The More I learn to Care for You: Roy's POV
by ZaKai
Summary: One person's reality is not necessarily another's. Can Roy and Ed figure each other out before their differences overwhelm their fragile relationship? :RoyEd:
1. Flowers

**A/N: PLEASE READ:** I'm trying yet another experiment... This story is being co-written with Kikiko. I am writing Roy's point of view and she's writing Ed's. (For anyone wondering this is a yaoi story) All of Ed's dialogue in what I post belongs to Ed, but everything else is mine. Kikiko is writing a companion story to this (with the same name, but with 'Ed's POV' in the title) where all of Roy's dialogue belongs to me, and the rest is hers.

This actually started off as a one shot New Year's Eve fic, but in writing it, the story became more. I'm not really sure what the end will be, but for those of you who decide to journey with us, I hope you enjoy the ride.

**The More I learn to Care for You - Roy's POV**

**Chapter One **

**Flowers**

Lying on the couch, Roy lazily opened one eye and glanced at the clock. It was almost time to start getting ready... Yawning from his nap, Roy pushed himself off the couch. As he made his way to the bathroom he yawned again as he scrubbed at his hair, then pressed his hands against his back.

Really, he needed to stop sleeping on the couch. He was getting too old for that...

When he got to the bathroom, Roy blinked and stared blearily at his reflection. His fine black hair was sticking up everywhere and his eyes looked tired and bloodshot.

"Very attractive..." he muttered and stepped away from the mirror to turn the shower on. He closed the curtain and started peeling off his t-shirt, jeans and boxers before getting into the shower.

"AAAH!" he shouted and quickly reached for the knob to make the water warmer. Unfortunately, that did nothing and the water remained cold. Muttering curses both in his language and in the Ishbalan language, curses were one of the only things he's learned in that language because they were shouted at him so often in the war, Roy stepped away from the shower and hurriedly bent forward and stuck his head in the freezing water.

After quickly washing his hair, Roy took in a deep breath and plunged the rest of his body under the cold spray. He'd taken cold showers before, but that was to be expected when you were in a war, not when you were at home...damn landlords...there must be some sort of law against letting this happen...

When he felt he was rinsed enough, Roy slammed the water off and grabbed the towel. His teeth were chattering loudly as he dried himself off.

This wasn't exactly how he'd expected to start New Years Eve, but it was just one little thing. No big deal.

After drying himself off, he looked at himself in the mirror again. He definitely looked more awake now! Sighing, Roy put on his deodorant, then dabbed the shaving cream on his face. Seriously, he hated shaving. If he didn't look so damn good clean-shaven he might be tempted to let his facial hair grow.

Dragging the razor down his jaw, Roy thought about how he was going to get to see Ed in a suit. That thought alone made him want to find the blond and drag him in the bedroom for the night. But that wouldn't do. There was just nothing like seeing Ed in something that looked nice; something that made the teen look presentable rather than a hellion.

Hissing softly, Roy patted the aftershave on his cheeks, then brushed his hair back before wandering over to the closet and pulling out his suit, a black thing with a white button-up shirt. He laid the shirt on the bed and as he was starting to put the pants on the phone rang.

Growling, Roy started over to the phone, only to trip on the pants he was trying to put on. Hurriedly pulling them up, he rushed over to the phone and picked it up.

"Mustang," he said a little more rushed than he'd like.

"Hey, it's me," Ed said softly, then paused for a moment before saying, "I was thinking...how about I just meet you in front of the restaurant?"

Roy frowned. The teen sounded way too polite. "I thought I was picking you up..." he said slowly, feeling a little confused at what was going on and not liking it.

"Well...you were...but I thought that this would be easier for you...you wouldn't have to come all the way back to the base to get me."

Roy sat on the bed and tapped his fingers on the nightstand. Meet at the restaurant? This was a high-class place. It wouldn't do to have the kid waiting outside for him or even worse him waiting outside for Ed, which is probably what would end up happening. Besides that, the teen was sounding very polite and helpful. Very _not_ Ed. Something was definitely up.

"That's a little tacky, Ed. I don't mind picking you up. You know that," he said irritably and reached over for his shirt.

"Well, yeah...well okay, so I was kinda wanting to walk there..."

Roy grunted internally as he balanced the phone on his shoulder while trying to put his shirt on. Ed wasn't sounding so polite now that he wasn't getting his way. He made a sound of exasperation and muttered, "I _wanted_ to pick you up..." He did. Call it the romantic in him, but there was just something about going to pick up your date. Of course, that really was the man's job. Perhaps Ed didn't like being thought of as a woman... Sighing, Roy said, "So, can I at least ask why the change?"

He heard a sigh on Ed's end then, "...well...um...how about we stay in tonight instead...?"

Roy didn't miss the 'sexy' tone the teen used, but his irritation at having his plans thrown aside won over Ed's offer and he said in surprise, "What? Ed...I've already made reservations. I had to make them a month in advance." And it had been damn hard to get them even that close to New Year's Eve...

"I told you before that I didn't want to go there for New Year's...it's so...pompous...and I got to wear a suit...what's fun about that?" Ed whined.

Buttoning up the shirt, Roy took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he tried to keep control on his temper. "Ed... Like I said, I already have reservations," he said in frustration, then continued, still trying to keep himself in check. "If you really didn't want to go, you should have whined about it before I made them. That's part of being responsible."

"BASTARD! I did whine...I mean...shut up! I did tell you I didn't want to go! And who are you calling so small he can't be responsible for his own actions!!"

Roy pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a moment. So small that...what? He thought a moment and shook his head. Ed was way too reactive... Putting the phone back to his ear, he said with as much amusement as he felt, "I don't think I said anything about you being small, but if you say so."

"Roy..." the teen growled.

Standing up and tucking the shirt into his pants, Roy grinned and said smoothly, "I love it when you say my name, but I like it even more when you're moaning it rather than growling it."

To that there was no answer and Roy thought that perhaps it wasn't the time for that so he said, trying to placate the teen, "Let's not have an angry night, Ed. I've already made the reservations, so let's just go. It will only be a couple of hours." He paused while reaching over to grab his tie, then said with more amusement then was probably best, "Besides, you know I love seeing you in a suit."

"tch!"

Sliding the tie through his shirt collar, Roy grinned, feeling as if he'd already won this. "Is that a yes?"

There was a pause, then, "On one condition."

Starting to do up his tie, Roy frowned and waited. Ed's conditions were never to his benefit.

"After dinner we gotta do what I want. I don't want to sit there all night until midnight," Ed said flatly.

Roy's hand's stopped tying the tie for a moment. Do what Ed wanted to do? While that could be a nice romp in the sheets, Roy didn't think that was what the teen had in mind. "What do you want to do?" he asked hesitantly.

"It's a surprise...is that a yes?" Roy frowned at having his words thrown back at him and at the grin he could hear in Ed's voice.

"Well..."

"If you say no, I'm not going to your dumb restaurant!" the kid said stubbornly.

Sighing, Roy said, "Fine. It's a yes. But only on one condition." The last was said with a note of amusement.

"What!" Ed exclaimed in outrage. "You don't get to make a condition on my condition!"

Roy grinned, "I don't see why not."

"Roy..." came the growl from the other line, then, "What the fuck is it then!"

His grin grew. "I get to pick you up."

"Tch! Fine, bastard!"

Roy cringed involuntarily as the phone was slammed down on the other line. Then with a smile of triumph, he set the phone down and straightened his tie. Ed might not like it, but Roy just had way too much experience handling people not to get his way.

Humming to himself, Roy slipped on his suit jacket and pulled some socks from his drawer. He tried not to think about whatever it was that Ed wanted to do. He was sure he'd be able to get out of it without any problem.

* * *

Roy stepped out of his apartment and looked at the vehicle the state let him use. It was meant for 'work only', and Hawkeye hadn't been too pleased with him asking for the keys. If Havoc hadn't been out of town visiting his family, Roy would have asked him for his keys, but...

He frowned as he remembered his first lieutenant's words...

_Just bring it back in one piece, sir. That's all I ask._

Scowling, Roy reached into his pocket for the ring of keys and walked to the car. One piece indeed! He could drive! Just because he didn't do it very often... Well, okay... so he had failed his driving test twice when he was younger...but...

Getting into the car, Roy tried one of the keys, but it wouldn't go in. Well, at least Ed wasn't in the car to see him make an idiot of himself. Trying another key, Roy scowled when it too wouldn't fit. After three more tries, Roy finally got the right key and put the car into gear.

Unfortunately it was reverse.

Cursing, Roy slammed on the break and looked around in embarrassment. He sighed in relief when he saw that no one was around to see him make an ass out of himself and put the car into the correct gear.

Once he got the car going, in the right direction, Roy had an easy time of it. It was like that saying about never forgetting to ride a bike... He frowned at the memory of the last time he'd ridden a bike and tried to think of something else. It wasn't his fault he wasn't good with things that had wheels...

As he drove, his eyes feel on the flower shop and he smiled before pulling up, without incident, next to the store. All the girls he'd dated loved flowers, but of course, Ed wasn't a girl.

Roy stepped into the shop and looked around for a moment before the young lady behind the counter said, "May I help you?"

He smiled and said, "Yes, actually. I would like to get..." He thought for a moment. Besides the little black book filed with girls names, which were actually codes for something else, he'd learned the language of flowers and had used them when trying to send a code in military situations as well as trying to flatter his dates.

Thinking of Ed, Roy smiled and said, "I'd like one Alium, one Amaryllis and one Iris..." He grinned. "A yellow Iris."

"That's a strange combination," the girl said before going to gather the flowers.

Roy smiled at her words. He didn't think so. Glancing around the flower shop, Roy thought that perhaps he should encourage Ed to learn the language of flowers. It could be useful if they ever needed to get a message to each other. He shook his head. This was a date, not a military operation. He'd talk to Ed about that another time.

The girl came back with the flowers and pointed at each while naming them. The first one she pointed at was the yellow Iris, a largish yellow flower with long, drooping petals. The second, the Alium, was a purplish flower who's small, long thin 'petals' formed a round ball on top of the green stem, and lastly, the Amaryllis, a large red flower with long thin 'rod' type things coming out from the center. The pollen sat on top of those.

Roy nodded and pulled out his wallet then a thought accrued to him. With a grin, he said, "Can I get a Buttercup too?"

She nodded, told him the amount it would be and went to get the flower as he pulled out his money. After she placed the small yellow flower next to the rest, she took his money and handed him the flowers.

"Have a nice night," she said.

"You too," he answered back, before walking out the door. Glancing at the Buttercup, Roy thought that maybe it was best if Ed didn't know the language of flowers.

* * *

Straightening his tie, Roy smoothed his suit jacket, then knocked on Ed's door. There was the sound of shuffling, then a yelled, "Just a sec."

Roy shook his head at the thought that Ed probably wasn't even dressed yet. That would figure. Suddenly the door opened, and to his surprise the teen was actually mostly dressed. He was just missing his shoes and suit jacket.

"Hey, I'm almost done, Just got to get my shoes on," Ed said then moved out of the way for Roy to step in.

He grinned and eyed Ed up and down. "Looking good," he said appreciatively at how the clothes fit the younger alchemist. The thought of taking those clothes _off_ of Ed made him grin even more. "Looking really good."

The teen snorted and said, "Thanks. Are you coming in?"

Roy grinned lecherously and said, "I'd love to 'cum' in. 'Where' is a good question, but I'm sure I know a good spot."

Ed clenched teeth together for a moment then said, "You..." A deep, red blush crept up over the boy's face. "Can wait in the hall." The blond walked away from the open door and Roy watched Ed bed over and pick up his shoes from beside the dresser. Admiring the view, he watched in disappointment as Ed stood up straight before jamming his feet into the shoes. Roy shook his head as the blond knelt on the floor to tie the laces and let himself in.

Shutting the door, Roy said, "No, no, that wouldn't do at all." Referring to being left in the hall. He wanted a little touch and feel session before they took off. Suddenly remembering the flowers, Roy said, "I have flowers for you." He held them up for Ed to see.

The teen looked up and gave him a startled look. "Flowers? Why?"

"Because, we're going on a date. I like flowers. They have their own language. You can say anything with flowers." He paused and looked around. "I guess you wouldn't have a vase..." No of course Ed wouldn't have a vase. Damn, but he should have thought of that and just bought one at the shop... "Do you have a cup or something?"

Ed pointed to a small glass on his bedside table and said, with raised eyebrows, "Are you calling me a girl."

Roy rolled his eyes. "Where in all that did you get me calling you a girl?" He walked over and picked up the glass wondering idly if he could get Ed to quickly transmute it into a proper vase then decided against it. Ed seemed a little pissy. Better just to go with the flow. Frowning, he looked into the glass and muttered, "There's no water in this..." Now _that_ wouldn't do at all...

Ed stood up and said, "Well flowers are for girls. Why are you giving them to me?"

Roy set the glass down and glanced into Ed's eyes. No anger in them, just curiosity. That was good. He didn't want this night to go badly. "I told you. I like flowers. You can say anything with them. Lovers long ago used to use them to send messages to each other using flowers. Not just lovers..." He trailed off for a moment realizing he was starting to get off subject. "But mostly lovers," he finished. Ed wouldn't appreciate him going into 'work' mode on their date.

"Eh? What do you mean?" Ed said and moved to stand next to him. The blond looked at the flowers then up into Roy's eyes. "What do these say?" he asked gesturing at the plants.

Roy smiled at the thought that Ed looked almost innocent gazing up at him like that. "I thought of you when I bought these," he said, then smirked before putting the yellow Iris in the glass. "Passion," he said, thinking not only of the teen's bedroom activities, but also of his drive to help his brother and make things right.

Next he set the Alium in the glass and said more softly, "Strength." Ed was strong... Not just physically, but also inside. He'd dealt with so much and still he never broke. He always continued. The Amaryllis made it into the cup next and he said, "Pride." Sometimes Ed was too prideful. If he was less so, perhaps he would ask for help more often...

Roy paused at the Buttercup and stared at Ed. He didn't really want to tell him the meaning of the last flower. "I hadn't intended on telling you what these meant."

"Why not?" Ed asked with a slight pout, and Roy wondered if the teen was even aware that he was doing that. "What about that one? It's really..." The corners of Ed's mouth dropped down into a frown. "...What's that one mean!" Ed demanded and Roy wondered what he'd said to make Ed react like that.

Probably nothing. Ed was able to get hidden meanings out of everything...

Twiddling with the flower, feeling slightly embarrassed, Roy dropped the little flower into the glass and muttered the meaning without looking at him.

"What's that? I didn't quite catch that!" Ed said, emphasizing each word.

Roy cleared his throat and said, "It, uh... means..." He stopped and glanced warily at Ed. "It means 'childishness'."

He expected some sort of rant, but instead, Ed only narrowed his eyes and clicked his tongue, then without a word, grabbed the glass and walked into the bathroom.

_Well, that could have gone worse..._ Roy thought as he folded his arms and leaned against the wall listening to the sound of running water. The water turned off and a moment later Ed appeared in the doorway holding the now full glass.

"So...what are you trying to tell me? You said other people used flowers to say stuff, not only lovers. Are you trying to tell me something?"

_Very perceptive..._ Roy thought. He hadn't meant to bring it up tonight...not really, but Ed asked... Shrugging, he said, "I just think the language of flowers might be a good thing for you to learn. You never know when you may need to send a coded message, Full...er..." He cringed slightly. Talk about a mood killer... "Sorry, Ed..." Roy tried to change his tone. He didn't want this to turn into an office conversation. "You never know when you might receive a message either..." He stopped, deciding to leave it at that.

Ed glanced at the floor for a moment, with a thoughtful look on his face then said, "Okay, whatever," before walking back to the bedside table and putting the glass down. Roy rolled his eyes to the teen's back. That was probably the best he would get out of him... "Are we going? Don't forget, after dinner you're doing what I want."

_Shit..._ Roy thought. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy doing things with Ed, but sometimes the teen liked to do stuff that...well was just not his thing... Deciding to try getting Ed to think of doing something he wanted to do, Roy grabbed the teen and pushed him against the wall with a smirk.

"I remember," he said and leaned in to kiss Ed's throat. For extra measure, he reached down and fondled the teen through his pants. "I hope you have something really interesting in mind."

"Fuck!" Ed exclaimed and squirmed under the touch. "This is what I wanted to do in the first place." He gasped and said, "Let's blow the restaurant..."

Roy stepped back with a grin and shook his head. "I don't think so. I want to enjoy seeing you in that suit for a while before I take you out of it."

"Shit..." Ed said and ran his left hand through his hair then hissed.

Roy frowned and grabbed Ed's hand. "This looks fresh," he said giving Ed a questioning look.

Snatching his hand back, Ed said, "Your fault," then grabbed his jacket from the bed and put it on.

Roy raised an eyebrow. "_My_ fault? Would you like to explain that?" _Especially since I wasn't here..._

"Let's just GO already, or maybe we should stay in..." Ed leaned into Roy's chest, but he recognized the last ditch effort, so he only chuckled and kissed Ed on the cheek before wrapping an arm around him and guiding him toward the door.

"How about we stay in _after_ we're done eating," again trying to plant the idea into Ed's mind.

"No, we're not. I got plans." This was said as the teen quickly grabbed his winter dress coat from the hook on the back of the door.

Roy frowned, but grinned quickly. He didn't want Ed to know that he was displeased with the idea. "Plans can change."

"Not according to you," Ed said, putting on his jacket and opening the door.

Roy shrugged and gestured with his hand for Ed to go out first. "Some plans are more flexible than others."

"I don't think my plans are those type of plans," Ed said before walking out into the hallway and turning around.

"We'll see," Roy murmured as he walked out and shut the door behind him.

Without a word, Ed locked the door and started down the hall toward the building entrance. Sighing at not getting his way yet about the after dinner plans, Roy quickly followed Ed, slipping past him and opening the door for him.

The gesture was apparently not appreciated given the look Ed threw at him and the pressing of the lips, but again the teen said nothing and simply walked to the car. Well, Ed was _his_ date, like it or not, and Roy was going to open doors for him, which he made a point of doing with the car door as well.

Ed paused for a moment, then got on, and Roy shut the door behind him before walking around to the driver's side and letting himself in. After shutting his door, Roy grabbed the steering wheel for a moment, trying to remember exactly what the key to the ignition looked like. He didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of Ed.

Reaching into his pocket, Roy pulled out the ring of State issue keys. "Hmm..." he hummed while staring at the keys. They all just looked way too much alike... "I think it's this one," he said and held up one of the keys, in his nervousness forgetting he wanted to seem like he knew what he was doing.

Ed raised an eyebrow and glanced at him. "You don't know which key it is?" he asked incredulously.

Mentally hitting his head on the steering wheel, Roy muttered, "Its not like I drive all that often you know..." He stuck the key in the ignition and silently rejoiced that it was, indeed, the correct key. "Besides, these are State keys, not mine. Hawkeye and Havoc usually have them...

_Why am I explaining this to him...? _Roy wondered irritably and forced himself to shut up.

Ed made a "hn" sound and turned to stare out the window.

Turning the ignition, and putting the car into gear, Roy gently put his foot on the gas only to send the car backwards...again... "Ooops," he said with a laugh trying to make it a joke. "Wrong way."

Ed turned and looked at him in disbelief before mumbling, "I should have walked..."

Roy glanced nervously over at Ed, before putting the car into the correct gear. Maybe he should have just let Ed walk... Driving was _not _his strong point and it made him feel awkward as if he were a teenager himself. Really...he didn't know what he'd been thinking when he though about using the car for this date...

"I told you I don't drive that often," he said in a slightly embarrassed tone at having to admit such a dumb fault.

"I don't even know how to drive yet, but I bet I can still do it better than you," the teen said in a taunting voice.

_Little shit..._ Roy thought at having his already wounded pride poked at. Trying to recover a little, Roy said with a smirk, "Maybe if you had stilts to reach the pedals."

Ed looked at him silently for a moment then said in a very calm and even tone, "...you know...I'm trying to be good and not get angry as this is a 'special' night...and here you are, deliberately trying to provoke me...who's the childish one now?"

Roy stared at Ed blandly. Didn't Ed just try to provoke _him _a moment before? Turning his attention back to the road, Roy decided to let the teen have his way. After all, Ed had been rather calm since he'd come to pick him up...calm like a pissed off snake ready to strike, but still calm.

"Alright, Ed, I'm..." He paused. He was what? Sorry? For taunting Ed back? No, he wasn't, and he wouldn't say it either. His pride was already wounded enough from having to admit he sucked at driving. Not finding anything appropriate to say, Roy simply kept quiet, hoping things would be better when they got to the restaurant.

Roy expected at least one more comment from Ed, but he simply looked out the window and kept his peace.

* * *

We hope to have the next chapter posted within 24 hours or so of posting this. We'd like to at least get through all of New Year's Eve ON New Year's Eve... haha Oh and I'll post links to where you can see those flowers in my profile if you want to see.

**Please be sure to read Kikiko's version on Ed's POV. The link will be in my profile. **

Happy New Year all!!


	2. Changing the Pattern

**The More I learn to Care for You - Roy's POV**

**Chapter Two**

**Changing the Pattern**

"What kind of stuff do they got here?"

Roy stared hard at his menu. After a silent car ride, things were not going as well as he'd hoped they would. Well, at least there hadn't been any more problems with the car... "That's what the menu is for..." he murmured in answer to the teen's question.

He scowled at his menu as he heard Ed mutter something under his breath. Probably better that he didn't hear as it was sure to be something rude.

"I'm sure you'll find something, Ed. It's not like you're that picky," he said flatly. He hadn't found anything yet that Ed wouldn't eat.

"Hmm...the lamb looks good."

Roy felt a flash of amusement. "Lamb..." he murmured. "That would fit..."

Having grown up in a rural part of the East(1), Roy had seen his fair share of sheep and he could compare several of their habits with Ed's. Sheep flee when being perused. That was an annoying trait of Ed's when Roy wanted to track him down. Sheep never walk in a straight line since they're always watching their back. Ed too always seemed to be looking out for danger, though he had a right to. Sheep have excellent senses. Again, a trait Ed shares. Sheep have an amazing tolerance for pain. Yet another annoying similarity of Ed's... That made Roy wonder again what had happened to the teen's hand.

Clearing his throat, Roy said, "I think I'm going to get the steak..." He glanced at Ed who was staring at his menu, then looked around for the waiter.

"The chicken also looks good," Ed mumbled, taping the menu and tilting his head. Roy refrained from making a jab about how the small, feisty chicken might even be a better comparison than the lamb. Instead he watched silently as a section of the teen's loose, blond hair fell over his shoulder. Roy thought it looked rather good like that, but his lover reached back behind his neck and pulled the hair back with the rest of it. He almost wanted to ask Ed to put it back...

"Are you ready?" Roy finally asked. As much as he enjoyed watching Ed, he also wanted to get something to drink.

"I suppose so," Ed said.

At that, Roy glanced up and made eye contact with their waiter and casually lifted a finger to show that they were ready. The waiter, an average looking man wearing black slacks and a red, long-sleeved, button-up shirt, made his way over to them and asked politely, "How are the two of you tonight?"

"Fine thank you," Roy said automatically.

The waiter glanced briefly at Ed, who simply looked up but said nothing, then smiled before saying, "Are the two of you ready to order, or would you like me to get you something to drink while you continue to look over the menu?"

Not wanting to be accused of treating the teen like a child by speaking for him, Roy glanced at Ed, giving him the opportunity to say something.

Ed returned his gaze with an uncomfortable look before saying, "Er...both?"

Internally shrugging, Roy glanced back at the waiter. Well at least he'd tried. "We'd like to order before-dinner drinks, but we're also ready to order our dinner."

The waiter nodded and looked at Roy expectantly.

"For dinner, I'll take the tenderloin, with the rosemary potatoes."

The waiter nodded. "And to drink with that?"

"Wine. Red," Roy answered. He'd leave the exact type up to the waiter. He wasn't too fond of red wines, but it wasn't too bad when paired with dark meat, which was the point, he supposed...

"Of course," the waiter murmured. "And to drink now?"

"Negrone. On the rocks. Tell your bartender not to top it off with soda either," Roy said. The last time he'd been here, they'd done that and it had been a little irritating.

With a nod, the waiter gave him a bland look, and Roy thought perhaps he should have made the request more politely. Looking at Ed, the waiter said, "And for you?"

Squirming a little, Ed said, "Er...I guess I'll have..." He paused and looked back down at the menu. "…the lamb."

The waiter nodded in a business-like fashion and said, "To drink with that?"

Ed faltered for a moment, then looked at Roy. "Wine...?"

Roy pressed his lips together in thought. His first reaction was 'hell no', but their evening was not going to well... Perhaps a little alcohol on Ed's part would liven it up a little. He was sure the teen could handle a little wine. Shrugging, he looked at the waiter and said, "White." He figured Ed would probably like white wine more than red.

The waiter looked a little hesitant, though whether it was because of Ed's age, or because red wine traditionally went with lamb, Roy didn't know. "Of course..." the waiter said, then glanced at Ed. "And for now?"

"Ah...just some water, please," Ed said and handed his menu to the waiter. The waiter nodded and relieved Roy of his menu as well before walking away.

Ed grinned and said, "Cool. I thought you were going to shoot me down for trying to get the wine."

_You have plenty of 'whine', I don't see why you need more,_ Roy thought, but kept that to himself in an effort not to piss Ed off since the teen seemed so happy. Instead, he smiled and said, trying to keep Ed in a good mood, "Well, I don't see why not. I mean, I think you're old enough to handle it."

"Well," Ed said, looking a little smug. "I am. I'm almost seventeen and a half."

"And a half, huh," Roy said without thinking.

Ed quirked an eyebrow and said, "What? What are you smirking for?"

_Ooops..._ he thought. He hadn't realized he was smirking. Shaking his head, Roy glanced around to see if the waiter was coming with his drink, as well as to avoid looking at Ed. "Nothing..." he murmured, then looked back at his date. "See it's not so bad, right?"

Ed blinked. "It's not so great either... this tie is going to cut off my air supply," he said, tugging on his tie and loosening it.

Roy scowled. "Don't do that. It's sloppy." He was about to say something else when the waiter stepped up to their table. Setting a tall water glass in front of Ed and a small, highball glass in front of Roy, the waiter silently slipped away as if he'd never been there.

Ed looked over at Roy's drink, a clearish-red liquid with ice, and pointed. "What's that? Can I smell it?"

Not seeing any harm in that, Roy shrugged and handed the glass over. "It's a 'Negrone'," he explained, even though no explanation had been asked for. "Has gin, Campari, and sweet vermouth."

Taking the glass and putting it under his nose, Ed sniffed then said, "Can I taste it?"

"I think it's too much for you," he said hesitantly. Thinking that line might bring about an argument, he added, "Best you just stick with the wine..."

"Oh come on," Ed pleaded, taking on the 'I'm so cute, please give in' look. "Just a sip! Please?"

Roy made a sound of exasperation and scrubbed at his hair. He didn't think Ed would like it, but telling the teen that would only make him want it more. Well...if it was just a sip... Trying to make it sound more like a bargain then him giving in, Roy said, "If you do up your tie..."

Grinning, Ed sipped carefully at the glass then made a face that said Roy was right, like always... Sticking out his tongue, Ed handed the glass back. "That's foul."

Wanting to make a quip about the blond being too young to appreciate a good drink, Roy refrained and simply chuckled as he relieved Ed of the glass, then motioned for the teen to do up his tie before taking a sip.

Once the liquor was out of his hands, Ed reached for his water and took a few gulps. Wondering if Ed was ignoring him, Roy cleared his throat with a frown.

"Did it burn your throat too?" Ed asked in concern.

Not buying it, and now sure that the teen was trying to get out of his end of their deal, Roy said, "No...I'd like you to do up your tie..."

"Ah, right," Ed said, and moved the tie up a tiny bit. "Better?"

Resisting the urge to lean over the table and tighten it up for him, Roy scowled and said, "All the way. It still looks sloppy."

Smirking, Ed moved the tie up more. Though not done up all the way, it looked presentable at least. Breathing out slowly in an attempt to keep from nagging at Ed again, Roy took a deep drink from the glass, then returned the teen's smirk. "Of course, you know I'd love to see that tie undone after dinner," he said, trying to defuse the situation and get Ed to give up whatever 'plans' he had at the same time. Lowering his voice, Roy continued, "Perhaps at my place?"

"We can't, remember? We got another destination after this," Ed said, sipping at his water.

Grinning, Roy said, taking a sip of his own drink, "Oh? So it's your place instead of mine?"

"Neither," he answered as he fiddled with his silverware.

Enjoying the challenge of getting Ed to do what he wanted, Roy's grin widened. "Oooh? Somewhere else? Perhaps my office or..." He cut off what he was saying as the waiter walked toward their table with their meals.

After setting the food down, the waiter asked, "Does everything look alright?"

"Sure, looks great," Ed said.

Roy barely glanced at his meal before saying, "It looks fine, thank you." He wasn't too happy about having his game interrupted. He glanced at Ed who was turning his head away from the waiter and rolling his eyes. _Very tacky, Ed..._ he thought irritably, but didn't say anything.

After the waiter left, Ed grabbed his fork and knife, primate-style and, like a starving animal, began digging in.

Normally, Roy could take the teen's eating habits, but really...there was a time and a place for everything. "Edward!" Roy hissed softly.

"What?" Ed asked.

Roy glanced around, wondering if anyone had noticed the teen feeding like a barbarian, then looked at Ed who was glancing around as well now. "We're at a _nice_ place. Perhaps you could try _eating_ your food instead of _inhaling _it?"

Frowning, Ed said, "Wasn't that what I was doing?"

Making an exasperated sound, Roy took a proper-sized bite of his food, and chewed it slowly while staring at Ed. After he swallowed, Roy said, "Like that? You know, small bites, chewing it more than twice before swallowing...?" He couldn't believe he had to give a demonstration on it.

Inhaling slowly, Ed tilted his head and looked at Roy from the corner of his eye. "We've been together for a while right?"

"Yes..." Roy said warily. The teen looked like he was going to blow up any moment.

Turning his head to look him full in the face, Ed said, "You could say you know me pretty well by now, right?" Not feeling to need to grace that with a comment, Roy simply nodded and waited for Ed to finish what he wanted to say. Whatever it was, he had a feeling he wasn't going to like it.

Instead of continuing, Ed glanced down at his meal, took a small bite, then looked up. He chewed three times, then swallowed before taking a drink of water. "So," he finally continued. "If you know me so well...why are we here where you're trying so hard to change me?"

Roy felt his eye twitch at that and he looked away from Ed. He wasn't trying to change Ed...was he? Picking up the glass of Negrone, he downed the rest of it, and looked over at Ed. Sighing, he said, "I'm not trying to _change_ you..." He wasn't... "I just want you to act..." He trailed off and waved a hand, then shook his head. He did like Ed how he was, but there were just some things that weren't appropriate in some situations... "While we're in the restaurant..." he trailed off and sighed again. It wasn't worth arguing about, really it wasn't. "Fine... whatever. Act how you want, Ed."

He looked down at his meal and began cutting his steak, then took a bite. He wasn't going to argue about this. Not tonight. Having Ed eat like an animal was better then the teen screaming his head off, which was what he was waiting for. Instead, there was silence from the other side of the table for a few moments, then, "Excuse me, I got to go to the washroom."

Roy glanced up to where Ed was standing beside the table and frowned. Very calm. Very un-Ed-like. Shrugging his shoulders Ed wandered off and Roy took a sip of his wine and watched as Ed asked a waiter something, then headed off where he was directed.

Well...that was different. Swishing the wine in the glass a little, Roy glanced down at it, trying to think. If he didn't do something, this evening was going to be shot to hell. Replaying the evening in his mind as he sipped on his wine, Roy realized that Ed really had been acting quite calm and mature, and in a way, Roy hadn't been.

Ed had changed their 'pattern', and in a small way it kind of irked Roy a little that he hadn't noticed right away. Instead, he had subconsciously been trying to force Ed back into the old pattern, the one where Roy was the know-it-all adult, and Ed was the stubborn and reactive child.

Roy sighed and glanced at his now empty wine glass. He couldn't even remember drinking it all... Setting it down, he stared dully at the flickering candle in the middle of their table. Now that he recognized what was going on, he could either continue to try putting Ed back into the role Roy was most comfortable with him being in, or he could try to change his own attitude and treat Ed more like the adult he was becoming...

Which, of course would be the harder of the two...

Glancing the way Ed had gone, and not seeing him, Roy reached over and took a drink of the teen's wine, a fine light white wine, he thought, though not too light for the lamb, then set the glass down and sat back in his seat waiting for Ed to return.

It didn't take much longer for his young lover to find his way back, which was good because Roy was beginning to wonder if the teen had pulled the 'I'll tell you I'm going to the bathroom, but really I'm ditching you' routine. Not that Ed had ever done that before when they were on a date...

"Ed..." Roy said, then paused. Damn, but this was hard... "I'm..." _Just say it_! he told himself, but apologizing had never come easy to him. "I'm sorry." He looked into Ed's eyes for a moment then glanced away.

Sighing, Ed said, "That's alright."

Roy shook his head and looked back at his date. "No...it isn't. You're right. I have been trying to change you. I guess... I don't really know how to say this, but frankly you've been acting more of an adult tonight then I have. It's...different. I'm used to you blowing up at everything, but you've been rather calm all evening, and..."

This was even harder than he thought it would be... Feeling the need for a drink, Roy reached over and picked up his wine glass then scowled at it when he remembered it was empty. Putting it back, Roy tried to think of what he wanted to say next.

"And?" Ed asked.

Running a hand through his hair, Roy smiled faintly and said, "And...it's rather becoming... You not only look like an adult, you've been acting like one as well. I just didn't recognize it right away. So..." He paused not wanting to say what had popped into his head, but thinking that it might be best, Roy forced himself to continue. "I hope you'll... forgive... me..." He stopped and looked away, trying to convince himself that it hadn't been that hard to say those words and failing miserably.

Thinking that if he continued talking along those lines he'd really need another drink, he looked back at Ed and said, "You know, your hair looks really nice down..."

Ed glanced down at his food and said, "Well...after the phone call...I was thinking...it takes a lot of energy to be mad... so I thought – never mind... thanks. I'm glad you're recognizing the fact that I'm growing up..." He paused, then said with a grin, "Must suck now that you can't be a pedophile anymore."

Shocked, Roy's eyes widened at the comment. That little shit... "Fuck you, Ed," Roy said, then added irritably, "Are you going to drink that wine or just keep it around for looks?"

The teen snickered and said, "Just for looks, get your own," before sipping at the wine again. "How about we get out of here and on to our next stop... I know you're dying to see what I have planned." This was said with an evil looking smirk.

Scowling, Roy muttered, "I'm only dying to know if it involves you under me, moaning and panting and begging for more."

"It doesn't," Ed said, then frowned. "Well, I suppose you _could_ do something like that... but all those people might take offense."

Frowning unhappily, Roy watched a smirk form on his date's face. It seemed that he'd lost his little game... and now it was time to pay the piper...

* * *

1 – In the manga, Roy refers to himself as a 'country bumpkin' when talking to Colonel Henry Douglass.

Please note that all of Ed's dialogue belongs to Kikiko. Please check my profile for Ed's POV by Kikiko.


	3. New Year’s

**The More I learn to Care for You - Roy's POV**

**Chapter Three**

**New Year's**

Roy stuck his hands in his coat pockets and watched Ed walk in front of him. It was a shame the dress, winter coat hid the teen's rear so well...

"It's around here somewhere..." Ed said and looked down at a small piece of paper in his hand.

Roy scowled at the shorter alchemist in front of him and said, "So would you like to tell me where we're headed now?"

Ed stopped and looked back over his shoulder. "We're going to the Legion."

Roy had lowered his eyes to stare appreciatively at Ed's lower front region, but when he heard that he looked up in surprise. "The Legion... that dance hall...? You're not serious," he asked in disbelief.

Ed gave him a grin and said, "Oh yeah...can't wait, eh!"

"I don't dance," Roy said flatly. It was true. He didn't dance. Hawkeye had once said that she would teach him, but after three 'lessons' the woman had proclaimed him hopeless. It hadn't bothered him that much at the time, since he had plenty of other charms to pull on the ladies, and dancing wasn't a requirement for promotion. Now, however, the thought of making a fool out of himself on the dance floor in front of Ed made him wish he'd took the time to learn at least a bit.

Ed shrugged and said, "That's okay. You can hold up the wall while I dance with the ladies." That said, the teen turned around and started walking again.

Roy raised an eyebrow and held back a comment about women liking to dance with men taller then them. Following after Ed, Roy thought he heard the faint sounds of music.

"Um...this way, I think," Ed said and turned down another street. Following his date, Roy grunted and looked up the street to see the dance hall; the entrance was packed with people standing about talking over the loud music from inside. Seeing the mass, Roy was glad they'd decided to walk here from the restaurant seeing as how it would be difficult to find a place to park.

As they approached the front of the building, Ed grinned and said, "This looks like fun," before pushing past the milling people toward the door.

Roy grunted again and muttered while following Ed, "Oh yeah, loads..."

Roy frowned as he watched Ed fish a couple of wadded bills from his pocket to pay his own way into the dancehall, then hand his coat to the coat check. Irritably, Roy pulled his wallet out, and paid his way in before handing his own coat to the coat check. Walking to the teen, Roy stuffed some money into Ed's pocket.

"I'm paying..." he grumbled. Really...it just did that much more damage to his ego to have the teen try paying his own way... Ed was _his_ date, and he sure as hell was going to pay for him.

Ed snorted and said, "Contrary to popular belief, my long hair does not make me into a girl..."

Roy glared down at Ed and said, "You seem rather obsessed with me thinking you're a girl. Trust me, Ed. I'm quite aware of your gender. Since _I_ am supposed to be taking _you_ on a date, I want to open doors for you, and pay for you. I guess I'm just old fashioned that way. If you don't like it, get over it." He paused then said, bringing up Ed's point from the restaurant, "Or does telling someone not to try changing another person only go one way?"

Ed stiffened and blinked, and after a moment he said, "Yeah, okay. So when do I get to take _you_ out so you can be the girl?" The teen lowered his voice and leaned in close. "That means you get to be bottom." The last was said with a smirk.

Roy thought he should feel amused, but he didn't. Instead he felt a little thoughtful. How would it be to be taken out? He didn't know. He'd only ever taken other people out. Would he even _want_ Ed to take him out? That could be an unholy disaster all in itself...

Shrugging, Roy glanced around, suddenly wondering where the liquor was located. He had a nice little buzz from dinner, but he could still use another drink. Glancing down at Ed, he said seriously, "I don't know. You've never asked me out before. Usually that's what people do when they want to show they're interested in someone."

Well, at least, that's what men did. Women just flirted you to death until you asked them out. Ed had done neither. Roy had wanted Ed, so he'd pursued him. Simple as that. Thinking about it now, the kid probably didn't know what had hit him. It might have been different for Ed had he been pursued by someone as inexperienced in relationships as he was, but to have someone with Roy's know-how trying to court him...

"Oh... I never?" Ed said sounding a little upset. His shoulders sagged and he frowned a little while chewing on his automail thumb. "Well... you wanna go out sometime, then?" He looked up into Roy's face, waiting for an answer.

He smiled a small smile and chuckled. He couldn't help it. The blond just looked so damn cute and the thought of _Ed_ trying to court _him_... "I don't know... do you think you can handle taking me out?"

"Tch, what's there to handle? We've been out lots of times," he said, then grabbed Roy's hand. "Come on, let's get out of the way." Ed threaded his fingers through Roy's and dragged him down the hall.

Roy chuckled again and decided to let Ed take the lead for the moment. The more he thought about it, the more intriguing the idea of Ed courting him was. Ed had never actually had to plan a date before. He'd never had to call and ask, time and time again if his target date was free to go out on a specific night. He'd never been turned down before. He'd never had to actually pay for someone else on a date or...

Suddenly he stopped as Ed paused for a moment in the hall proper. Roy glanced around at all the people. He'd been to State Balls before, so he was used to an environment a little like this, but much more refined than what he was seeing. The music from the live band was loud but the din from the people almost matched it.

Without warning, his hand was pulled again and he suddenly felt himself pushed into a line. Roy tilted his head a little to see to the front and was gratified to know that it was the line for drinks. Not able to stop the quip, Roy said in amusement, "You didn't have enough wine at the restaurant?"

"Not for me, for you," Ed explained. "I can tell you're tense." Ed smiled, then took off, calling, "Be right back."

Roy shook his head and chuckled, watching Ed wander off. The teen had been rather amusing in the last couple of minutes. Maybe their night would be somewhat pleasant after all.

Turning to stare at the line, Roy frowned when he saw how slow it was, and said, "Excuse me," to the lady in front of him.

The woman turned around and when she saw him a faint blush heated her cheeks. "Yes?" she asked. He could tell she was trying to be charming, but she needed a little more work at it.

"Have you been waiting very long?" He didn't want to give her the wrong idea, so he tried to sound a little detached.

She seemed to get the message and said politely, "Well, not this time, but I was in the line before and it was slow then. That was before it really started picking up in here."

"I see..." Roy said, a little disappointed at having to wait so long, then stepped forward when the line moved.

The woman nodded and ran her eyes over his face before smiling more broadly and turning away. It was flattering, and if he knew Ed wasn't coming right back, he might have flirted with her a little, but that just wouldn't do in such a short amount of time.

Suddenly, Ed walked up beside him, jacket slung over his shoulder and tie loosened. It was actually a rather attractive look. The only thing that marred the scene was the bread crumbs at the corner of Ed's lip. "You still haven't gotten anything to drink!"

Roy shrugged and murmured, "Long line," before brushing at Ed's mouth. He felt a little irritated that Ed was eating the cheap party food here, but he'd hardly touched his food at the restaurant. Trying not to dwell on it, Roy said, "I see you had no such problems getting food."

"Eh?" Ed said and started brushing at his own face as well. With a grin he said, "I'm still growing – and don't you say anything!" Ed held up a threatening finger.

"You know," Roy said hopefully. "We could skip the line and just go back to my place."

"Then I couldn't torture you," Ed answered, then pulled on his shoulder. Roy leaned down and the teen whispered, "No sex until the new year."

Roy quickly stood up straight and glared down at Ed. "What?" He exclaimed in surprise, then paused. So that's how it was, was it? Well, two could play that game. Smirking, Roy leaned down and whispered into Ed's ear, "How about no sex until you can take me out on a successful date?"

Ed shivered a little, then motioned for Roy's ear. He turned his head and Ed whispered, "The new year's closer... but if you want to wait, fine." Ed shrugged and stepped away slightly.

Roy stood up straight and shrugged, feeling pleased that he was now back in control. "As you wish," he said and stepped to the bartender when he realized he was next in line. "Long Island Iced Tea," he said, as he pulled out his wallet for the right amount. He glanced at Ed, who wasn't looking too happy, then back to the bar. Thinking they really should have more then two people making drinks in such a busy dance hall, Roy paid the man, took his drink, and walked back to Ed.

"So are you going to dance with me or just laze around. There's so many people out there that no one would notice us," Ed said and pointed to the dance floor.

Roy shrugged and took a drink. He wasn't exactly worried about people seeing him with Ed, he was more worried about looking like an idiot. "No, I'll just 'laze' over by the wall watching as you try to find someone to dance with." _That should definitely be amusing_, he thought, then continued, "I'm sure I'll find plenty of pleasant company near the wall." At that, Roy turned around and started off toward the chairs and tables near the wall.

* * *

"So you were really in the Ishbal War?" Roy watched the woman he was sharing the table with lean closer and put her hand on his arm. "That must have just been dreadful." A look of pained concern crossed her face.

"Well... it was..." Roy said softly, looking down at just the right moment. The war had definitely been hard on him, but it wasn't that he was thinking about at the moment. Right now he simply wanted to get a reaction out of her.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

He glanced up and put on a small smile for her. "Don't worry about that," he said in a soft voice. "When I see your lovely face, I can only think about the beautiful things in life."

She smiled and blushed deeply. Suddenly, Roy noticed Ed stalking over to them out of the corner of his eye. Well, it was about time. He'd already flirted with more than ten women as Ed had danced. Surprisingly enough, the teen had found plenty of women to dance with. Roy had actually watched Ed dance with a few of them, and felt slightly jealous, but if his date was having a good time, then that's what mattered.

Of course, Ed had openly glared at him too, when he didn't think Roy was watching. Really... what was Ed's problem? Was he mad that Roy wasn't dancing with him? He'd seemed fine about going and dancing with the ladies... It must be some strange teenage thing...

When he heard Ed clear his throat behind him, Roy turned slowly and said smoothly, "Well, Edward, have you been enjoying yourself?"

"Not as much as you have, bastard," Ed growled.

Roy smirked. Ed couldn't possibly be jealous... "I don't know, I thought I saw you out there with quite a few nice looking young ladies..." He should actually be congratulating Ed on being able to get so many dance partners. He was about to say so when Ed's countenance darkened.

Looking at Roy through his bangs, Ed growled, "Can I have a WORD. WITH. YOU?"

"Of course," Roy said with an amused, tight-lipped smile. There was jealously, and then there was _jealousy_. One was flattering, the other was insulting and Ed was bordering on insulting.

Turning back to the woman, Roy rested his hand on the one she still had on his arm and said in an apologetic voice, "I'm sorry. I have to go now. It was a pleasure talking with you." He flashed one of his most charming smiles and watched the woman responded with a nod and a radiant smile of her own.

Getting up, Roy looked at Ed who was glaring heatedly at the woman. The teen grabbed his arm with his automail hand and dragged him away from the table. Ed looked back, probably to glare at the woman again.

Roy winced as Ed's metal fingers bit painfully into his arm through his suit jacket. This was going a little too far...

"Bastard!" Ed hissed as he pulled him toward the back wall and tightened his grip. "Trying to pick up some ass on the side? I saw how you two were leaning into one another!"

His arm was definitely going to bruise from this 'loving' treatment. "You said you were going to dance with the ladies, so I thought I'd keep the ones who weren't lucky enough to dance with you busy," Roy said, trying to flatter his young lover into a better mood.

"You're such a liar!" Ed accused, then dropped his death-grip hold and turned to face him. "You practically had her in your lap!"

Being called a liar didn't sit well with Roy, but he tried to remind himself that Ed was young and impulsive. Trying to keep the mood light, he said, "Ed, what did you think was going to happen if I stayed on the sidelines? That I'd just magically become invisible? I can't help it that I'm so charming and good looking that woman want to be around me. Really, Ed, it's your fault for bringing me here and leaving me alone." The last was said with a hint of amusement and a shrug. Maybe Ed would see what a bad idea this whole thing had been in the first place.

"I just wanted to dance with you, but you were an ass!" Ed snarled. "At least I went to dinner with you!"

That was it.

The last straw.

Letting out a derisive laugh, Roy said, "Well, I suppose we're even now aren't we, Ed? Yes, you did come to dinner with me, but you didn't eat." He sighed and shook his head angrily. He didn't want to stay on that subject so he jumped to another one. "You should know that I would never cheat on you, or at least I would have hoped that after all this time, you would know me better than that. Flirting with women comes naturally to me, so that's what I do, but it doesn't mean anything."

Letting the irritation he'd been feeling during the evening bloom into full-blown anger, Roy said, "If you don't want me to try changing you, then don't try to change me. Did you see me storming out onto the dance floor to stop you from dancing closely with those women?" Hurt threaded into the anger he was feeling and that made him feel even more frustrated about the whole situation. "Try trusting me a little," he muttered resentfully, then stopped.

Roy didn't want to start ranting at Ed. He didn't want to rip into his younger, inexperienced lover. He could. He had that ability. Making someone else feel like shit was another of those things that just came 'naturally' to him. And he was ashamed to admit that he'd used that 'talent' in the past with some of his previous girlfriends. He'd been younger then.

Younger and inexperienced.

Like Ed.

Roy didn't want to hurt Ed. He knew his lover was just angry and hadn't fully learned to control his tongue. Hell, he was fourteen years older, and even _he_ had a hard time controlling his tongue sometimes, which was why...

"I'm leaving," he said, turning around and walking toward the door.

He needed to cool off. Just get away from the situation for a few minutes before he said something he'd regret.

Relieving the coat check of his coat, Roy slipped it on and headed out the door into the cold winter night. That in itself seemed to help him think a little more clearly. Glancing around, Roy decided to head for the park across the street instead of going directly back to his car.

"Roy!"

He sighed heavily and ignored the shout. Couldn't Ed just give him five minutes to calm down? The frozen grass of the park crunched a little under his shoes as he walked toward the empty children's play area.

"ROY!"

Making it to the large play structure in the middle of the park, Roy walked around the other side and leaned against a metal ladder leading up to the next level where kids could go down the slide. Sighing, he folded his arms and waited. Ed would keep after him, and here was as good of a place as any.

Suddenly the teen dashed around the side and slipped on a patch of ice, flying a little into the air and landing on his rear and head. He laid there for a moment, then moaned, "...owww..."

"Very attractive," Roy said flatly. "Your grace never ceases to amaze me." He knew it wasn't exactly nice, but he was still ticked.

Ed blinked and gingerly touched his head, then looked at his hand. Sighing irritably, Roy walked over to the prostrate teen and knelt down, inspecting Ed's head. When he didn't find any blood or cuts, Roy grunted and said, "You're fine. Your head is too hard to do any real damage. I should probably worry about the ground."

Grunting, Ed slowly propped himself up on one elbow. "Roy, I'm sorry. I've been a bitch to deal with all night," he said with a little shiver.

Grunting again, Roy stood and pulled Ed to his feet. With a small smile, he looked at the teen and said, "Those words seem to come more naturally to you than they do to me..."

Wrapping his arms around Roy, Ed snuggled up close to him, burying his face into Roy's chest. Roy wrapped his arms around Ed, holding him close. "I wish I could say those words so easily..." Words that heal rather than hurt... "I'm sorry..." he quoted. Why was it that apologizing came so hard to him? He thought that he should probably say those words right now, but instead he said, "You haven't been a bitch all night." It was close to an apology... "But yeah, you've been a handful...

"Yeah I have..." Ed said, his words muffled by having his face buried in Roy's chest. "I just wanted to dance with you," he whined.

Roy petted Ed's hair, the anger from before dissipating. "You know... I really can't dance..." The teen tightened his grip on him, and he wasn't sure what to make of that so he said with a chuckle, "I drive better than I dance..."

Ed snorted. "There's not much to know for a slow dance..." Ed said, his voice still muffled.

"You say that now," Roy said in amusement, thinking of his 'lessons' with Hawkeye. "I assume you cherish your remaining foot?"

"Can you sway? You could do that at least and leave your feet planted?" Ed asked, looking up at Roy's face.

He pulled back a little and gazed down at his young lover. He supposed he could do that... for Ed... This seemed to be something the teen really wanted...

"How about it?" Ed asked, shivering.

Letting go of the teen, Roy pulled off his coat and put it around Ed's shoulders. "I guess so," he said then continued, a little unsure, "Um... you start..."

Ed rolled his eyes. "Just hold me like before, okay..." he instructed. "My teacher said dancing was like self defense so she made us learn. This was how I first started." Ed wrapped his arms around Roy's waist and started to sway before resting his head against his chest again.

Roy stiffened a little and muttered, "Yeah, I can understand that. I feel like defending myself right now." He swayed a little at Ed's lead.

The teen snorted, then laughed. "See it's not that hard, right?"

"I feel like an idiot," Roy muttered.

"Well, at least you don't look like one," Ed returned.

"TEN!"

Roy stopped and looked down at Ed.

Ed glanced up, a puzzled look on his face. "What?"

"NINE!"

Grinning down at Ed, Roy said, "It's the count down. Listen."

"Eh?" Ed tilted his head to catch the sound of the people from the dance hall calling out the count down, then grinned.

"EIGHT!"

Roy glanced back in the direction of the dance hall, then back to Ed. "How nice of them to shout it just so we'd know," he said with a conceited grin.

"Yeah, we must remember to thank them, cuz we're too pig headed to stay inside," Ed said sarcastically.

"SEVEN!"

"Perhaps," Roy murmured, sliding a hand under Ed's chin and leaning down. He didn't want to talk about the people at the Legion. He had other things on his mind.

"SIX!"

Ed leaned up on his tip toes, already seeming to expect a kiss on the lips.

"FIVE!"

Smiling, Roy leaned down and kissed Ed on his right cheek.

"You missed," Ed said flatly.

"FOUR!"

"I never miss," Roy murmured and kissed Ed's other cheek.

"Wrong again," Ed murmured.

"THREE!"

Roy kissed Ed's forehead and the teen said, "Nope..."

"TWO!"

Next was a small peck on Ed's nose, and to this the teen said nothing.

"ONE!"

At the last count and the shout of 'Happy New Year', Roy pressed his lips softly, yet firmly, against Ed's. The teen moved his hands along Roy's back and tried to take over the kiss. He smiled and slipped his tongue into the teen's mouth to kiss him more thoroughly.

Ed groaned and pressed himself more fully against Roy's body before slipping his tongue out and trying to push Roy's back. Roy was having none of that however, and worked his own tongue around Ed's before moving his hand down to fondle Ed's groin.

Roy felt Ed grip his back and he reached down with his other hand to pull the teen's shirt out a little so that he could reach in and tease one of Ed's nipples. The blond broke the kiss and gasped.

"Roy..." Ed moaned. "Are we... here?"

Roy almost gave in, but instead he gave Ed's sex one final stroke and stepped back with a smirk. "Of course not. I told you. No sex until you take me out on a successful date."

Ed stared at him in disbelief. "What?"

Deciding the wait would be worth not getting his instant gratification, Roy said, "Remember?" He held up a finger and wiggled it. "No sex until you take me out on a successful date. You agreed to it." Roy let out a fake sigh. "I guess you'd better turn in your state job for one with the church as some sort of male nun..." he said with a chuckle.

Ed's jaw dropped. "Really? No sex until my date with you? What's your definition of successful? Let's go on a date right now!"

Oh, no. He wasn't going to let Ed get away with it that easily. He wanted the teen to appreciate all the hard work Roy put into courting him. With a grin, Roy said, "Well, of course, I have to have a good time. You have to make me _want_ to have sex with you. It's a shame you've never dated a woman, Ed. It's a real challenge to get one of them into bed. You have to know just what they like, and how to talk to them, and what to do for them."

He paused, trying to think of how to make Ed understand how easy he has had it, and what kind of work has been put into... well... not getting into Ed's pants... well, actually, yeah. That's about it actually...

"You remember the date we had where I first got you into bed? It took me quite a while to figure out just what made you tick." That was a definite understatement... "Hamburgers and sparing would never have been my first choice, but..." He shrugged. "It was the perfect date for you."

Ed groaned and held his head in his hands. "That means that I got to take you to a fru-fru restaurant like that one? And you'd want some..." He waved a hand around vaguely. "Sort of gift." He looked worried and said, "And then what else? Um..."

Roy snickered. This... could be really fun... "Well, I don't know, Ed... How well do you really know me? It will be trial and error." He turned around and started walking, then stopped and glanced back at Ed. "But remember, you said you wanted to be on top." That, too, should be interesting... "If you want it you're going to have to earn it." With a grin, Roy turned around and waved a hand. "Let's get your coat and get out of here."

"Doh!" Ed said, and Roy could hear him scrambling after him. "This sucks!" Ed yelled, making Roy grin all the more.

* * *

Please note that all of Ed's dialogue belongs to Kikiko. Please check my profile for Ed's POV by Kikiko. 


	4. Worries

**The More I Learn to Care for You – Roy's POV**

**Chapter Four**

**Worries**

Roy opened the door and let himself into the North Central Library. It was a small building that anyone could access, but it did have a little hidden area for the state alchemists to do their research without being bothered by the normal patrons. Walking toward the door that would lead him there, Roy turned the door knob as quietly as he could and peaked inside.

Ed was sitting at a table that was strewn with papers. He seemed rather engrossed in what he was reading and Roy wondered vaguely what could be so interesting. He didn't give it too much thought however, since, despite the fact that the teen was rather outgoing and athletic, he was one of the biggest nerds Roy had ever met. Every book was read as if it had the secrets of the universe written inside.

Maybe to Ed they did.

Roy slipped inside and shut the door quietly behind him before leaning against the wall to study the teen. He smiled slightly as his eyes wandered over Ed and smiled a little at the black dress coat the teen was wearing, the one from New Years Eve… He frowned. Since that night, the two of them hadn't been on the best of terms. He'd supposed Ed would get right on the ball and start asking him out so that they could get on with their bedroom life. Roy was all in favor of that because, as much as the idea of Ed figuring out how rough it is to court someone was, he was seriously staring to go through sex withdrawals. Not that he couldn't satisfy himself, but there was nothing like thrusting into Ed's body and making the short teen cry out, begging for more. That thought made him smile, a brief one that quickly disappeared.

He hadn't figured it would take Ed this long. A week tops, but it had already been three weeks since then, and still nothing. Roy felt a little put out at this. Maybe Ed just didn't care? Was it too much trouble? Perhaps the teen wasn't as committed to their relationship as he had supposed...

This thought bothered him more than he wanted to admit. He'd gotten pretty attached to Ed, something that hadn't happened to him before. Normally he just dated for the fun of a good time and maybe a romp in the sheets, but Ed, had turned out to be a different catch altogether. He had bonded with Ed in a way that he couldn't explain...

Roy shifted his weight unconsciously as he continued watching Ed work. Was Ed too young to be in a relationship? To Roy, the teen had seemed rather mature, despite his bouts of childishness here and there. He'd supposed Ed could handle a relationship, but...

He shook his head. No, Ed had shown himself to be rather capable over New Years, especially over dinner that night. He had remained calm and collected even when he'd obviously been upset. Maybe it was just him. Maybe the blond had decided Roy wasn't for him. He pushed that thought away immediately and moved from the wall. He didn't want to dwell on this right now, maybe later, but not now. He had things to do and this was one of them.

Walking silently up behind the studious teen, Roy smirked, thinking of all the lame tricks Ed had pulled on him to get his attention. Ed seemed to like that sort of play, and Roy liked to cater to his lovers. Therefore, instead of just announcing his presence like he normally would, Roy slipped his hands over Ed's eyes.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Ed yelled, turning quickly and pulling Roy's hands away.

Letting his smirk form into a grin at Ed's unexpected reaction, Roy grabbed onto Ed's wrists and used the teen's momentum to pull Ed around so that his back was against the table and pressed his lips against Ed's. The teen squirmed in his grip then mumbled in a barely recognizable tone, "Roy?"

"I didn't know you liked it rough..." Roy murmured back.

Just the thought made his groin burn with desire. If he could, he would pull Ed onto the table and... well, he _could_... technically... but he wouldn't, because first of all they were in the library, and second he had said no sex until Ed came up with a successful date... Not for the first time, Roy cursed himself at that idiotic idea and the fact that he was too stubborn to let it go.

The teen squirmed, trying to pull his hands free and push him away at the same time. With a smirk, Roy let go and briefly touched Ed through his pants to give him a little reminder of what he'd been missing these past few weeks before stepping back. "I see you're working hard as usual," he said and thought guiltily of his own paper work waiting for him back in his office. "I have some papers that need to be gone through too. Perhaps while you're at it..." he joked, waiting for some sort of outburst about how lazy he was.

Instead, Ed turned around in a near panic and started quickly shoving the papers on the table into a messy pile. The teen glanced over his shoulder, then back to the table before muttering, "Sure, sure... um, place them over there," Ed said in an out of breath tone while pointing to the corner of the table.

Roy chuckled. "I was just joking, Ed. I'd never have you do my work..." _Because I wouldn't be able to get away with it,_ he thought before kissing Ed's ear. Better to let that thought go unsaid... Leaning over Ed's shoulder, Roy said with mild curiosity, "What are you working on? You're usually not so easily surprised and flustered."

"Nothing!" Ed exclaimed hurriedly. "Who said I was working on anything?" Ed muttered, huddling over the papers protectively. "What are you doing here?" Ed asked, then accused, "Skipping out on work? I'm busy here." Ed shrugged him away and when Roy stepped back he saw that the teen's ears and face had turned a deep red.

Roy frowned. "I'm not... _skipping_ out on work... just... taking a break." He was. Really. He did have a legitimate reason for going to find the teen, but he wasn't sure how long it would take so he'd done it on his break. "You know, we do get breaks," he said, as he walked to the other side of the table, pulled out a chair and sat down. The idea of taking scheduled breaks never seemed to click with Ed who would just continue to work for hours on end sometimes.

Curious at Ed's blushing and quickly gathering up the papers, Roy watched Ed scramble around, then frowned. Trying to make a bit of small talk, Roy said, "Hakuro seems to think I have all the time in the world to work on some of the pointless things he sends my way."

"That sucks..." Ed said distractedly as he flipped the paper over and put a book over the top of the stack. "So what do you want?" Ed asked, a note of relief in his voice as he sat back down in his chair and ran a hand through his hair with a sigh.

Starting to feel a little suspicious at Ed's behavior, Roy glanced at the pile under the book, then back to Ed. "That's not anything illegal is it?" He didn't want to be caught up in another one of Ed's little escapades. Not that the teen had done something like that in a while, but... he did have that track record.

Ed snorted and said in annoyance, "No," before glaring at him and saying, "But I am busy so..." This was followed by a quirked eyebrow.

Roy gave Ed a guarded look before shaking his head. He supposed Ed would tell him if something was going on. At least he hoped they had built that much trust between them. Instead of pressing the issue, Roy decided to get to why he was here. Reaching into his pocket, Roy pulled out a piece of paper and unfolded it.

"I need you to do some research on this and report to me on it in a week. I need an official written report and you should be ready to give an oral report if General Hakuro should request it," he said in a bored, business-like tone.

"Great," Ed said, taking the paper and looking at it. "Are we done?" the teen asked quickly.

Roy frowned and glanced at the table, then back to Ed before nodding and getting up to leave. Folding his arms, Roy looked suspiciously down at Ed. He was really curious now. Ed didn't act this way for no reason. Fighting the urge to ask again what was going on, Roy shook his head and forced a casual wave as he walked away. He could just be imagining it...

As he walked away, Roy listened to the sound of shuffling papers behind him. Suddenly he remembered something and turned around, "Oh, and, Ed..."

"Eep!" came the small squeak from the teen as he stiffened and refused to make eye contact.

Roy stopped and scowled. Enough was enough. "Okay... What the hell are you working on?" he said as he made his way back to the table.

"Fuck off!" Ed exclaimed and gathered the papers to his chest. With a deep blush, Ed scrambled out of his chair, backed away and watched Roy advance on him. "This isn't for you!"

They might not be for him, but they were for something, and he was working on military time right now. Scowling, Roy said, "Ed, let me see those." He held out his hand and continued to walk toward the teen.

"NO!" Ed yelled, putting them behind his back. "If you come any closer... I'll... I'll..." Ed stuttered as if trying to figure out what to say, when his back connected with the corner. "Hit you," Ed finished.

Roy stopped in surprise. Ed would hit him? Anger bubbled inside of him at that. What Ed said could be taken two ways: One being that he would strike out against his partner, which would be called domestic violence; the other being that he would strike out against a superior officer, an offense that had severe punishments attached to it.

He decided to act on the second thought, and scowled deeper. "Major, I'm ordering you to hand over those papers." He paused. "Now."

"No way! I won't," Ed said loudly. He shook his head, making his braid swing, then gave him a stubborn look.

Roy suddenly had a mental image of Maes's daughter refusing to do what she was told in the same way. He couldn't help himself and laughed. Ed blinked, then glared at him. Grinning broadly, Roy decided he would keep that to himself. He was pretty sure Ed wouldn't appreciate being compared to a little girl.

Roy made a 'give me' gesture with his hand and said, still chuckling, "Come on, hand them over."

Ed pressed his lips together, then rolled up the papers and shoved them in his jacket pocket. Clapping his hands, Ed touched the pocket, making the coat shimmer, and gave Roy a smug smirk. "What papers?"

Letting the glare come back, Roy dropped his hand and said irritably, "Not amusing, Fullmetal. You know that is defying a direct order from your superior officer."

Ed frowned and squirmed a little. "It has nothing to do with you... er... with the military. Just drop it... please."

Roy rubbed his forehead in frustration, then gave Ed a bland look. Even if it had nothing to do with the military, Ed could be planning something that could cause problems later... But then, he could be reacting to nothing...

"Just let it go, Mustang," Ed said. "Go back to work before Hawkeye finds you. You're... distracting me." He squirmed again and glanced down at the floor.

He was distracting him, huh? Smirking, Roy walked over and pressed a hand against the wall next to Ed's head and leaned in close. "I have a legitimate reason for being here," he said, kissing Ed's ear, then continued in a whisper. "I'm sorry that you're easily distracted. Perhaps we should have a discussion about this in my office..." He paused. Oh how he'd _love_ to have a discussion about this in his office, followed by some... _exercises_ on not being distracted... Roy thought of some very delicious things he'd like to...

Roy cut off that line of thought. He'd said there would be none of that until Ed took him out and he didn't want it to seem like he couldn't stick to what he said. Instead of continuing, Roy pulled back and said in a business-like manner, "But that will have to be another day. Okay, Fullmetal, I'll let it drop for now, but it better not be something that I'm going to have to cover your ass for later."

At that, Ed smirked and said smartly, "You like covering my ass."

Roy raised an eyebrow and tried hard to fight back a smirk. Oh, yes, he definitely did like covering Ed's ass literally... "Some types of ass covering are better than others," he said.

Ed pushed himself off the wall with his shoulder. Pressing himself against Roy, Ed reached around and grabbed his rear. "You could cover it... tonight..." Ed whispered.

Such a tempting offer, and he almost gave in. Instead, he pushed away and used all the will power he could muster to say, with a heavy sigh, "Sorry, I'm busy tonight... Maybe another night?" _Come on, Ed,_ Roy thought. _Work for this a little at least..._ The thoughts were laced with doubt that the teen even planned on going through with this. Maybe he should just give in. They both obviously wanted sex... Part of him wanted to give in, but his pride wouldn't let him.

It was a bit irritating to think that perhaps Ed just wanted to fuck. He'd really thought the teen was more of a relationship type of person. Maybe he was... Just not with him... The thought was actually a bit depressing given that he'd become so attached to Ed...

Normally, Roy wasn't really into relationships, they were just too much of a hassle, but he couldn't help his desire to keep Ed. Unfortunately, a part of him still longed for the freedom of single life, and it constantly wore on him; challenging his need to keep Ed as a partner.

Ed dropped his arms and frowned before moving back to lean against the wall. "Yeah... sure..." The teen looked away, pouting, then said, "Whatever you say," before pushing way from the wall and brushing past Roy to sit back down.

_That went well_, Roy thought sarcastically and pulled out his pocket watch. Frowning, Roy said, "I'd better go. I have a meeting in fifteen minutes. Give me a call sometime, or something, and maybe we can get together, Ed," Roy said, again trying to urge the teen into contacting him for a date. He didn't want to be the one to cave. He'd never given in on what he'd said to anyone else, why should Ed be any different? But he was. Roy didn't want to admit that to himself, but it was true. Ed was different. Ed made him want to give in... Roy put his watch away and kissed Ed on the top of the head before making his way out of the room.

* * *

Roy hung up the phone and finished writing the last half of the message on a piece of paper before rereading what he wrote. It was hard to concentrate because his mind kept going back to Ed. He frowned. Roy hadn't seen him since yesterday in the library and Ed hadn't seemed to be in a very good mood... Suddenly the door slammed open causing the coffee in his mug to ripple slightly.

"Good morning, Fullmetal," Roy said flatly, not looking up from what he was reading. "In a good mood today, I see..." Ed's explosive personality had gone from 'mildly annoying' to 'mildly annoying but a little cute' since they'd started seeing each other. He wasn't sure if he should feel a little alarmed over this or not.

He listened to Ed's footsteps as he crossed the room and suddenly a folder was thrown onto his desk. "Fuck off..." Ed mumbled and Roy looked up to see the teen stalking to the door.

"Wait," he said in a commanding tone.

Without turning around, Ed stopped and sighed and said in annoyance, "What?"

Roy set down what he'd been working on and picked up the folder. Opening it, Roy leafed through the pages, then glanced back up at Ed. "What is this?"

"Your report," Ed answered in a hard, flat voice.

Roy pressed his lips together, feeling mildly irritated at how he was being treated. If he had done something to piss the kid off, he could at least understand it, and maybe dish it out with some well placed teasing, but he couldn't think of anything he could have done to warrant this.

"Obviously," he said irritably. "But this isn't due for a week." He looked down and glanced at some of the pages. "This is a _research_ report, Fullmetal. I don't care how smart you are, these things take time. This is..." He shuffled through more of the papers with a frown. "This is very sloppy work." Usually, Ed was very thorough with his research; this was obviously thrown together without any real work. He closed the folder and flopped it on the desk. "I'm not giving this to the general. You're going to have to redo it."

Snarling, Ed spun around and stalked over to the desk. Snatching the folder, Ed growled, "Fine." Giving him a sour glare, Ed turned and started toward the door again.

"Wait," Roy commanded and Ed stopped, waiting silently. Maybe it wasn't him. It wasn't uncommon for Ed to be irritable to everyone if there was something bothering him, and being a brat was kind of in Ed's general personality so...

Getting up, Roy walked to the door and shut it before turning around to face his young lover. Leaning against the closed door, Roy said quietly, "What is going on?" Maybe he could get Ed to talk to him. They had been a little distant from each other for the past few weeks, and Roy had a small bit of hope that perhaps Ed would confide in him and let Roy comfort him.

Instead, Ed glared up at him and said, "Is there anything else, _Colonel_ Mustang?"

Roy felt a small stab in his chest, but tried to ignore it. Why should it matter to him if Ed talked to him so coldly? They'd been drifting apart since New Years Eve; he should have seen it coming. Should have realized by the way Ed was acting that what they had was coming to an end. Roy supposed it was foolish of him to feel hurt, there were plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak, but there was only one Ed, and he had hoped Ed would be a keeper, not a catch and release...

Moving aside, Roy said, "No, I guess not." He turned and started walking toward his desk. "Dismissed." As he turned and sat in his chair, he looked up to see Ed still standing there. A moment later, Ed glanced back at him and Roy had the strongest urge to try to get the teen to talk again, but the glance was brief, and then Ed was heading out of the office. When the door shut, he had a sad thought that his office suddenly seemed much emptier than it had a moment before.

* * *

Please note that all of Ed's dialogue belongs to Kikiko. Please check my profile for Ed's POV by Kikiko.


	5. Voice

**The More I Learn to Care for You – Roy's POV**

**Chapter Five**

**Voice**

Sighing in exhaustion, Roy pressed his back against the door and shut it. He glanced around his apartment wearily before pushing away from the door and walked across the front room. As he trudged up the stairs, he thought idly that tonight, of all nights, he was not happy to have a two-floor apartment. Sometimes it was nice, but tonight it made him want to just sleep on the couch.

He walked into his bedroom as he shrugged off his long black trench coat. Throwing the coat on the floor near the wall, Roy dumped his keys and wallet onto the dresser and flopped down on his bed.

_What a bad day..._ he thought as he stared wearily at the ceiling. His day had been filled with tons of paperwork, and boring meetings. After Ed's little outburst in his office, Roy hadn't been able to concentrate on anything. His mind had constantly gone back to how Ed had acted, not only in his office, but also how he'd been acting the past few weeks.

Roy reached up and rubbed at his eyes before sitting up and pulling his boots off. A part of him felt hurt at Ed's anger, but he quickly turned that into anger. It was easier that way. He unbuttoned his uniform jacket and shirt, and hung them up before pulling off his pants and hanging those up as well.

Perhaps Ed really wasn't interested in him anymore, and Roy supposed he couldn't blame the teen. After all, Ed was still young and Roy was... well... not young... Pulling out a pair of pajama pants, Roy slipped them on and walked to the bathroom. He peered into the mirror and frowned deeply.

Not young... that was a laugh. He'd be thirty-two this year. It wasn't exactly _old_ but... Feeling a little disgusted with himself, Roy threw on a pajama top and made his way downstairs to find something for dinner. He was tired, but he was also hungry since he hadn't eaten anything in the past six hours, and what he had eaten before that wasn't very much.

Instead of going directly to the fridge, Roy opened a cupboard, grabbed a small glass, then pulled out a square bottle with a black label. The bottle was rather new and only a little of the liquid inside was gone. Sighing, Roy poured a small amount into the glass and took a sip before putting the bottle away.

He generally had a small drink after work, though sometimes he had a double if it had been a real shitty day. Roy frowned down at the liquid and took another sip before opening the refrigerator. There wasn't really anything in there that looked very appetizing, despite his being hungry. He pulled out block of cheese, sliced off a couple of pieces and put it back. He munched on the cheese and sipped at his drink as thoughts raced through his mind.

Normally, Roy didn't get into relationships. They were just too much of a bother, but Ed had been different. He looked down at his empty glass, then pulled the bottle out and poured himself a bit more; today definitely qualified as a shitty day.

Roy leaned against the counter and popped another piece of cheese into his mouth. Oh yes, Ed had been different. Roy had always enjoyed a challenge and the teen had definitely been that. He hadn't wanted Ed because he liked him. On the contrary, Roy had originally pursued him out of a morbid sense of irritation at his young subordinate.

Sighing as he finished his second serving of cheese, Roy grabbed the bottle and headed upstairs. In the beginning, Roy had finally decided that he'd had enough of Ed's attitude and wanted to be the one to bring the kid down. Ed certainly was good looking and well built so he'd decided to go for it. Of course, Ed was different than all his other dates. Ed hated him while the others had actually _wanted _to date him.

Roy sat on his bed, poured himself a little more and set the bottle on the nightstand. He realized that he'd never be able to fuck the kid if he didn't befriend him. Well, unless he wanted to just try taking him, but for one thing, Roy wasn't really into that sort of thing. He did have _some_ standards. For another, Ed could probably fight him off. Of course, there was the law to think about. You just didn't go around forcing people to have sex with you.

He smirked at his now empty glass and automatically filled it again. He'd just have one more...

So he'd worked hard to befriend the kid. He'd been met with suspicion at first, then with a slow and grudging acceptance. Befriending Ed was only the first step. He also had to ease the teen into the idea that the two of them having sex would be an okay and enjoyable thing to do. Not an easy thing to do with a teenager whose only experience with sex was with his hand. Ed didn't even want to talk about 'stuff like that'. It had been too embarrassing for the teen.

And then there was the summer evening when he'd invited Ed over for a small barbecue; they'd had hamburgers and roasted corn on the cob... The evening had been a perfect one. It had been warm out, yet the evening had been a cool one for summer. There had been chirping crickets and Ed had wanted to spar out on the grass behind the apartment complex.

It had been quite an embarrassing experience for Roy given that he wasn't one for hand to hand combat, but Ed had seemed to enjoy giving his commanding officer lessons. It had been the first time since Roy had started trying to get Ed in bed, that he hadn't thought about how he could use the situation to his advantage. He'd enjoyed the lessons just as much as Ed. They'd had a great time...

"A really great time..." Roy whispered down at the almost half empty bottle, then unsteadily poured himself a bit more.

They'd gone inside sweaty and laughing and, ironically, things had simply happened from there. They'd done a bit more sparing in the front room which led to them both being on the floor. They'd laughed and started wrestling, and at that moment Roy had stepped over the line. He'd looked down at the teen who he'd pinned to the floor and thought that Ed had to be one of the most beautiful people he'd ever seen with blond strands of hair coming messily out of the teen's braid, and the innocent expression in his eyes. It had prompted him to throw all caution to the wind. He'd leaned down and gently kissed Ed on the lips.

He took a sip and smiled. They'd had amazing sex that night. Despite Ed's lack of experience, it had been truly incredible. He'd never let his feelings enter into his bedroom life and until then, he'd never known what he was missing.

Roy downed what was left in his glass and laid down on the bed. He set the empty glass on the nightstand and let the numb tingly feeling in his body and brain take a hold of him. Of course, all had not been perfect after that. In fact, it had been a little rough. The morning after, Roy had felt a little freaked out. He'd only been pursuing Ed for sex; only to bring the kid down off his self-made pedestal. But as he'd laid there and watched the younger alchemist sleep, Roy had realized that he never wanted to let Ed get away from him. He'd put so much time and energy into getting to know the kid and now...

"And now..." Roy whispered up at the ceiling.

And now, still, he didn't want to let Ed go. He didn't want Ed to let him go... and yet he was completely confused as to what to do about their relationship. Recently it had been so...

"Shitty..." he muttered thickly.

Perhaps that's what he got for dating a child... Roy frowned at the thought. Ed was no child. He was just about eighteen... He sighed as he thought of what had happened earlier that day. Ed had been so angry and cold to him...

He glanced at the phone and without thinking picked it up and clumsily dialed the dorm where Ed was staying. When someone picked up, Roy asked for Ed and waited a few minutes for the teen to come from his room to the communal phone.

He heard a sigh, then "Yeah?"

Roy frowned. Ed sounded tired... He vaguely wondered what time it was, but didn't dwell on it. "Ed?" he asked; best to be sure.

"Ah... yeah? Roy? Are you... drunk?" Ed asked sounding surprised. Roy's eyes flitted to the half empty bottle. Maybe he was... but he'd never gotten drunk around Ed before. Best to just not let him know.

"No..." he lied. "I've just had a little bit, but I'm not drunk."

"Okay..." Ed said hesitantly. "If you say so..." Roy nodded to himself. Best if Ed didn't know.

"I just wanted to talk to you..." Roy said, then let his voice trail off. That sounded so... _needy_. He didn't want to sound needy, he just... just what?

"Okay... so... um... here I am..." Ed said, confusion laced through his voice.

Roy smiled sadly. It was true. Ed was there and Roy was here. Not how he wanted it. He'd much rather have Ed here with him. He'd much rather be holding him and touching him and hearing him say... "I just wanted to hear your voice..." Roy whispered quietly.

"What's that?" Ed asked. "I didn't make that out."

Roy frowned. Had he said that out loud? "It's... it's nothing... You know... you have such a nice voice." He did. Really he did.

"Thanks," Ed said. "Yours ain't so bad either when you're not yelling at me."

At that, Roy chuckled. When _he_ was yelling at _Ed_? Usually it was the other way around. "Even when you're yelling, I think you have a nice voice... but it's better when you're not yelling." _Well, that much is obvious..._ he thought to himself. He was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with this conversation because he thought perhaps he wasn't making any sense, but he didn't want to get off the phone; instead he shifted and took the lid off the bottle. "I guess that's why I wanted to hear your voice tonight..." He lifted the bottle to pour himself more but he was having a hard time seeing straight and it clinked loudly against the glass. One more glass might help...

"Uh... Roy?" Ed said sounding slightly nervous.

Roy pulled the phone away for a minute and downed the alcohol before murmuring, "Hm..." He was feeling really tired and he wondered how long he'd be able to stay on the phone.

"Don't you lik–never mind... I mean... well... are you seeing – fuck!" Ed stammered, then finally settled on a deflated, "What are you doing?"

Roy closed his eyes to stop the room from spinning. He was starting to feel a little sick to his stomach. "Listening to your voice..." he answered. "I miss you." He paused for a moment, then said, "You've been so distant lately... and I'm not sure..." _What am I saying?_ Roy wondered vaguely. It was as if whatever was coming out of his mouth was just bits and pieces of thoughts that didn't make any sense.

"I'm distant! What about you, bastard! You've been giving me the fucking cold shoulder since New Years! What the fuck!" Ed yelled and Roy winced as a flash of pain raced through his head at Ed's yelling. He could hear Ed breathing hard into the phone and he supposed he should be arguing the point, but he just couldn't.

Instead he simply said the truth, something he would have kept back if he had been sober. "You were supposed to ask me out... remember? I've been waiting... I thought the no sex thing would remind you... but I guess not." He felt a sharp pain in his chest at that. It really hurt thinking that he really wasn't that important to his young lover. Tears threatened and sleep seemed about ready to overtake him.

Instead of continuing, Roy said, "It doesn't matter, Ed." Really, it didn't... nothing mattered... "Just... never mind." He could feel the darkness press into him and he murmured, "I think I'm going to go to bed now. I'm not feeling very good." That was an understatement. With the emotional pain he was feeling, the nausea in his stomach and the pain in his head, Roy just wanted to let himself pass out.

He reached over and set the receiver down and started to lose consciousness. From somewhere in the darkness a phone rang, but after a moment, Roy was too far gone to pay it any attention.

* * *

Wakefulness came in the form of a deafening buzzing noise that caused Roy's head to ache painfully. His eyes widened and he fumbled around trying to silence his alarm clock. When nothing seemed to work, he finally settled on ripping the power cord from the device and throwing it across the room where it slammed against the wall. Roy closed his eyes, before lying back down.

Sick.

He was so sick that he thought he was going to die. His head was killing him. It seemed as if the silence in the room was too loud. Despite the fact that the blinds were closed, the light from the window seemed like direct sunlight and it seeped through his closed eyelids. Grabbing his pillow, Roy pressed it over his head. It helped a little, but the sound of the fabric from the pillow case rubbing against his face was much too loud for him to tolerate.

Suddenly both the light and the headache were overpowered by the urgent nausea in his stomach. He quickly got out of bed and staggered to the bathroom where he fell to his knees, grabbed the sides of the toilet, and emptied his stomach.

Again and again he retched until there was nothing left. This left his body with a weak, tingly feeling and his head felt like it was going to explode any minute. He stared dully into the contaminated water for several moments before pushing himself up and pressing the handle down.

Lurching over to the sink, Roy turned on the water, winced slightly at the sound, then rinsed out his mouth. He held onto the counter, swaying slightly as a feeling of lightheadedness swept over him. When it passed, he stumbled over to the small linen closet, grabbed a blanket, and staggered back into his room.

Walking unsteadily to the window, Roy braved the bright light of the day that was shining through the closed blinds and draped a blanket over the bar above the window to block out more light. It wasn't perfect, but it made the room quite dim and it helped immensely.

Lying back on his bed, Roy glanced at the half empty bottle of whisky before draping an arm over his eyes. What the hell had he been thinking last night? He rarely got drunk; he much preferred to have control over himself. The last time he'd drunk so much was when Hughes had been killed...

Roy rubbed at his eyes. He felt terrible, but he had work... He supposed he could just not go in today... He glanced at the phone and quickly made the decision before dialing. When no one picked up in General Hakuro's office, Roy dialed a different number.

There were a couple of rings then, "Division 352. Lieutenant Havoc speaking."

Roy winced and pulled the phone away from his ear for a moment, before croaking, "Lieutenant, I'm not coming in today. Do me a favor and put a note on the general's desk, would you?"

"Sure, boss. You sound like crap. You get that bug that's been going around?"

Roy wanted to tell Havoc to speak quietly, but he'd rather not let the whole world he'd been stupid last night and drank too much. "Maybe," he said noncommittally.

"Well, rest up."

After assuring the man that he would, Roy set the receiver down and snuggled into his covers and fell back asleep.

* * *

Roy's eyes cracked open when he heard an insistent knocking on his front door. The sound seemed to reverberate through his head and he groaned at the pain. Forcing himself out of his bed, Roy stumbled down the stairs and unlocked the door.

"Good morning, sir."

Roy squinted and waved Lieutenant Hawkeye inside before quickly shutting the door. He blinked at her and said, "Lieutenant?"

"I heard you were sick and I thought I'd come down here to see if there was anything you needed," she said with a hint of concern in her voice.

_Right,_ Roy thought sarcastically. _Of course you only came out of the goodness of your heart. You'd never come to see if I was faking it or not..._

He leaned against the wall and shook his head. This only made him feel dizzy and even more nauseated. "Thanks for the thought, but I just need rest."

She nodded and put her hand on the doorknob. "Are you sure I can't get you anything?" she asked, this time in genuine concern, Roy simply waved a hand. If he shook his head again, he'd probably sick up all over her boots.

"Well, I hope you feel better soon."

He nodded slightly and watched her leave before staggering up the stairs. Crawling slowly under the covers, Roy closed his eyes and was asleep again after a few minutes.

* * *

Roy's eyes snapped open when he heard the sound of knocking at his front door. Letting out his breath in exasperation, he rolled out of bed and lurched down the stairs yet again. Two unannounced visitors in one day... It was as if fate were punishing him for being an idiot. There was silence for a moment, then a loud banging that made Roy wince.

"Roy, open up, dammit! I know you're in there!"

Roy stopped and frowned at the door. Ed was exactly what his head needed at the moment... he mused sarcastically. He toyed with the idea of not opening the door. After all, Ed had been rather pissy lately, and he really wasn't in the mood to deal with the teen's loud and angry shouting.

But he did want to see Ed, and that made him feel like a stupid teenager. He could see the blond anytime, yet he wanted to see him enough to be willing to deal with him even when he was sick.

Grabbing the doorknob, Roy opened the door and looked blearily at Ed before squeezing his eyes shut. Putting a finger to his lips, Roy moved aside so that Ed could come in.

He heard a snort from the younger alchemist before, "Why are you telling me to be quiet? It's not like you have anyone over." Roy blinked at him as Ed closed the door and saw that he was carrying a small cup and a muffin. "Here, I don't know if you feel like it, but I got coffee and a muffin." Following Ed into the kitchen, Roy made a hushing sound. Each syllable made him want to scream in agony.

Roy glanced at the muffin and even though he couldn't smell it, just the thought made him want to sick up again. "Very thoughtful..." he whispered and leaned against the wall. He was slightly regretting letting Ed in. The teen's loud voice and stomping boots made his head ache and his body was screaming at him to go back to bed.

"What's wrong with you? Did you catch the flu?" Ed asked, not making any effort to lower his voice. The teen frowned and set the cup and muffin on the counter. Turning around, Ed hoisted himself up and sat on the counter next to the food, hands and elbows on his thighs. Normally, Roy would feel irritated at this, counters were for food not for sitting... but right now he felt too sick to care.

Glancing at the coffee, then again at Ed, Roy stepped forward, picked up the cup and took a sip. It tasted like shit, but he worked hard to keep his face neutral. It was likely that the coffee tasted so bad because of his own sense of taste at the moment, but he was determined not to tell Ed he didn't like the coffee. He didn't want to hurt Ed's feelings...

"Thanks," he whispered, then gave Ed a small smile in an effort to convey the fact that he really did appreciate the thought. At that, Ed gave a small smile back. Roy swallowed hard and, hoping he wouldn't throw up again, he said quietly, "I'm going back to bed." Roy turned around and began staggering away.

"Well, wait!" Ed yelled and Roy squeezed his eyes shut at the pain. "Are you kicking me out!"

Turning around, Roy said, "I'm not kicking you out; I just need to lie down... You don't have to stay in the kitchen... just... just _whisper_..." With that said, Roy turned around and started up the stairs.

When he finally got back to his room, Roy sat heavily on the bed and pushed the bottle and glass aside to make room for the cup before lying down. It felt so good to lie down... He closed his eyes and welcomed the cool feeling of the sheets and of the dim room itself. There was silence for a moment before the teen, who had followed him up, said in a low voice, "Why were you drinking last night? Something happen?"

Roy could hear the soft footfalls come toward him and he opened his eyes. Why had he been drinking so much? He remembered coming home, and how exhausted he'd been. He remembered thinking about Ed, and slicing himself some cheese and pouring himself a drink, then two, then...

He glanced at Ed. The last thing he could remember thinking of was Ed, but his memory was a bit fuzzy after the third drink. He vaguely remembered coming upstairs, but... "Ed..." he whispered. "I don't know. I don't really remember. I remember the first couple of drinks; I usually have at least one at the end of the day, two if it's been a bad day. After that, I don't remember."

"Hmm..." Ed hummed not looking at him. "Um... Roy?" Ed finally said hesitantly. "Do you..." The teen sighed before running his hand through his bangs. "Can I lay down with you?"

_What kind of a question is that?_ Roy wondered. Of course Ed could lay with him. What Roy wanted most was to be able to touch him and feel him... "I would like that," he whispered.

With a half smile, Ed sat on the bed, took his shoes and jacket off, then scooted over to snuggled into Roy's arms and shoulder. "I really missed this..." Ed murmured into Roy's throat. "Why are you being so mean to me lately?"

A small bit of irritation flitted through him at that. He hadn't done anything to Ed. What could he possibly be talking about? "Me?" he muttered. "Who is it who has been yelling and stomping around?" He tightened his grip on Ed, but it wasn't much given how weak he felt.

"Yeah, but why are you all, like... I don't know... weird all of a sudden; pushing me away and shit. I don't get it. What'd I _do_?" Roy felt guilt bite at his heart when he heard Ed's voice crack a little.

Rubbing Ed's back, Roy said quietly, "I..." He shook his head, trying to come up with something that sounded reasonable. "I wasn't..." He kissed Ed's forehead, then lightly rested his chin there. "I was waiting for you to pursue me, to ask me out, like we'd talked about." He gave a small laugh at how ridiculous it sounded out loud. "But it just never happened. I thought maybe you decided it was too much trouble, or maybe if you weren't getting any sex then it wasn't worth your time. I didn't mean for you to feel pushed away..." Roy trailed off. He'd never really thought about how Ed might be perceiving things.

"Shithead..." Ed mumbled. "I didn't think that you'd stop wanting to be around me, I just thought that it'd all be the same 'cept for the sex... You really fucked with my mind, you know that?" Ed said as he slipped a hand under Roy's pajama top and started rubbing his back before burrowing into Roy's neck.

"I never stopped wanting to be around you," Roy said, feeling a little appalled at the ridiculous notion. "The longer I didn't have you, the more I wanted you..." He sighed and a small moan slipped out at the touches on his sensitive skin. If he wasn't so hung over, he'd grab the teen and start fucking his brains out. Ed's words repeated in his mind and he said, "At lest I got to fuck with something that was you..."

"Phft! Can you, like, not be a pervert for two minutes, please?" Ed said with a chuckle. "So... I did try to plan a date... the other day, that's what I was working on when you surprised me." Ed's hand lowered and Roy felt his body respond. Dammit... He couldn't deal with this right now...

Roy was silent for a moment, remembering what had happened the day before, then he said, "That was a lot of paper to plan a date." He followed this with another involuntary moan. Couldn't Ed see that he was sick? Why the hell was he doing this to him? It wasn't as if he didn't want it, because he did, but that was the point! He'd said no sex until the date, and he hated going back on what he said, even when he knew it would be for the best. Damn his pride... Maybe that's why Ed was doing this... Roy felt like Ed was trying to take control and it was slightly uncomfortable, but at the same time he was so sick that he was at a point that he didn't really care.

"You're a complicated guy," Ed said and snuggled closer. Nudging Roy's chin with his nose, Ed slipped his tongue out to lick Roy's neck right beneath his ear.

"You know..." Roy said, feeling what little self control he possessed wither under Ed's touching and kissing. "This isn't fair... You're trying to take advantage of me while I'm sick. I haven't even gotten my date yet..." Roy couldn't help feeling like a whiny child, and instead of moving away like he normally might, he kneaded his fingers against Ed's back, wanting him. Wanting him very bad.

Ed moved under the touch and said, "I'm a teenager. A very horny teenager. Give me a break! I don't want to stop. If you want to make me, go ahead." With that said, Ed took Roy's earlobe in his mouth and ran his tongue across it.

Roy moaned. This was just too much... "I don't think I could stop you if I wanted to, but, Ed... I really don't feel well... I don't know how much I'd be able to contribute."

"Damn, and I'm 'bout ready to burst. Just jerk me off, please. I can't take this," Ed said, pressing his lower body close to Roy so that he could feel Ed's erection. "I'll do you after if you want me to. It's not like that's really sex, right?"

Roy shook his head and instantly regretted it when a sharp pain knifed into his skull. "It just depends on how you look at it..." He paused, then trying not to put too much thought into it, reached down to fumble with Ed's belt. He wanted this in the worst way and didn't have the will power to stop. When the belt stubbornly refused to unbuckle, Roy made a sound of exasperation and pulled his hand away. "Take your belt and pants off," Roy commanded quietly.

Grinning like an idiot, Ed sat up and quickly undid the belt. The teen made a soft groaning sound and said, "Sex is intercourse; there's no intercourse here..." Ed trailed off and pulled his pants off before tossing them across the room. He pulled off his shirt, then started at Roy's clothes.

Roy smirked inside. "Intercourse is intercourse, Ed," he explained watching Ed work. "Sex can be different things. Sex can be intercourse, it can be anal, oral, solo... It can be a noun or a verb. It can just refer to giving into those urges and making yourself cum. If you only limit your definition of sex to intercourse, you lose a lot..." He trailed off as a shiver ran through him due to Ed relieving him of his clothes. "So, you see, it really depends..." Roy reached out and lightly touched Ed's skin. "A hand job is just sex in the loosest form of the word..."

"Shut up," Ed said, pressing his lips hard against Roy's, and moving his hands down to pull down the pajama pants.

Breathing heavily, Roy murmured around Ed's lips, "This seems like a lot for non-sex." He put one of his hands on Ed's back and another one on the teen's chest.

"Well you," Ed started and gasped when Roy's fingers caught slightly on his nipples. "Made me wait so fucking long... fuck yeah!" Ed straddled Roy's pelvis and bent down to nip at his neck.

"It's not like you didn't have your hand, Ed..." Roy moaned. "Dammit... that feels so good..." He reached back and pulled the hair tie from Ed's hair. He wanted to see the golden strands framing Ed's face, and he wanted to feel them brush against his skin when Ed's head was close. Trying to undo the braid with one hand, Roy reached down to feel Ed's ass with the other.

After all his effort, Ed sat up and shook his hair out, making Roy smile. "I like it better when it's you. It's always better when it's you. I fucking love it when you touch me," Ed said licking his lips and slowly rolling his hips so that his erection rubbed against Roy's stomach.

Roy let his hands move down Ed's side, feeling the smooth skin under his fingers. "It's always better with you too..." Roy said, though it was sort of a half truth. While most of the time it really was very good with Ed, and he always loved feeling Ed's body, sometimes he thought it would be better if he did it himself, like when the teen tried to give him hand jobs. It wasn't that Ed was exactly _bad_ in that area, just not... well, it just wasn't as good. Now, when it came to shoving his cock up Ed's ass... _that_ was definitely better.

His hand traveled down further to Ed's erection and slowly began stroking it. "Holy shit!" Ed exclaimed. "Yeah, like that..." he moaned and closed his eyes. "Don't stop," he said breathily.

Roy continued to stroke the teen with one hand, then moved his other hand to rub the inside of Ed's thigh. "I want to hear your voice, Ed..." he whispered, then licked his lips and swallowed hard. "I want to hear how you like it."

Throwing his head back, Ed moaned, "Harder, Roy... I'm so close..." Groaning, Ed thrust hard into Roy's hand. Roy watched intently as Ed moved. The image was so hot, so fucking arousing that he wasn't sure he'd be able to stand it. His hips longed to move the same as Ed's and he wished that his cock was buried inside of the teen so that he could thrust with Ed. At the thought of plunging himself into Ed, Roy reached around and squeezed Ed's ass.

"Roy!" Ed cried, and he tried to ignore the pain in his head from Ed's yelling as the teen climaxed, squirting his chest with warm, milky cum, and dripping some on his wrist and hand. He felt some of it trickle slowly down to the concave of his stomach and a few drops dribbled down his side before Ed exhaled heavily moving his head down, though careful to avoid getting cum on his stomach.

Roy pressed his lips together and wiped the cum from his hand onto the sheet before wrapping his arm around Ed. "You looked very sexy," he said quietly. It was the truth. Ed gave him some of the hottest shows ever, perhaps because they were so real and sincere; so in the moment. Most of the females Roy had dated, and surprisingly enough a few of the males too, were incredibly self-conscious about how they looked in bed. It wasn't nearly as good to watch them...

Ed sighed. "I needed that..." There was a long pause, then, "Do you...?" Ed trailed off, rolled himself off of Roy and wrapped a hand around Roy's erection.

Roy didn't need Ed to say anything else. He knew what the teen meant. "Mmmmm... I would..." he said and watched Ed expectantly.

Ed licked his lips and began nibbling at Roy's chest, licking up the stickiness from his skin. The teen paused at Roy's stomach and glanced up. "Tell me what you want, Roy," Ed asked, voice heavy with desire.

Roy grinned and lightly took a hold of Ed's head with his fingers. What he wanted was one thing he loved Ed to do, but it was also something the teen rarely did. Ed had been vocally adamant about how gross it was in the beginning, but over time, he'd become less loud about it; something that Roy attributed to the teen maturing.

"I want you to go down on me..." Roy breathed. "I want you to suck me off, Ed... I want to see my cock in your mouth..." Just saying those words made Roy's heart speed up. He could imagine it in his mind, but to say the words out loud was much more powerful. He felt himself become even harder at the prospect of Ed doing this for him.

Smirking, Ed moved his mouth to Roy's cock and moved his tongue around the tip for a moment, then wetly dragged his tongue around the head before moving it down. Even in the dim interior of the room, Roy could make out the saliva Ed had left on his erection, and the teen's loose hair tickled his skin adding to the excitement of it. He sucked in his breath as Ed took the head of Roy's cock in his mouth, and when Ed sucked hard, Roy's eyes widened slightly at the pleasure of it.

After that initial suck, Ed moved his mouth over as much of Roy's erection as he could. Roy opened his mouth and panted at the warm, wetness. He had the strongest desire to push down hard on Ed's head, to force more of himself into the teen's mouth, but instead he simply began softly kneading Ed's head. "Oh, yes... Just like that..." he moaned. "That feels so damn good..."

Moaning with each breath, Roy knew he should probably just let Ed work, but he couldn't fight the desire to thrust. Tightening his fingers slightly on Ed's head, Roy began rocking his hips and thrusting himself into Ed's mouth. He could feel the teen relax his throat, letting Roy force himself deeper. With this, Ed was amazing, truly fucking amazing. He'd only been with one other person that he'd been able to skull fuck so deeply like this. In Roy's opinion, this was the best damn thing Ed had ever learned how to do.

Moaning loudly, Roy tightened his grip on Ed's head. "I'm going to cum..." he said, trying to give Ed a little bit of warning before it happened. Thrusting a few more times, Roy climaxed, squirting himself down Ed's throat. The teen swallowed what he gave, and Roy made an "ah" sound each time Ed's throat muscles contracted around him, amplifying the normally small aftershocks.

Finally, Roy moaned loudly and let himself lay in exhaustion on the bed. He stared at the ceiling, thinking that despite how horrible he felt, this had definitely helped him. He felt so relaxed that he thought he could drop off to sleep. After a moment, Ed crawled up beside him and lay down, snuggling against his body.

"So, how about no intercourse until a successful date, but hand and mouth privileges are allowed?" Ed asked.

Well, that took away some of the challenge... but at this point Roy didn't really care. He was sick and tired, but still enjoying the afterglow of what had just happened. "Okay..." he said, giving into what Ed wanted before kissing the teen's head. "I spoil you too much, I think..." he said quietly, trying to ward off the pain in his head that had seemed to briefly disappear when he'd been screwing Ed, but had come back with a vengeance. Bringing his hands up, Roy put one on Ed's back and pressed one to his forehead before squeezing his eyes shut.

"I don't think you spoil me," he heard Ed say with a small pout to his voice. It was just on the tip of his tongue to ask Ed if he wanted to stop being spoiled to see the difference, when Ed said, "Was that too much for you? You didn't seem to mind..."

"I'm still hung over..." That was an understatement... "But I don't regret it. It was good. _Very_ good. Thank you, Ed, and, yes, I do spoil you. I give you more than anyone." He paused, giving that a moment of thought. "But I don't regret that either." He didn't regret it. Ed was different than anyone else he'd ever been with. He was special... He made Roy feel... _alive_.

He felt Ed's chin rest on his chest where his hand was. "You should call in sick more often. We could do this all day. Hey, have you ever spoiled anyone else? Like, before me?" Ed asked, and Roy wanted to say, 'I thought you said I didn't spoil you.'

Instead he opened his eyes and petted Ed's hair. "I don't think calling in sick more often would be a good idea. Hawkeye actually came by to 'check on me' after I called in." _Bitch_, he thought. "Sometimes I wonder who's the commanding officer in that office." He chuckled, then looked at Ed fondly.

"No..." he said, answering Ed's question. "No one like you. There's never been anyone like you. I've never treated anyone like you before. You are..." He paused, thinking about his earlier thoughts and gently touched Ed's cheek. "You are special... No one else has been able to make me want to give in so much." He paused and moved a piece of hair that was hanging in front of Ed's face. "I've never spoiled anyone like you..." Roy thought that this hang over thing was bad for him in more ways than one. He couldn't seem to keep his personal thoughts inside.

"Why'd you like me in the first place..." Ed asked. "I wasn't very nice to you in the beginning..." He paused, then mumbled, "I always wondered that."

"At first?" Roy asked. "You mean, as in... why did I pursue you?"

"Yeah, 'cause you never told me what you like about me." Ed laid on his side and rested his head on Roy's shoulder before throwing an arm over Roy's chest and reaching up to play with the hair on the back of his neck.

Roy cleared his throat. What could he say? Should he tell Ed the truth or just sweet talk him? Ed was getting to be quite mature... maybe he'd be able to handle the truth. After all, he'd heard that it was best to be truthful to your mate. He'd never followed that before, but then he'd never called anyone his mate before. He cared so much for Ed... maybe it would just be best to be honest. Ed could handle it because he was becoming an adult and because Roy was pretty sure that Ed cared for him just as much as he did for Ed.

"Well..." he began. "Actually at first I just wanted to fuck you. Sorry." He glanced cautiously at Ed, then went on. "You had so much energy that I was extremely curious if it would extend to your sex life." There was also the fact that he had wanted to bring Ed low, but Roy didn't think that kind of honesty would be appreciated. "And, of course, you didn't seem to like me very much so that really added to the thrill of the hunt..." he added.

"What!" Ed exclaimed, sitting up and glaring down at him. "You're fucking kidding, right?"

Roy grabbed Ed's arm and said, "Just wait, and don't shout..." What was Ed's problem anyway? Everything he'd said was supposed to be flattering. If Ed wasn't good looking he wouldn't want to fuck him at all.

"I'll shout if I wanna shout," Ed returned, trying to pull Roy's hand away. "I can't _believe_ what a fucking pervert you are!"

"Dammit, Edward..." Roy said, and let Ed slip out of his grasp. He was just too weak to hold on. "Yes, I'm a pervert," he conceded, deciding it was best to just agree with Ed for now. Whether someone was a pervert or not was in the eye of the beholder. "But you know my reputation... I usually only went out with people to have sex with them. How many people do you think I screwed before you? How many am I still with, or even better, how many did I stay with longer than a week?" he asked, trying to get Ed to understand just how special he was to him. If he didn't care, then he wouldn't have gone through all the effort, and he wouldn't still be with him now. "Now, if you'll just stay there and let me speak, you'll get the answer to your question."

Ed glared down at him, but didn't move back to his previous spot. "I don't even want to think about how many people you've had sex with..." Ed said petulantly before glancing away and staring angrily at the wall.

Roy sighed again at how difficult his young lover was being. "Ed..." he began, desperately wanting to explain this so that Ed would understand. "It was during the time that I spent trying to get you that I started to realize how much I enjoyed being with you. You weren't like anyone I'd ever been with. You were smart and you kept me on my toes. It was invigorating to be around you. Despite our differences, you became an addiction for me, even before I ever succeeded in getting you into bed. By the time we actually had sex, I already wanted to be with you for more than that. Yes, I wanted you for sex first, but that's not the only reason I want you now... Why should the past matter?"

"I was just curious," Ed said crossly.

Roy reached up and touched Ed's face, trying to think of something to say that would make things better. "I might not have told you before, but... You're becoming an adult and I think you can handle the truth," Roy said, running a thumb over Ed's lips. That should make Ed happy. He liked being told how mature he was becoming.

"I'm sorry that the truth isn't very romantic, but you should be happy that you also have the honor of being the only one I've ever been honest with..." He trailed off. It was such a personal thing to tell, especially since it made him sound like a real sleaze, but perhaps by giving a little more of himself than was comfortable, Ed would understand him better. His head pounded, and he felt completely exhausted. "Please don't go..." he said softly.

Ed swallowed and blinked before frowning and looking down in a way where his hair covered his face. Roy could hear Ed's irregular breathing and could feel him messing with the sheet. "Honored? ...I'd rather you weren't so blunt... it hurts," The last was a soft whisper that Roy almost missed. "You could have said it nicer, I don't like... never mind," Ed said, pain lacing through his voice, then laid back down in his previous spot.

Roy held him tightly and frowned at the stiffness he felt from Ed. What did he say that was wrong? He'd thought he was giving Ed what he wanted. He thought he'd said things that would make Ed happy. He thought... Well, it didn't matter what he thought, obviously he had been incorrect, but what was he supposed to say now?

"Nothing I say is right, is it?" he finally said. "Nothing I do..." he trailed off and let his breath out slowly. "I don't always think of saying things the nice way with you, Ed, and when I do act 'nice' you think I'm treating you like a girl or something. I'm not sure what you want from me..." he trailed off as he petted Ed's hair.

_Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it_... he thought, but he couldn't say it. He was done talking about this. He'd already been shot down for sharing himself, he didn't want that to happen again. It was all so confusing and it hurt... hurt his heart and hurt his pride.

"Like I know? It's all new to me, you know," Ed answered, then sighed. "I don't know how to act well for anything..."

Roy kissed Ed's forehead. "I didn't mean to hurt you," he said, trying to sooth his young lover.

"Yeah, okay..." Ed said and relaxed into Roy. "Forget I even brought it up."

That was fine with Roy. His head hurt even more now, and the nausea was still ever present. He lay there for a while, thinking about the conversation they'd just had, then said, "Ed?"

"Hmm?" came the drowsy response.

"Why me?"

"Eh?" Ed mumbled, looking up in confusion.

"You asked me why I liked you... in essence why I chose you... Well, why me? I mean... Like you said, we didn't get along..." Roy glanced at Ed and realized that it was a childish thing to ask and he never would have even thought of asking if Ed hadn't have asked it first. "You don't have to answer. Never mind that I even brought it up..." he said, and glanced away.

Ed rested his head back on Roy's shoulder and after several moments, the teen said, "Well... I like your eyes, and your voice is... shiver inspiring... but I didn't really notice until after we were together. I guess I was attracted to your power at first." Ed laughed. "I love the way your uniform swirls around you when you snap your fingers. It's very sexy."

Roy stared at Ed quietly for several moments. What Ed had just said was so nice... It was... well, not what he had expected, and Roy had a bad feeling that Ed had wanted something like that from him. "I..." he stopped and looked at the ceiling. "I don't know what to say..." he said breathily. "That's so..." He paused. "Flattering." It was the only word he could think of. It was flattering. Maybe that's what Ed was trying to do. Maybe he was just trying to please him with hollow words. Roy had done that plenty of times before to both Ed and others and he knew they meant nothing. Roy tried not to dwell on this and instead said, "Thank you..." He didn't know if Ed meant them or not, but he wasn't in the mood to find out either.

"Yeah, you get off on that shit, I know you do," Ed returned, then sighed and snuggled more closely to him. Roy frowned at what the teen had said. It was almost as if Ed had said, 'I didn't really mean it but I wanted to say something nice, you son-of-a bitch, get the hint.'

"I just didn't expect something so eloquent," he said quietly and closed his eyes. He held Ed close, deciding not to think about it for now. He couldn't. He was too exhausted, and too sick. With his eyes closed, he started to drift off to sleep.

"Hmm… bet you never knew I had it in me," Ed said with a yawn.

_You're right..._ Roy thought._ I'd never thought to hear hollow flattery from you._ "You learn something new everyday," he mumbled, half asleep now, and when he heard nothing else, Roy gave in to the darkness and slept.

* * *

Please note that all of Ed's dialogue belongs to Kikiko. Please check my profile for Ed's POV by Kikiko.


	6. Human Error

**The More I Learn to Care for You**

**Chapter Six**

**Human Error**

Roy opened his eyes, waking suddenly from a dreamless sleep at the sound groaning; which made him feel like groaning too. His headache wasn't as severe as it had been, nor the nausea, but it was still there making him wish he was still asleep.

At another groan, he turned his gaze to rest on the young man sleeping beside him and frowned. Ed's face was screwed up tight, as if he was having a nightmare. Roy wondered if it would be best to wake the teen. Normally Ed didn't like being woken and tended to get cranky, but in this situation...

Deciding to chance Ed's pissy attitude, Roy reached over and shook him. "Hey..." he whispered, more for the sake of his own head than for Ed. At this, Ed simply groaned again, clutched his stomach and rolled into a ball.

Roy's frown deepened. Ed didn't often get sick, but it wasn't unheard of. Trying to be a little gentler than he had before, Roy slipped a hand under Ed's bangs to see if the teen had a fever and grimaced at the sweat there.

_Well, at least he doesn't have a fever_, Roy thought, before taking his other hand and rubbing it along Ed's bare back. "Edward..." he whispered in a kinder tone than before.

Ed grimaced and panted, "Fuck..." before curling his body even tighter.

Roy moved his hand from Ed's forehead and wiped it on one of the pillows. "What's going on?" he asked feeling a little concerned.

Ed cracked an eye open and groaned, "My stomach's fucking trying to kill me..." The teen gazed at him as if Roy could do something about it, then relaxed.

Roy frowned. "What did you eat for breakfast?" he asked, wondering if the kid had drunk the same shitty coffee he'd brought over. If so, then he'd be sure not to drink the rest of it...

Ed swallowed again. "Nothing. I haven't–" he began, but fell silent.

Roy's frown deepened. Ed hadn't eaten anything for breakfast...? "Okay, well, maybe it's what you ate for dinner last night," he said, trying to puzzle out what could be wrong with the teen. If he knew what it was, then he could do something about it. Right now though, Roy felt a little helpless, and he didn't like that.

Looking sheepishly away, Ed said, "Yeah, maybe..." Reaching out, Ed draped his arm over Roy's chest, trying to get him to lie back down before moving his body closer to Roy. "How's the head? Sorry I woke you..."

"The head still hurts, but it's not too bad," Roy said, still rubbing Ed's back. He wasn't sure if that qualified as a lie or not given that his head did still ache badly, but he didn't dwell on it, and Ed didn't need to know. Right now he was more interested in how he could help Ed feel better than focusing on himself. "Well, if you didn't eat breakfast, that's probably your problem." He paused. It wasn't like Ed not to eat... "Why didn't you eat breakfast anyway? You're usually starving by the time you get up."

"I couldn't... I..." Ed brushed his hair back over his shoulder. "I rushed over to the office to talk to you and then came here... so, don't worry about it. I'll be fine," Ed said, a small smile on his face and suddenly he was painfully reminded of the conversation they'd earlier that morning. Ed's words, so flattering and almost believable ran through his head, but he tried to push them away; tried to push the negative feelings away.

He didn't like to think that somehow Ed had picked up hollow flattery from him, but for some unknown reason he found the idea that Ed had somehow learned it on his own even more bothersome. Roy had never been on the receiving end of hollow words and pretty lies, at least that he knew of, and the thought that he was now, with someone he cared about, made him feel empty inside.

He tried to push the thoughts away, but Ed was smiling up at him so sweetly, yet he was lying through his teeth. Ed wasn't fine. Something was obviously wrong, yet he refused to tell him what it was. Hurt flashed through him at the thought that perhaps Ed didn't want his help. Perhaps Ed was trying to distance himself in preparation for breaking up their relationship...

"You rushed over to the office...?" Roy asked, trying to ignore the numb feeling that was starting to spread through him. "You must be sick..." It was true. Ed going in early was like Jean Havoc going a day without smoking. It just didn't happen. "You didn't eat breakfast, _and_ you showed up for work early?" Roy reached over and felt Ed's forehead again, ignoring Ed's smirk. Most likely there was a smart ass comment floating around inside his head, and Roy didn't want to know what it was. He would take care of Ed right now and deal with the other later... or at least he'd try... "Well, you don't have a fever," he said, wiping his hand on the pillow again. "You wouldn't be sweating this much if you did. I think you need to eat something."

"I only went to talk with you. Really, it's okay, I don't think I can handle food right now," he heard Ed say as he sat up and, turning his back to Ed, swung his legs over the side of the bed. Roy stopped and frowned when he felt Ed's hand on his arm. "It'll go away soon, I'm sure."

Roy turned his head and upper body so that he could stare at Ed, who was smiling softly. This was very, _very_, unusual. "You don't want food?" he asked quietly, more to himself than to Ed. Ed shook his head to indicate that he didn't want anything. An unpleasant thought occurred to him that maybe Ed just didn't want food from _him_... "When did you eat last?" he asked.

"I don't know." He didn't _know?_ Roy felt frustration well up inside of him. How could Ed not know when he'd eaten last? Food was to Ed as water was to a fish. "Come on, lay back down," Ed said and tugged at Roy's shoulder. "It's gone, so don't worry about it, okay?" Roy worked hard to keep his face smooth. Don't worry about it? Sure... of course... he just wouldn't worry about it... "Come back to bed," Ed said suggestively with a small smirk.

Sex.

Of course.

Probably the one thing they really had in common; they both liked sex. A lot. Of course he'd said no sex until the date, but he probably wasn't going to get that date. Wouldn't it be better to get what intimacy he could from Ed while they were together? Maybe sex would spur Ed's appetite as well.

"Come on," Ed coaxed again with a small tug on his shoulder. "I'd be _honored_ to have you come back to bed."

Roy turned his body back so that his back was facing Ed and ran a hand through his hair. Ed would be _honored_, huh... More meaningless flattery... or maybe Ed was making fun of him... Cold anger spread through him. Sure. He'd give Ed what he wanted. The kid was obviously trying to manipulate him, so he'd give in. After all, sex was probably the only thing Ed wanted from this relationship anyway. He wasn't sure why that bothered him so much, after all, sex was sex... Did he really want more from Ed that much? Had he sunk so low that he actually _wanted_ a real relationship with someone? When the hell had this happened?

He turned around fully and crawled over the bed, pushing Ed down on his back, then straddled Ed's hips. He felt himself getting hard at the prospect of fucking the teen, but inside he felt no real excitement. He felt angry that he let himself believe he had something with Ed; angry that he allowed himself to get to that point. The game was to screw Ed and take him off his self made pedestal. Not to fall himself...

He ignored the pain in his heart that begged him not to shut Ed out, but it was too late. Roy had pushed his share of lovers away; watched them leave with tears in their eyes after he broke things off with them, and he'd be dammed if he'd let Ed do that to him.

He let his eyes and hands wander over Ed's body. _He_ would not be the one to leave crying. _He_ wouldn't be the one who agonized over being dumped. No... no way. He leaned over and started kissing Ed's neck and playing with one of the teen's nipples.

"Is this what you want, Ed?" Roy asked breathily. _Is this what you want, you little whore?_ he thought coldly.

"Yes, I want this..." Ed answered. Of course he did... Roy moved his hand down to Ed's groin and felt the teen arch up, pushing himself against Roy's hand. He continued fondling Ed and dragged his tongue wetly down Ed's throat, then to his chest, claming the teen's other nipple in his mouth. It was just sex. That was it. This wasn't lovemaking. It wasn't, and he wouldn't let it be. He unfeelingly told himself that he was fucking Ed and that was it. Just like so many others before him. It was all about getting laid...

"AH!" Ed moaned and arched off the bed. "Roy..."

_No..._ Roy thought, feeling the pain rise up inside of him again. _Don't say my name. Don't call for me as if you care about me._ Ed brought his hands up to Roy's head and kneaded the back of his head for a moment before he felt Ed trying to pull him up, for a kiss probably...

Roy refused to do what Ed wanted. He wasn't going to kiss him... He wanted to, but he couldn't... Kisses were reserved for people who cared about each other. In a way, they were much more intimate than sex. If Ed didn't care about him, then Roy didn't want to make that connection again. If he did make that connection, he'd only be setting himself up for more pain later...

No, this was about sex. Ed wanted _sex,_ not intimacy, and he wouldn't let the little shit convince him otherwise. He'd already fallen into that trap... Moving his hand from Ed's nipple, Roy reached over, opened the nightstand drawer and clumsily felt around inside. He'd give Ed what he wanted and Roy would finish playing the game he'd started out playing.

And he would win.

Oh yes... He would definitely win.

Roy _never_ lost...

He found what he wanted and pulled it out before shutting the drawer. He released Ed's nipple from his mouth and pushed back on his heals, ultimately moving off of Ed and easing the teen's legs open with his so that he was sitting in between Ed's open legs. He gripped the bottle in his hand and glanced at Ed who was gaping at him, mouth open slightly and hands at his sides, working the sheet between his fingers.

_I never lose_... he thought to himself, but deep inside he felt like he'd already lost.

He snapped the cap open and squeezed some lube into his hand before looking down and pressing a lubed finger against Ed's opening and sliding it in. He felt the muscles there contract around his finger and his cock jumped in anticipation.

"This is what you want, right, Ed?" he asked quietly. _This is the only thing you want from me... just sex. Tell me I'm right, Ed, so that I can let you go, _he thought. A part of him knew that he wasn't being fair. The kid wasn't a mind reader, and it wasn't fair to expect him to read the deeper meaning to the question in the middle of sex, but...

Ed gasped and his eyes rolled back. "Yes..." he sighed. "Yes, yes..." The teen shifted and Roy's finger moved in deeper. "Roy..." Ed moaned and arched his body again, using his flesh foot to rub along one of Roy's legs as he licked his lips and watched Roy intently.

Roy looked down and worked another finger in. His body felt cold and a little tingly as he tried to convince himself that Ed knew exactly what he'd meant by the question. He glanced back up and said in an even tone, "Beg me, Ed. Beg me to fuck you. Convince me that this is what you want." _Convince me you're like everyone else. Tell me it was all a lie..._

Ed groaned and flushed darkly. "Roy, please, I want you to fuck me, please. I'll do anything. I need you, please. I want your cock inside me." Ed swallowed hard with the last sentence.

There. He admitted it. Ed would do anything to get Roy to fuck him... That was all fine and dandy if it was all about sex, but... but... it hadn't been... right? It hadn't all been about sex right? Not all along... It couldn't have been. Roy forced those thoughts away angrily. He felt like he was fighting against himself and it was so frustrating and confusing...

"You'll do anything, huh?" he whispered, as if saying it out loud made his suspicions correct. He slowly worked in another finger watching as it disappeared into Ed with the other two. "Would you tell me what I wanted to hear to get what you want?" he asked evenly, ignoring the fact that he was leading Ed to say what he wanted him to, a skill he'd picked up from interrogating prisoners of war during the Ishbal conflict.

Ed groaned at the added finger. "Yesss..." he hissed. "I...goddamn...just do it, please!" he begged, his body shaking with need.

And why not? Why not just give it to him... Roy's body certainly wanted it; his cock hard and erect. Pulling his fingers out, Roy squeezed more lube out and spread it on his penis before maneuvering Ed's legs up onto his shoulders, careful not to hit himself in the head with the automail leg. When he felt the angle was good, he touched the tip of his erection against the stretched opening before shoving his cock up Ed's ass, then grabbed Ed's legs before they could slide off his shoulders.

Roy felt Ed's muscles tighten at the quick entrance and he held still for a minute. They were both breathing hard and he could tell by Ed's gripping at the sheets, his open mouth and his closed eyes, that it was a little more than he had expected all at once. Roy felt a pang of guilt flash through him. That was how he treated whores or maybe one night stands, most definitely not how a long time lover should be treated...

"Tell me, Ed," he said through heavy breaths. "Tell me what you want from me." _Do you want me just for this or is there more? _

Ed simply panted for a few moments then rolled his hips, "Move. Fuck me, just move!" Ed said, his voice rising in anticipation as he reached for Roy.

_Just sex..._ "Is that it?" he asked pushing the ridiculous pain away. What did he care if Ed just wanted sex? He was being ridiculous. A real relationship with someone Ed's age wasn't possible. He should have known that before... Why was he finding this so hard to accept?

"Is that it?" Ed asked, a look of confusion on his face. He seemed to contemplate this for a short second before saying, "Kiss me. Hard." He stared at Roy intently and shifted again.

Roy thought about the request briefly before he snatched Ed's flesh hand and pressed a hard kiss against it; his lips pressing against the scar Ed had from when he'd hurt himself on New Year's Eve. He wanted to kiss Ed on the lips, wanted to lose himself in Ed's embrace, but he couldn't allow himself to do that. He couldn't allow himself to connect; not when he knew it was all a lie...

He let go of Ed's hand and quickly grabbed one of Ed's legs tightly for balance, then wrapped his other hand around Ed's cock and thrust into the smaller body, pumping at the teen's erection.

Fucking he could do. It didn't require emotional attachment, just the desire for pleasure. He glanced down at Ed holding onto the bed for balance. His eyes were closed and he panted and moaned in a way that made Roy want to just forget everything else that was going on in his head and immerse himself in the feel of Ed under his hands and lips. He longed to feel Ed's arms around him, but he refrained.

"I'm...going...to..." Ed panted, then gasped as he climaxed hard; his eyes closing firmly with the pleasure. Cum squirted forcefully up, hitting the exposed part of Roy's lower stomach. Smaller squirts didn't reach up that far and simply dropped back down onto Roy's hand. He waited a moment for Ed to start going down from his high before letting go of his softening sex and, without bothering to wipe off his hand first, grabbed tightly onto Ed's other leg. His body wanted release, no matter how much his mind wanted to push Ed away so that he didn't have to think about what was going on.

Roy plunged quick and hard into Ed, watching the smaller body move with each thrust. He moaned at the pleasure, then held his breath and squeezed his eyes shut at the moment of climax. He pushed forcefully into Ed one last time, then let his body relax with a hard exhale.

Sitting back on his heals a little, Roy watched as Ed lay on the bed, body totally relaxed, with eyes closed, and fought a sudden urge to kiss the teen. After a moment, Ed's eyes cracked open and his lips moved into a small smile before letting out a sigh.

"I thought—not that I'm complaining—but..." Ed said, but trailed off near the end.

Of course Ed wasn't complaining. He'd gotten what he wanted... Roy pulled out and let Ed's legs down before getting up and walking to the master bathroom connected to his bedroom. Roy was usually pretty pleasant after sex too, but right now he couldn't help feeling as if Ed were somehow manipulating him by being a little shit whenever he wasn't getting something he wanted; in this case, sex.

"Are you hungry now?" Roy asked loudly as he reached into the cupboard and pulled out a roll of toilet paper. He felt irritated that he still cared whether or not Ed was feeling better. He didn't want to care...

"No, not really," he heard Ed say, his voice still contented. Roy pulled off some of the toilet paper and cleaned himself off. "Are you coming back?" Ed called, then a note of concern entered his voice. "Are you okay? Is your head bothering you?"

A stab of guilt hit him, but he ignored it. That was just Ed being Ed. He had a certain amount of general concern for everyone. It didn't have anything to do with Roy in particular.

With the roll of toilet paper in hand, Roy walked out of the bathroom and tossed the roll to Ed so that the teen could clean himself up. "I think you should have something in your stomach," he said, ignoring Ed's earlier questions. Yes, his head still hurt. No, he wasn't okay. He felt shitty both physically and emotionally. "It's not normal for you not to be hungry, and stomach pains might be a sign that your body is unhappy with you depriving it," Roy said conversationally, trying not to show the negativity he was feeling. He wanted to get Ed fed, and out the door before he said something he would regret later.

And he _would_ regret it later. He always did. It wasn't that he liked hurting people, but it made him feel a little better making someone else feel just as bad as he was. He remembered some of the mean and cruel things he'd said to previous lovers, and the looks on their faces... Oh, it had given him some sort of morbid satisfaction in that moment, but later, when he had time to dwell on it, he couldn't help thinking that he had to be the biggest bastard ever to walk the earth.

He'd worked hard to keep himself in check when with Ed, at first because it could have caused problems for him professionally, later because he cared... because... Even if he had to turn around and walk away, leaving Ed to wonder for a while, it was better than the other.

Ed caught the toilet paper, and frowned. After a moment of chewing lightly on his lip, Ed started cleaning himself up. Pressing his lips together, Roy picked up his pajama pants and put them on, then let his eyes follow Ed as he walked to the bathroom, soiled toilet paper in hand. After a moment Ed came back out and leaned against the door frame.

"I don't think I like you drinking or hung over," Ed pronounced.

Biting back a comment on how Ed could mind his own damn business, Roy grunted and walked over to the teen. He put a hand on Ed's cheek, trying to ignore Ed's fine and very naked body, and slid his thumb over Ed's face. "I don't see what the problem is. You got what you wanted, didn't you?" The urge to say more was weighing heavily on him and he decided that he needed to get away. He needed to pull himself together before his negativity became too much to hold back. Taking his hand away from Ed's face, Roy turned and, left the room. As he started down the stairs, he said loudly, "Come down here when you're ready."

When he got to the bottom of the stairs, Roy glanced at the front door and suddenly wished he wasn't in his pajamas. If he were dressed then he could just leave. Leave and go for a walk. Cool his head...

Instead, he walked into the kitchen and quickly started the coffee. Turning, he grabbed a mug out of the cupboard and put it next to the coffee maker, then after a moment's thought, snatched a small glass and moved to the refrigerator. He filled the glass with milk, put it on the counter, then moved back to the coffee pot.

After a moment, he heard Ed walk into the kitchen behind him. Without looking, Roy pointed in the general direction of the fridge and said, "Drink it. It will help your stomach." He didn't know that it would _definitely_ help, but he'd seen people swear by it, so it was the best he could do for now.

There was a moment of silence, then, "I don't _do_ milk."

Again, not turning, Roy said flatly, "I did you, so do the milk." He knew Ed hated milk, but it wasn't as if he were serving it to him for some sort of refreshing beverage. It was meant to be medicine, and medicine didn't always taste very good. Pouring his coffee into his mug, Roy felt a wave of pain of the earlier nausea flash through him and he wondered if perhaps he should be drinking some milk too.

He heard Ed snort. "That's not equivalent."

Roy turned around with his coffee in hand and frowned. He couldn't believe Ed was fighting him so much on this, especially after he'd given in about the no sex agreement. "Fine, Ed. Don't drink it." He didn't want to argue. It was hard enough to hold his tongue right now without flared tempers. "I'm not your mother," he added before he could stop it. Gritting his teeth against saying more, Roy grabbed the muffin Ed had brought him and walked to the table.

"What the fuck's your problem? We just had wicked sex and you're acting like a prick!" Ed yelled and slashed the air angrily with his hand. "I know I didn't do anything this time so what is it!" he added, and glared.

Roy glanced up at Ed feeling anger burn deep within him. Taking a sip of the coffee, Roy said calmly, "The milk will help your stomach. Why are you acting so childish when I'm trying to help you feel better?"

He knew he could have said in a less confrontational, and accusing way, but he wasn't feeling very nice at the moment. Even though everything was pointing to Ed ending what they had, Roy had still tried to take care of the little shit. Deep inside, he knew it was because he cared that much for Ed, but he didn't want to think about it. If he did, then he didn't know if he'd be able to face the prospect of being without him...

"Don't turn this back on me. You know what I'm talking about. I may have been caught up in the moment, but that doesn't mean I didn't notice!" Ed exclaimed, then added in an offended tone, "You wouldn't even fuckin' kiss me!"

"You find the taste of vomit arousing?" Roy asked calmly, then took another sip of the hot liquid. "Are you trying to start a fight with me, Ed?" _Here's your opening, Ed. I'm giving it to you on a silver platter. If you want to end this, then do it now. Don't drag it on..._ Roy thought.

Ed pressed his lips together. "I kissed you when I first got here, you didn't worry about it then. But fine, I got shit to do. You're getting better, so I should shove off," Ed said, then turned around to go back upstairs for his jacket and coat.

Taking another sip, Roy watched Ed go, then turned his attention to the muffin. He didn't feel especially hungry, but Ed had brought it for him and it would probably be best if he ate some of it...

He shook his head and began picking at it a little. Ed had brought it... and that disgusting excuse for coffee. It really had been a nice gesture on his part... Something Ed didn't often do... nice gestures that is... With a sigh, Roy rubbed at his eyes. He wasn't sure what to think anymore. He couldn't help but think that this must have been what some of his former lovers must have felt like as he prepared to leave them. He never realized until now how awful it could be to be on the other end.

He was so confused and frustrated. He didn't want it to end, but he was too proud to ask Ed to stay. Instead, he found himself getting ready to do what he did best: Being the one to leave first.

He heard Ed coming down the stairs before he saw him, given that the teen had put his boots back on. Passing by the kitchen, Ed waved and headed for the front door.

Roy watched, feeling as if this was all happening to someone else. Suddenly anger washed over him, hot and scathing, and decided that if Ed was going to walk out that door, it would be because Roy wanted him to, not because Ed had decided it.

"It's rather telling, isn't it, Ed?" Roy said calmly, yet loud enough to hear. Ed stopped, mid-step and turned slightly. "I give you what you want, and you get angry at me for asking you to do something as simple as drink a glass of milk... for your own health." He knew he should stop there. Knew he should get up and walk away, but he didn't. He couldn't. He felt a cold, calm anger deep inside of him and he couldn't stop his tongue. "Your selfishness never ceases to amaze me..." he added, then took a sip of the coffee, as he calmly studied the teen.

When Ed turned around to face him, Roy saw that his face had reddened, in anger he supposed. With deep, jagged breaths, Ed opened his mouth to speak. "I..." he stopped for a moment, clenching and unclenching his jaw. "I better go," Ed finally said stiffly. "Before I do something I'll regret later."

Roy glanced up at him, eyes lazily half-lidded, and coldly calculated each step he needed to take to throw Ed off his guard and put him in his place. Ed's emotions were too easily triggered. Five minutes with the kid would show anyone that by how quickly he became angry.

"You do that, Ed. I understand that you don't have full control over yourself." He paused to watch Ed's reaction. Ed let out a shaky breath and clenched his hands into fists. Anger first. Anger is the child of pain, so he'd start there first and work his way in. "It must be hard on you, knowing that you're not really an adult yet." Another pause as he made a show of taking a sip. He needed to pace his words, so that Ed could digest them. "If you were, you'd have more control over your actions and you wouldn't have thrown a fit when I asked you to do something that would help you."

Ed grimaced and pulled his lips back in a silent growl. "I thought you said you liked my energy," Ed said defensively. "Isn't that what you said and then right after you slapped me in the face by flaunting your past flings? I do have control, or else I'd be over there right now punching your fuckin' face in!"

"I don't recall flaunting my past flings in your face," Roy said evenly. Really, he didn't. He couldn't even think of what the hell Ed was talking about. It was probably just Ed blowing one or two words out of proportion, like always... "It might be best if you didn't take things out of context, Ed." He took another sip of the coffee. It was all tactics really; attack and defend, just like a battle. _All I ever needed to know for ending my love life, I learned in the military,_ he thought sarcastically.

But now that Ed was defending one thing, it was time to bring in the real attack. Anger was good only up to a specific point. Hurt was the best weapon, and he intended to use it. Shaking his head, Roy said, "You have such violent tendencies, Ed. I can only imagine this is partially why your brother stays away from you." At this, Ed gasped and took a step back with a horrified look on his face. "Of course, I can imagine that just seeing you brings many bad memories that he'd like to avoid."

"You...you...take that back..." Ed stammered.

"Sure. I take it back. But that doesn't change the reality of it," Roy returned, then put down his coffee and gave Ed his full attention. "When was the last time you saw Alphonse?" He paused again, knowing full well that the next thing he was about to say was cruel, but at this point he really didn't care. "You ruined his life. Yes, you got his body back, but how many years were wasted? He knows you can't control yourself, just as much as I know you can't. I'm sure he doesn't want to chance having you do something even worse to him."

In obvious distress, Ed gripped the front of his shirt over his stomach and drew in a shaky breath. "No...that's not..." he whispered, then yelled, "That's not it! He's...he's not scared of me!" The bright red of a few moments before drained away, leaving Ed's complexion pale and washed out. "He's NOT!"

Roy shrugged. "I'm sure you don't threaten to hit him as often as you threaten to hit me, but you're really just an accident waiting to happen. You've really hurt a lot of people with your careless attitude." He paused and frowned at the sudden thought that he'd never see Maes again. He could mention that to Ed, but... he couldn't. What he was saying was enough without mentioning names... "People have died because of you and your selfish carelessness..." He trailed off, not able to say anymore. It was too much, even for him.

Ed gasped and swallowed hard giving Roy a look that radiated deep pain as he backed away toward the door. His hand worked over his stomach, opening and closing and his eyes were focused on Roy as if he were unable to take them away.

Roy picked up his mug, and took a sip, suddenly feeling even worse than he had before. "I'm sorry, I've kept you. You said you were leaving." He took another sip and wished that Ed would just leave so that he could go up to his room and be alone in his misery. "Go on. Run away from the truth. Humans are good at lying to themselves to make reality less painful. Go home and tell yourself that everything I've said is a lie. Continue to believe that your brother is only staying in Rizembool because he has a love interest."

It was hard to keep the emotion out of his voice and he had to work hard to keep his tone steady. "Go. I'm tired of trying to do things for you, only to get pushed away or have my words twisted into something else. I'm sick of your selfish attitude." Ed shook his head and Roy could see tears gathering heavily in his eyes. Part of him screamed for him to stop this, to not do this to Ed, but he was past the point of listening to his inner self.

"All you think about is yourself, and you don't even stop to consider what someone else might be thinking or feeling. I don't know why I thought this could ever work... You're obviously not interested in having a mature relationship." He paused when he realized he was putting too much of his own feelings into this, and changed his direction back to calculating. Giving Ed a hard look, he said coldly, "Get out."

Ed stared at him like a deer stares into the lights of an approaching vehicle, frozen and immovable. The tears that had welled up in Ed's large, golden eyes finally overflowed and trickled slowly down his cheeks.

"Roy..." Ed whispered in a soft plea that made Roy's heart drop. In all the times he'd unfeelingly made his lovers cry, he'd never once let them affect him at the moment he was doing it.

But this was Ed.

And Ed was different...

Roy watched silently as Ed continued to stand there and cry; sniffling softly as the tears overflowed. His fingers itched to reach out and pull Ed close; to apologize for everything and make it all right again.

But he couldn't.

He started and now he'd have to go through with it. If he hadn't done this, then it just as well could have been him crying instead of Ed, and that just wouldn't do. No, Roy had too much pride to allow himself to get that low.

Setting down the coffee, he said, "What? What more do you want from me?" It was a sincere question, but at the last moment he was afraid to know the answer, because the answer could be something to indicate he'd been wrong. And if he'd been wrong, then what he'd just done to Ed...

"No, wait," he said quickly and put up a hand, palm facing forward. He closed his eyes. "I think I already asked that this morning and you said you wanted me to fuck you." He opened his eyes and gave Ed an accusing look. "Well, I did. I gave you what you wanted. I've given you everything I have to give."

Hurt raced through him like a fire in a forest of dead trees. Part of him wanted Ed to understand that he didn't want this to end. "I've given you more than anyone before you and I tried to convey that to you this morning, but you simply turned it around giving me hollow flattering words, then accusing me when I didn't do everything the way you wanted it done." His eyes ran over Ed as he continued to cry, and at his last words, Ed gave a moan.

Then there was a part of him, the proud and stubborn part, refused to back down. "How do you expect me to have a relationship with someone as self-centered and inconsiderate as you?"

He paused trying to pull the two sides together and suddenly he felt very tired. He didn't want to play anymore games; he just wanted the pain to end. "You're obviously ready to end this, so I'm giving you want you want. I _always _give you want you want in the end, don't I, Ed?" he said, and realized it was true. He really did give everything to Ed. He did it because... He paused and pushed the thought away. If that thought were true, then he was in worse shape then he'd originally believed.

"But now," he continued, "I have nothing more to give you." Roy looked down at the coffee mug and whispered painfully, "Go. Just go. I can't even look at you..."

"That's not...I didn't," he heard Ed sob. "I don't want this to be over, Roy!" He heard Ed's boots move against the floor. "I want you, I do! Please, Roy..." he begged. "I didn't mean it."

Roy tightened his grip on the mug and felt his eyes sting. Why was he doing this? Why hadn't he just let Ed leave? Why was he so stubborn and proud? Why couldn't he and Ed just stay together and have a good relationship...? Ed's sniffling, though actually quite soft, echoed loudly in his ears, and he had the urge to get up, put his arms around the teen and toss his damn pride out the window by begging forgiveness.

Working up his courage, Roy looked up and opened his mouth, when suddenly the phone rang. He closed his mouth and glanced up to his room as it rang again, then quickly stood and dashed up the stairs. He wasn't sure whether to feel relieved at the interruption or frustrated.

Grabbing onto the receiver, Roy picked up the phone and said, "Mustang."

"Colonel," came the voice on the other line and Roy sagged. It was General Hakuro...

"Hello, sir," Roy said, none to pleased at hearing the general's voice.

"The note on my desk says you're sick, but you sound fine to me," Hakuro said and Roy growled inwardly.

"I am feeling a little better, sir, though I wasn't able to keep anything down this morning."

"I need you to go to South Central Head Quarters and meet with Colonel Wolfe about what we talked about the other day?"

Roy frowned. "Today...?"

"No, next year," came the sarcastic reply. "Of course today. In fact, I've already called her and let her know you'll be there in about..." A pause. "A half hour from now, so you'd better get moving."

Roy rubbed his forehead. "I'm feeling _a little_ better, sir... But, I'm still not completely well. It might be better if..."

"Are you arguing with me, colonel?" Hakuro asked.

"No, sir..." he said dejectedly.

"Good. Be sure to have her give you those documents as well."

"Yes, sir..."

"And, colonel," Hakuro said, and paused.

"Yes, sir?"

"Don't flirt with the woman this time."

Roy scowled. "Yes, sir..."

When Roy heard a click, he turned and sat heavily on the bed and stared dully at the receiver for a moment before dialing head quarters and then Hawkeye's extension.

"Division 352. This is Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"Lieutenant," Roy began.

"Sir..." she said, sounding a little surprised. "How are you feeling?"

He sighed into the phone. "Honestly? I feel like shit." Not just physically, but emotionally... "I need to hold a conference with Colonel Wolfe in a half hour. Would you come pick me up?"

There was a moment of silence, then, "Sir... I can't. I have that mandatory training today."

He laid back on the bed with a sigh. He'd forgotten about that... This meant that Lieutenant Havoc wouldn't be available either since they both had the training... "Alright. That's not a problem, lieutenant. I'll just drive myself."

There was another long pause before she said cautiously, "Sir... I'm sure I can find someone to drive you..."

He sat up and ran a hand through his hair. "No, don't worry about it. I'm only a couple of blocks from the military garage, I'll just walk up there. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

"It wasn't _you_ I was thinking about..." Hawkeye muttered, and Roy scowled. He knew he wasn't the best driver in the world, but she didn't have to be so blunt about it...

After hanging up the phone, Roy quickly shaved, combed his hair, and threw on his uniform. He turned to grab his coat and paused when he saw it wasn't on the floor where he'd dumped it. Blinking, Roy cautiously walked to the closet and looked inside to see it hanging neatly on a hanger.

He stared at it for a moment. He vividly remembered dumping it on the floor... Which meant that... He took it off the hanger and stared at it in his arms. Ed must have hung it up... Why would he do that? Why...? Roy frowned and slipped the coat on. It was the kind of gesture that wasn't made by someone preparing to break things off... He moved to leave his room, then stopped and rested his forehead against the wall before letting out a heavy sigh. He still needed to deal with the mess he'd created with Ed...

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to think. His mind felt slightly clearer now that he was dressed and had been able to let go of the intensity of the moment, but that only served to make him feel like shit... worst than shit... The fact that Ed had been crying loud enough for Roy to hear him this whole time made him feel that much worse, though now the teen seemed to be calming and Roy could only hear an occasional noise from downstairs.

Opening his eyes, Roy pulled out his pocket watch and glanced at it. He shook his head. This wasn't something he could deal with now. He needed to go, but he didn't want to leave this hanging. Either they were going to break up or they were going to talk things over and make it work, but Roy wasn't sure which one was surer.

If he left without them settling it, Ed could take off to parts unknown before Roy could do anything about it. This meant that he would have to keep Ed around until they had a chance to discuss it.

Taking a deep breath, Roy retrieved the toilet paper he'd given Ed earlier and started downstairs. When he made it to the bottom of the stairs, he saw Ed standing in the same spot with his automail hand covering his face, the other one hanging at his side. The teen's lithe and compact body seemed tight and drawn in as small sniffs and an occasional shutter coursed through him. Seeing this only made Roy have to work harder to keep from comforting him. Now wasn't the time. There would be time later, but not now.

"That was Hakuro on the phone. He apparently doesn't care that I'm sick," Roy said, trying to make his voice all business, and slapped the roll of toilet paper against Ed's chest. "I need to go down and meet with Colonel Wolfe at South Central Head Quarters and you're coming with me, so stop your whining and clean your face."

He turned and walked to the table where he grabbed the coffee, took one last drink, then dumped it in the sink.

"We'll need to walk over to the military garage and get a car," he said and turned around to grab the mostly whole muffin to put it in a container for later. Glancing to his other side, Roy saw the milk still sitting on the counter and felt irritation bubble up in him again. "And drink the damn milk," he added, walking out of the kitchen.

After a minute, he heard Ed walk up behind him. "Roy," Ed said, his voice soft and hesitant. "You're not really going to break up with me, right?"

Roy squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block out the thought that perhaps he'd made a mistake. Somewhere in his thinking he'd made a mistake and now he'd totally screwed up what he and Ed had... Trying to pull himself together, Roy finished buttoning up his coat and turned around. He frowned when he saw that Ed still hadn't wiped his face. Snatching the toilet paper roll, he grabbed Ed's chin and tipped his face up before cleaning him up, making Ed grunt as he roughly dried the wetness from his eyes and cheeks.

His fingers tingled at the contact with Ed's skin and he quickly let go and turned to open the door. This wasn't the time... After the meeting with Wolfe, then they'd talk... "Hurry up, Fullmetal. I'm supposed to be in South Central in twenty minutes, and we still need to go pick up the car."

"Roy!" Ed cried angrily and slammed the door shut. "Talk to me!" Roy could hear him sniffling as he followed behind. "You can't shut me out!"

Roy stepped up his pace. He wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible so that he and Ed could talk. Despite this, he was nervous about it too. It seemed that he might have made a big mistake, and if that were so, then Roy might have to swallow his pride and ask for forgiveness if he wanted to make things right with Ed.

"Apparently Havoc and Hawkeye are unavailable to drive us," Roy commented neutrally.

"Roy!" Ed yelled and pulled on his arm. Roy twisted his arm around so that he was holding Ed's arm instead of the other way around. Picking up his pace, Roy began pulling Ed along. "Fuck, Roy, slow down, and answer me for fuck's sake!"

Ignoring Ed's plea, Roy continued on until they reached the military garage, then stopped and opened the door. Letting go of Ed, Roy swiftly walked toward the car that had been assigned to their unit.

"What exactly is it that you want me to answer?" he asked quickly while signing the car out and getting the key.

"I wanna know about us, I wanna hear that we're not breaking up. What the fuck else is there!"

'_I wanna hear that we're not breaking up.' _Ed's words rang loudly through Roy's head and he felt sick to his stomach. Roy didn't make mistakes often, he was much too careful, but this time... Deciding not to answer Ed right now, Roy got in, put on his seatbelt, and started the car. "Get in," he said and shut the door. After his conference with Colonel Wolfe they'd talk. He didn't see it being a pleasant talk either...

He glanced to where Ed was standing, and saw the teen glaring at him through the windshield, then stalked to the other side of the car, got in, and slammed the door closed. "And?" Ed demanded, settling himself into the seat so that he's sitting sideways, facing Roy.

Roy turned on the car and put it into gear. "And put on your seatbelt," he said. Roy pushed on the gas and suddenly the car moved backward a couple of inches. Cursing under his breath, Roy put the car in the right gear and it started forward.

"Stop stalling and tell me the god damn truth!" Ed yelled. "Tell me you don't have feelings for me, huh! I know you've never fucking said that you love me! You're just looking for some easy ass, that you can treat however the fuck you like, without having to think about my feelings or emotions. I'm sure you've been all over town the whole time, fucking and screwing anything you could, haven't you!"

Roy frowned and felt anger wash over him. He'd never once cheated on Ed, but it seemed that Ed seemed to always throw that at him when it suited him, like when they'd been out on New Year's Eve. He'd cheated on some, most, of his previous lovers, but never on Ed, and to be accused of doing so yet again really pissed him off.

"I can't believe I ever THOUGHT that I had strong emotions for you, you fucking bastard!" Ed's voice was getting louder and louder. "And you tried to use Al against me! How the hell could you do that to me? To ME!" Guilt mingled together with Roy's anger. He supposed he deserved that, but... "You know how fucking hard I've worked to right that mistake, and you casually throw it in my face! I should pound you for being the heartless bastard that you are!"

Roy drove the car out onto the road, trying to ignore all the bouncing around Ed was doing, and growled, "That's right, Ed. I've never had feelings for you, I just wanted sex. That's why I've kept you around all this time. Because we both know how _difficult_ it is for me to find someone to fuck. Very _brilliant_ deduction on your part. It just makes perfect sense that I would keep _you _of all people as a fuck-pet while I went out and screwed the rest of the town."

Roy felt himself losing control of his emotions, and he desperately tried to regain control, but he couldn't. Shaking his head, Roy pulled the car sharply to the left to avoid a dip in the road. He felt so angry at both himself and Ed. He also felt guilty for what he'd said before, and even though he knew Ed had a right to be angry, he couldn't help feeling hurt at Ed's words.

"Good job," Roy continued, his voice hard, angry, and full of sarcasm. "You're so brilliant, Ed. Now I see how you passed the state alchemist exam." He shook his head and swerved to miss a pothole. He didn't want to hurt... that's what he'd been trying to avoid. He'd promised himself he'd never let it get to that point again. _Never _again... Feeling threatened and trying to protect himself once again with anger and harsh words, he said, "But at least you've finally voiced the truth about you wanting to end this."

A small voice inside of him screamed at him, asking him why the hell he was doing this again when he knew Ed didn't want to end it, but he ignored it. "As for your brother," Roy said, then slammed on the breaks when he got to a stoplight, causing Ed to slide off his seat. "You're doing a fabulous job at telling yourself things to make you feel better. Keep going. Tell yourself what a bastard I am." _Because I am..._ "And how, of course, Alphonse would never stay away from you. He's just too busy to talk to you. Of course, being too busy for your own brother makes a whole lot of sense to me too," Roy said, his voice wild and out of control, then slammed on the gas when the light turned green. He swerved to miss hitting a pedestrian. "But go ahead. Hit me. Pound me for being a heartless bastard, because like you said, you have control over yourself."

"Fuck!" Ed yelled. "Watch what you're doing!" Out of the corner of his eye he saw Ed turn around in his seat.

Roy's fingers clutched the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were turning white, then turned his head, taking his attention from the road, and looked directly at Ed who was looking at him. "And, Ed..." Roy said very coldly, with more of his earlier calm. Ed turned back to face him. "Don't fault me for never saying something you've never said to me."

Ed frowned, then glanced away a little. Suddenly, Ed's eyes widened and it suddenly dawned on Roy that right now he was _driving_. His head snapped forward and saw that he was in oncoming traffic. Panicking now, Roy slammed on the breaks and turned the steering wheel hard, but it was too late. They hit one of the oncoming cars head on. It slammed into the front passenger side, but instead of stopping, their car rolled once... twice... Roy cried out when he felt a sharp pain in his arm, side, knee, and head, then another car slammed into them.

After the loud noises associated with the crash, it was eerily quite. Roy moved in his seat and gritted his teeth at the intense pain in his arm, wrist, and knee. He grabbed a hold of his arm and squeezed his eyes shut for a second, then glanced to see a large bump in the skin on his arm where the bone must have broken and was now sticking up. Trying to ignore it for now, he moved his gaze to where Ed was sitting.

Ed's head was lowered and a large amount of blood was flowing through his hair, dripping off the strands forming a small pool in his lap. Roy blinked, trying to force coherent thought into his mind. Ed must have a head wound somewhere. That would make sense since head wounds bleed a lot... Roy moved his gaze down and winced as he took in Ed's left side. A part of the door had broken off and impaled the teen from his back and it came out just above his hipbone.

"Ed..." Roy croaked, feeling shocked and horrified at amount of bloody innards that had been torn from Ed's body. He'd seen blood and gore plenty of times in the war, but this was _Ed_... this was... _his_ Ed... Ed's head shifted at the sound of Roy's voice. A groan, then a gasp sounded from Ed when he moved. Roy could hear people outside the car now, some of them were yelling for a doctor, some were just yelling to know what was going on. Help would come soon...

Roy began to move toward Ed, then stopped when he realized he was being restrained. He looked down and felt something trickle lightly down his cheek. Reaching up he swiped at it and hissed at the stinging. Bringing his arm back he saw blood and bits of glass... Ignoring it for now since it wasn't anything serious, Roy glanced down again and focused on the seatbelt. He blinked at it before reaching down with his uninjured arm and undoing it. As he started again to move toward Ed, he felt a sharp pain in his arm and knee, and winced painfully, but still continued moving.

He searched Ed with his eyes for any more visible injuries, but he couldn't seem to concentrate. He wanted to help, but knew there was nothing he could do for Ed's stomach wound. He was a soldier, not a doctor... but he could help somewhat with the head wound...

Gritting his teeth, Roy pulled off his over coat, wincing when it pulled on his injured arm, and laid it over Ed's knees to keep him warm, then, more gently this time, took off his military jacket. He ripped off the sleeve and moaned at the intense pain that shot through his wrist and arm before leaning over, and, gritting his teeth against the agony, started to wrap it around Ed's head.

"Ed... you have to stay awake, okay?" he said, then tied the makeshift bandage over the wound. Ed's eyes fluttered closed and he tried to move his head away, but Roy tightened his grip on Ed's head, forcing it to stay still.

"Edward!" Roy growled out through his own pain, he couldn't let Ed die... "Recite the basic rules of alchemy to me!" He patted Ed on the cheek, trying to keep the teen awake. Ed gasped for air, as if he was trying to find the breath to speak.

"Ugh...um..." Ed moaned, then swallowed before giving his right hand a confused look. "Um..." His mouth turned into a frown, but nothing else came out.

Roy gave him a worried look after finishing with the bandage, then grabbed Ed's head and started petting his hair with one hand. "Just look at me, then," Roy pleaded. "Look into my eyes and stay awake, okay? Help will be here soon," he murmured.

Ed blinked and stared at him with an unfocused gaze; eyes dilated unevenly. He started to shake and what little color Ed had, drained from his face. "R-r-roy...?"

He continued to stroke Ed's hair, then kissed him on the forehead before pulling back again and looking into Ed's eyes. "That's right. I'm here, Ed," he said, trying to reassure him. "Now just stay awake..." He just couldn't let Ed die... not only because he cared, but because they had so much between them that they needed to settle.

"Wha-w-what...?" Ed looked down at the twisted metal coming out of his stomach and his left hand moved to touch it.

Roy moved his own hand up and caught Ed's, then winced again at the shooting pain. "Don't touch it. It will bleed more if we pull it out, and I'm not a doctor..." He slowly tipped Ed's head up by grabbing Ed's chin gently, then kissed Ed's forehead again. "Stay with me..." he whispered desperately, then gave Ed's forehead another kiss. "Stay awake..."

Ed blinked, his body shaking, and looked up at Roy vaguely. "Roy...you w-want me?"

Tears gathered in his eyes and he tried to blink them away. This was all his fault... "Yes, Ed. I want you," Roy whispered. "I've always wanted you...I..." He sniffled, trying to hold himself together. Now wasn't the time... "Just stay awake," he said and patted Ed's cheek softly.

"You're n-n-not mad?" Ed panted. He swallowed and licked his lips, swiping at some of the blood that had trickled there from the blood-saturated bandage.

Roy gently moved Ed's hand down, then wiped at the blood on Ed's face with the sleeve of his work shirt. "I'm not mad," he answered in a shaking voice. "So just stay awake."

"Good..." Ed whispered and closed his eyes.

"Ed..." Roy said, fear welling up within him. He patted Ed's face but got no response. "Edward!" he yelled, but it was no good. He smacked Ed's face a little harder, trying to wake him, then the teen became blurry in his vision as the tears finally came. He blinked and they spilled out. He could feel them run down his cheeks, but he paid them no mind. If Ed died, he'd never forgive himself...

Never.

* * *

Please note that all of Ed's dialogue belongs to Kikiko. Please check my profile for Ed's POV by Kikiko.


	7. Wounded

**The More I Learn to Care For You—Roy's POV**

**Chapter Seven**

**Wounded**

He hadn't noticed the medics. Not when they opened the car, not when they tried to talk to him. He couldn't see them through his tears, couldn't hear them through his pleading for Ed to wake up. His body was so cold, so numb, that he didn't feel the hands touch him and when they started to gently pull him away and out of the car, Roy weakly fought them.

It was no use.

They won, in the end, and all he could do was watch in dismay from where they'd sat him as they worked to extract Ed from the wreckage with some sort of saw. His body trembled and every breath seemed to come with less air than he needed.

Someone was speaking to him, but he didn't listen. He couldn't. All he could do was hope with everything that he had that his stupidity hadn't cost him the ultimate price. Someone stood in front of him and started speaking, but Roy absently pushed himself up with one leg and looked past the person; unable to take his eyes off of Ed.

The person moved out of his line of sight and a moment later a blanket was placed gently over his shoulders. Someone was speaking to him again, something about him needed to sit and about shock, but it was faint.

Ed.

He had to be with Ed.

He had to make sure that Ed would be alright...

Tears welled up in his eyes and he whispered, "This is all my fault..."

"Sir," the voice said again and he felt someone try to lead him away. "Come with me. You need to be treated."

Roy shook his head and when he blinked, the tears that had gathered in his eyes escaped and trickled down his chilly cheeks. "I can't," he gasped, not able to get enough air to speak. "I have to make sure..."

"We're taking care of him. Please, come with me. You've sustained some major injuries as well and you're in shock. We need to treat you." There was a pause, then a shouted, "Johnny, grab David and get a stretcher over here." It meant something, Roy was sure, but it meant nothing to him.

Suddenly, the saw stopped and there were shouts for morphine because Ed was awake. Roy tried to stand, tried to go to him, but was pushed back into place; the same voice telling him that they were bringing a stretcher for him and that his subordinate would be okay.

Roy shook his head vaguely as he watched the other medics with Ed. The teen was starting to shout now, and Roy tried to get up again but he cried out as a sharp pain flared in his knee and spread through his leg. More tears came, though not from the pain. No, the pain was nothing. It was for Ed, and because he couldn't get to him. He'd done this, and now he couldn't even try to help...

"Just a small prick, now," he heard before a small pain bit at his uninjured arm. Roy looked over in time to see a needle being pulled out, then he felt hands grab him and move him to lie on something.

"Ed..." Roy whispered before something was placed over his nose and mouth, supplying him with more air. He closed his eyes and felt warm liquid run down his face from his eyes as he begged silently for Ed to be okay.

* * *

Roy opened his eyes and stared up through the darkness at the ceiling. The first thing he noticed was that he was warm—hot, in fact, as if someone had put a whole bundle of blankets on him.

The next thing he noticed was something strapped over his nose and mouth. Some sort of oxygen mask? He tried to lift a hand, planning to take it off, but his left arm wouldn't move, and his right seemed heavy...

He blinked as he realized that he did indeed have several blankets on him. That explained it... but... He looked around again. Where was Ed? Was he alright? Fear pricked at his heart, and panic started to set in. He had to know. He had to find out.

Slowly, Roy started moving his right arm up in an effort to get out of bed, when the door opened and the room was flooded with light from the hall. A woman, a nurse by the look of her uniform, walked in and messed with a few of the wires and tubes before looking down at him. She jumped slightly in surprise when she realized he was awake.

Pressing a hand to her chest, the nurse took a deep breath to calm herself before saying, "You scared the livin' daylights outta me, you know that?" Roy shrugged a little to show that he hadn't meant to. She shook her head, reached over, and took the oxygen mask off. "How ya feelin', honey?" she asked with a slight country accent.

"Dunno," he answered weakly, letting the accent of his youth show through a little. "Why don't you feel me an' find out?" To this she merely laughed and asked him what part of the East he'd grown up in.

The woman, Sariah Terihorn, was pleasant enough as she relieved him of a few of the blankets and checked his vitals. She'd also gotten him water for which he couldn't have been more grateful for.

He quickly learned that he'd come away from the accident with a broken arm, a dislocated knee, and some cuts and bruises. He'd broken his arm near the elbow joint, and shattered the bone in his wrist. Apparently, he'd need surgery on it, but it wasn't anything that would keep him in the hospital any longer than his other injuries.

Unfortunately, each time he asked about Ed, the nurse quickly changed the subject, telling him 'not to worry his purdy little head about it'. Finally, Roy reached over with his good hand and held her arm. He gazed steadily into her eyes and whispered, "Please... I have to know... Please understand..."

He swallowed, not sure how to make her see that he couldn't go on without at least knowing. Not taking her eyes from his, she reached over and put her hand over the one he'd used to grab her with.

"Alright," she said finally. "I don't know much, but I know they got that boy into surgery as soon as he got here. That was yesterday. I know he's been in a couple times, but... I'm sorry, I just don't know more."

He felt tired and exhausted, but he used what strength he had to squeeze her arm. "Find out for me, please... I can't live not knowing." That last part just slipped out. He hadn't meant to say it, he didn't want her to know how desperate he was, but it was true. He needed to know. All he could think of was that Ed was dead, or alive but in a state that he'd never fully recover...

For a moment she simply looked at him, then her expression softened. "I see," she said quietly and gave him a small smile. "I understand. I'll do what I can for you."

Roy slowly let go of her arm, and she placed it on the bed. With her assurances, Roy closed his eyes and let himself drift back to sleep.

* * *

Roy's first few days after the accident were spent mostly sleeping or being examined by doctors. He'd gone into surgery for his wrist and though they were sure it would heal up alright, the doctors said that he'd probably have problems with it for the rest of his life.

For now his left arm was in a cast, and his left knee had a brace around it. He would have to use a crutch while it healed, but only time would tell if it would heal properly or if he'd need some sort of corrective surgery for that as well.

The small cuts on his forehead were healing up nicely, but they were still a little tender. He'd been lucky that he hadn't sustained any major injuries to his head. Although his injuries were bad, it was the affects of going into shock that had kept him in the hospital for so long.

He'd had visitors, of course. His crew had come, both to offer condolences and to try cheering him up. He'd had a half-hearted scolding from Hawkeye, but he could tell she was more worried than angry.

And then, of course, there was Ed.

Nurse Terihorn was kind enough to bring him information about Ed as she could get it, but it hadn't satisfied him so when he'd gotten the brace on his knee and the crutch, Roy had gotten out of bed and wandered down to the intensive care unit Ed was being held in for the moment.

He'd looked so frail and helpless there that Roy couldn't help getting tears in his eyes. Guilt had plagued him since he'd woken in the hospital about the things he'd said to Ed. He just wanted him to be okay. Even if they didn't stay together, he at least wanted Ed to live.

Roy hadn't been able to stay long because he'd been kicked out when someone noticed he was there—both because there were no visitors in this area of the hospital and also because Roy wasn't supposed to be out of bed.

It hadn't stopped him from visiting more than once, and each time he'd been sent away, but at least he'd been able to see him. Despite the fact that Ed looked pale and weak, despite the fact that it hurt to see him like that, it was better to see, better to know. The last time he'd come, however, Ed had been gone. They'd explained that he was out of the critical phase and that they'd moved him to a different ward.

He'd meant to ask Nurse Terihorn where they'd moved Ed when she came in for her shift, but she'd called in sick that night, and the next day, Roy had been released from the hospital.

With his crutch and painkillers in hand, Roy was led away by Riza Hawkeye and taken home. In a way, it was nice to be back in his own space, but mostly it wasn't. There were too many bad memories that clawed at him when he walked in the door. Scenes from that horrible morning crashed against him and he couldn't stop the tears from running silently down his cheeks.

It had hurt to remember Ed's voice and his tears, and it stung his heart when he saw the empty glass on the counter. It hurt because Ed had drunk it, even though he hated it, and Roy hadn't even noticed. He'd drunk it to please the one he cared about, as if it would calm the rage and silence the hateful words.

He felt like a complete failure. He'd really wanted what he and Ed had to last. He'd never felt for anyone else, the way he felt for Ed and he'd tried, _really_ tried to keep himself from treating Ed the way he'd treated his previous lovers.

For months Roy had worked to keep quiet when he was angry or walk away from the situation before he said something he'd regret. He'd done it too, and managed to make this relationship into the longest he'd ever had.

A relationship that was at an end.

That first night back home he'd dreamt of Ed. He'd dreamt of the good times like when they were first dating, or their first time together. He'd dreamt of the holidays and he'd dreamt of their New Year's Eve date. They were good dreams, but when he woke he'd realized that that was all they were.

Dreams.

Ed was no longer here, injured because of his stupidity. He was alone, and maybe that was for the best. People like him probably didn't deserve to be with someone, especially someone like Ed.

* * *

"Well, it's good to see that you're still around."

Roy frowned but didn't say anything. General Hakuro sounded anything but pleased, and Roy thought that perhaps the man would have been content to have Roy die in the accident.

The general shuffled some papers on his desk before looking up at Roy again. "I've received all the documents from the hospital concerning your condition. The doctors recommend that you be on work release for six to ten weeks."

Roy nodded. He'd been told that too, though they'd made a point to say that ten would be better than six, and if he could get twelve off it would be best.

Hakuro cleared his throat before saying, "I'll give you six weeks off, starting from the first day you missed last week, so I expect you back here in five weeks." Roy had to keep himself from scowling. "Also, that will be time off without pay."

"What?" Roy exclaimed. "I have sick leave that I haven't used!"

A small smile played on his commanding officer's face, and he said smoothly, "Your medical leave will be frozen until after this is over. You need to understand that you can't take the military's property and be so reckless with it."

Roy pressed his lips together and said more calmly than he felt, "I was sick. I told you that on the phone."

Hakuro gave an exaggerated shrug before saying, "You had a job to do, colonel. That isn't a very valid excuse." Roy breathed in deeply, ready to speak again, when the general continued. "When you return, your check will be garnished to replace the vehicle you so carelessly destroyed."

This time Roy didn't even bother to argue. It was obvious Hakuro was using this situation to prolong his suffering. The man didn't like him, so he supposed this was to be expected. He'd suffer for a while, but it wasn't as bad as it could be. He had enough savings to cover his expenses for the next few weeks at least...

"Is there anything else, sir?" Roy asked tightly. His body felt ridged and he could feel little prickles of sweat on his skin.

"Yes." More shuffling of papers. "Your military driver's license is being revoked. You'll need to recertify with the vehicles stated on the license. Please leave that on my desk before you go," he said in a business-like manner.

Instead of waiting, Roy dug his wallet out of the brown slacks he was wearing and fished the military license out of his wallet.

"I also have a letter here from Central's Driver's License Division. They have requested that your civilian license be revoked as well. You should be receiving a letter in the mail from them soon." Roy pulled his other license out and flipped it onto the desk next to the military one.

Roy raised an eyebrow and gave the general a questioning look, wondering if that was all. "Also," Hakuro continued, and Roy sighed. Of course, there would be more... "Upon your return from leave, a non-judicial punishment hearing will be conducted to determine whether further penalty is needed. You have the right to appeal in writing if you wish. Appeals will need to be made within five days of today."

Roy felt his heart drop a little. Hakuro was going for the kill on this one... Not that any further reprimand from the military would be too horrible to bear. He wouldn't be put to death or kicked out of the military, it would all just be frustratingly inconvenient. No, his worst punishment about the whole situation had nothing to do with the military. It had to do with Ed.

"I'll remember that, sir," Roy said, though he had no plans on submitting an appeal. It wouldn't go through. He had too many enemies in the ranks.

He sat there silently waiting for more. After a few minutes of cleaning up the paperwork on his desk, Hakuro said casually, "You may leave now."

Painfully, Roy got up and started slowly toward the door. He was tired and in pain. What he really needed to do was go home, take some pain killers, and sleep, but he wouldn't quite yet. He still had one more thing to do before he went home.

* * *

When Roy reached the nurses' station, he leaned heavily against the counter. He'd stopped at the flower shop on his way, buying a single red rose in a vase, and carried the vase in between his body and his cast. Now he set it on the counter to alleviate some pressure while he waited. His knee ached and he was almost out of breath from the exertion. His armpit throbbed from the crutch and he thought that those pain killers sounded very nice at the moment.

The nurse on duty was on the phone giving Roy a chance to look around while he waited. He hadn't known initially where they'd taken Ed, and had needed to inquire about it. When he found out they'd sent him here and Roy almost felt amused.

Almost.

If it were a different situation, perhaps he would, but right now...

An older man with graying hair walked around the corner. A white doctor's jacket hung off of his ample body. Clearing his throat, Roy said, "Excuse me."

Looking up, the doctor said, "Yes?"

"I'm looking for a 'Doctor Maple'..." Roy left the rest open for the man to respond.

"Ah, yes. That would be me," the jolly looking man said lightly and walked over to Roy. "What can I do for you?"

"My name is Colonel Roy Mustang and I'm looking for Edward Elric's room."

The man frowned unhappily, and Roy could almost see the man processing the information. "Mustang?" Roy nodded, and Doctor Maple's frown deepened. "Aren't you the one who was driving in that accident?"

Again, Roy nodded, feeling unhappy about this man already knowing about him. The older man took a deep breath before pointing to a door and saying, "He's in there, but it's a communal room. All the rooms in this ward are."

"May I ask _why_ he was put in the children's ward?" Roy asked curiously.

"He's seventeen," Doctor Maple said simply.

"And a half," Roy said automatically.

"Yes, but he's still under age, so he is in this ward."

"Edward Elric is a State Alchemist, and a major in the military. He should have his own room," Roy argued irritably.

"Colonel Mustang," Doctor Maple said as if talking to a child. "I do agree that, as a military officer, Edward should have his own room, and we do often put teenagers older than fourteen in their own rooms; however, with the hospital in West Central closed for repairs and remodeling, this has left the other hospitals in Central to work in extra patients. We're short on individual rooms, so anyone under eighteen must come to the children's ward. No exceptions. It's unfair, but that's life."

Roy pressed his lips together, trying to think of a loophole to get Ed his own room. Unfortunately, there wasn't one. Finally, he nodded and said, "Alright, I'd like to see him, maybe talk with him..."

"He still hasn't regained consciousness," the doctor said.

"Is he..." Roy couldn't finish, too worried about what could be.

"I believe he'll be fine," Doctor Maple said assuredly. "He has a high grade fever and a concussion, as well as a nearly fatal wound to his torso, but he has spirit, that one. Anyone who can live through that type of trauma must be very strong."

"I still want to see him," Roy pressed. It wasn't enough to know Ed would be fine. He needed to see him for himself.

The older man studied him for a moment before pointing to a door. "He's in there. Right now it's quiet time so many of the children are in there as well. Please be mindful of them."

Roy nodded, then said, "One last thing, doctor. I'm Fullmetal's commanding officer. I'm going to need copies of all documents the hospital has on him. I will also require regular updates on his status."

Doctor Maple frowned. "I'll do what I can, but I'm a busy man. Periodic updates are more..."

Roy cut him off. "_Regular_ updates, doctor," Roy pressed. When the man said nothing else, Roy grabbed the vase, turned, and started for the door indicated. Opening it, he took a step in and stopped as he took in the long room before him.

Twenty beds lined each wall, some with curtains to partition them off; others open so that the occupants, what few occupants there were, could interact with others in the room. Each wall had several large windows that added to the brightness of the room, giving it a more 'cheery' feel, if that were possible.

The few children in the room were staring at him in a way that made him feel a little uncomfortable, but he shrugged it off and started down the wide 'hallway' between the ends of the beds.

Ed wasn't in any of the non-partitioned beds, which meant he must be in one of the beds near the back of the room. Just his luck, he thought a little miserably. As he continued, he noticed that each bed, metal frame things painted white, had a bedside table near them, and thankfully, a chair by that.

Roy tried to ignore the gawking of the children, but he couldn't help himself looking at each one as he passed them. Most simply watched him, but there was one, a little dark-haired girl with her arm in a sling who smiled shyly up at him and waved her good hand at him. He didn't really feel like responding, but he couldn't help giving her a small smile and nodded his head in return. Her plump cheeks darkened with a blush and she buried her head bashfully in a black teddy bear.

His small smile widened a little at her cute gesture and he let himself be amused by it until he got to Ed's bed. Moving around the partition, Roy's smile faded and he swallowed a lump in his throat. Ed was lying on his side, and he didn't look all that well to him... Roy moved over and set the vase down on the small table before pulling the chair away and sitting by Ed's bed.

Ed's face, so peaceful looking in his sleep, was slightly pale where it wasn't flushed due to the fever. Ed's golden-blond hair was splayed out over the pillow and Roy couldn't help reaching up and gently moving a few strands away from Ed's face. His hand paused there, then moved to softly caress Ed's face.

The skin was hot to the touch and Roy's mouth turned down in a slight frown. Hadn't they said that he was out of danger now? If so, then why did he have such a high fever? He made a mental note to ask about that before moving his hand down to where Ed's hand was.

Carefully, Roy picked it up and kissed it softly, avoiding the IV that was piercing Ed's hand. "I'm sorry," he whispered against Ed's hot skin. "I'm..." His voice broke slightly and he had to blink away the sudden tears. "I'm so sorry..." he breathed.

He kissed each of Ed's fingertips, then rested his cheek on the hand. This wasn't right. Ed being here like this just wasn't right. Lifting his head, Roy stared at Ed again, thinking of the first time he'd ever laid eyes on Ed. It had been a cold, rainy night and Ed had been knocked out then as well.

Roy had been amazed at the young boy in the bed—someone who could perform human transmutation and actually _live_ though it. Of course he hadn't known what a little shit the kid was given that he'd looked so damn innocent, but...

But.

But now...

Roy shook his head and patted Ed's hand. "You'll be fine," he said weakly. "That's what the doctors say." He paused, getting control of his emotions before continuing. "You _will_ be fine. I'm not going to have my last memories of you be like this, do you hear me?"

No answer, but then he hadn't expected one either.

Leaning over, Roy gently traced his finger along the smooth edges of Ed's face. "I had a meeting with Hakuro today." He paused. He didn't want to tell Ed what was going on, even if he was asleep. "It seems that I'm going to need to take more driving classes. That's probably a good thing, right?"

Roy closed his eyes for a moment. He was so exhausted. All this moving around had really worn him out, and he still needed to walk home. Maybe he'd call a cab.

"I noticed," Roy said, opening his eyes. "I noticed you drank the milk." Tears pricked at his eyes, but they were small and he was able to blink them quickly away. "Thank you..." he whispered. "You really are too good to me... too good for me. You care far too much about me..."

Roy sat watching over Ed for a long time before standing wearily. He wondered vaguely if he'd have the energy to get home. Bending over, Roy softly pressed his lips against Ed's before pressing his cheek against Ed's. "I know it's late, but there's the kiss you wanted... I should have given it to you before." With the promise of coming back tomorrow, Roy straightened and hobbled tiredly from the room.

* * *

The two weeks following Roy being released from the hospital went quickly. The days were filled with visiting Ed, doctor appointments, pain, and drugged-up sleep. It wasn't much, in fact it, was more than what he wanted. If he wasn't with Ed then he didn't want to be awake at all which led to him drinking alcohol with his medication.

His doctor had been livid when he'd found out.

Of course, the doctor wouldn't have yelled at him if Hawkeye hadn't found out first and ratted him out. The woman had taken it upon herself to take care of him when she'd found him passed out on his living room floor—a bottle of pain medication and alcohol lying next to him.

He didn't see why she'd been so upset. He'd meant to sleep there...really.

So now he had to deal with Riza coming to his place every day to check on him. She'd started bringing him meals when she noticed him losing weight and even stayed sometimes to make sure he ate. She also relieved him of his alcohol, which he supposed was a good thing. After all, if he hadn't had gotten drunk that night, then this whole thing with Ed might not have happened...

Yeah, he was better without the alcohol.

He'd gotten a scathing lecture about taking care of himself and how he wasn't helping anyone by wallowing in his self pity. It hadn't been what he wanted to hear, but it had been what he needed to hear.

She'd also started giving him rides to the hospital to visit Ed. Hawkeye had been upset when she'd learned that he wasn't able to use his paid sick leave. He hadn't meant to tell her, but the woman had pried it out of him. So, she was determined to use the military car to drive him wherever he needed to go.

He visited Ed every day. No matter how shitty he felt, he was there. At first, Roy had only been able to handle short visits, much to the hospital staff's relief. When he was there, Roy badgered them incessantly about Ed's treatment.

Doctor Maple had finally told him that calling more than once a day to get information was a little too much. Once a day should suffice and if there were any major changes in Ed's condition, Roy would be the first to know.

It didn't stop him from worrying.

Ed was always on his mind. He was always there. When he went into the kitchen, Ed was there sitting on his counter and eating his food. When he went into the living room, Ed was on his couch reading some book. When he went into the bathroom, Ed was in there taking a shower or brushing his hair. When he went into the bedroom, Ed was on his bed and giving him that inviting look...

He agonized over Ed. He _wanted _Ed...wanted to hold him and kiss him and beg his forgiveness. And he did. In his dreams he did hold him, and at the hospital he told him how sorry he was, but it wasn't nearly adequate enough.

He also knew that he was no good for Ed, and he agonized over that too. He didn't want to let Ed go. He couldn't handle thinking of Ed with someone else; yet, it was selfish of him to try to hold onto him.

Ed deserved someone better than him. Plain and simple.

This mistake had opened his eyes and made him realize many things about himself. See himself in a whole different light, and perhaps changes would come... But the cost for this was almost too much to bear. He was already feeling the impact from this and he was sure that he wasn't done paying yet.

* * *

Roy limped into the children's ward to see one of the nurses kneeling down and talking with a couple little children—a small boy and girl. The boy simply glanced at him, but the girl's eyes widened and she moved to hide behind the nurse's legs before shyly waving at him.

The nurse looked up and when she saw him, she shook her head before telling the children to go into one of the other rooms. The little girl tried to hide behind her teddy bear as she walked but didn't take her eyes off of him until she was out of the hall.

Standing, the nurse said, "I think you have a fan."

Roy shrugged, "I just happen to have that affect on women."

To this the nurse rolled her eyes and smirked before saying, "I have some news..."

She was cut off when Doctor Maple walked quickly out into the hallway and said, "Nurse Hunter, I need your assistance for a moment."

Instead of finishing what she'd been about to say, she simply hurried after him. Roy frowned irritably before heading towards the communal room Ed was in. He hadn't even gotten a chance to ask any questions. Well, that could wait until after he visited Ed, he supposed.

Opening the door, Roy headed toward Ed's bed and sat down. He let his eyes run over Ed's face for a few moments before resting his elbow on his knee and putting his face in his hand.

He was so tired... Recently, he'd started taking less of the medication to prepare himself for the inevitable return to work. The drugs made him tired, so he needed to learn how to deal with the pain without them.

"Hey...you look like shit," a scratchy and rough voice said.

To this, Roy's head shot up in surprise.

Ed was awake!

His heart jumped in his chest with both happiness and panic. If Ed was awake that meant he was that much further in his recovery. This was definitely good, but they could have told him! They could have warned him!

Perhaps that's what the nurse had been about to say. But what now? Roy had planned on simply staying away once Ed woke. Maybe it was cowardly of him, but he didn't know if he could face Ed like this.

He swallowed and looked away for a moment, not able to meet Ed's eyes, before forcing himself to look back. "Yeah... I guess I do," he said quietly. He could only force himself to look at Ed so long before he let his gaze shift away. He felt so much shame and he was afraid. What would Ed say to him? Roy knew he deserved no sympathy or kindness from him...

Finally he forced himself to look back. He should at least say _something..._ "How long have you been awake?" he asked, then cringed inside. Wouldn't inquiring about Ed's welfare be a much better question? Probably, but he wasn't sure how to phrase it.

Ed cleared his throat. "Um...like an hour? I don't know, my pocket watch ain't here." That was followed by a small laugh. "I got in trouble... I guess you're not supposed to get outta bed when you're messed up, go figure."

At that, Roy felt a feeling of fondness. Only Ed would get himself into trouble so soon. Roy nodded slowly, looked down at Ed's blanket, and said automatically, "I should have warned the nurses that you were a handful..." Roy shut his mouth to prevent himself from saying more. That wasn't the type of thing you said to someone in Ed's situation, but the bantering was so ingrained in him that he hadn't been able to help it.

"I was told what happened... I don't remember it..." There was a pause, and Roy wondered just how much Ed didn't remember. Wouldn't it be great if he couldn't remember the fight too? Of course it would, but Roy was sure he wasn't that lucky. But if Ed _did_ remember the fight, why then was he not yelling at him? "It sounded awful," Ed continued, then paused again before asking, "Are you alright?"

Roy glanced up at Ed and felt guilt run through him even more strongly than before. _Ed_ was asking _him_ if he was alright... "Yeah..." he lied softly. "Of course, I'm fine." He paused thinking that it would be really bastardly of him not to ask how Ed was doing. He cast his mind around for something that would work, then finally settled on, "And you?" He shook his head. It just sounded so lame and inadequate. "I mean, obviously you're not alright," he said quickly. "But..." Roy trailed off, unable to finish, and looked down.

"I've had worse," Ed replied. "What'd they do with my arm?" he asked. "Seems stupid to take it off."

Roy rubbed his face then ran his fingers through his hair. "It was damaged in the accident. You'll have to get the Rockbell girl to fix it for you."

"Well, fuck," he heard Ed say. "She's gonna kill me—did you tell them yet?" Does Al know?" Ed demanded, then paused before saying in a less severe tone, "Hey, come closer, I wanna hold your hand... please."

Roy glanced up at Ed for a moment, trying to decide what to do. He _did_ want to hold Ed's hand; he wanted to hold it very much, but would it be right to do so? But, Ed wanted it, and Roy couldn't refuse, so he scooted the chair closer and took Ed's hand in his.

"I tried..." Roy began, then cut himself off. Yes, he had called Rizembool, but both the girl and Alphonse had been away doing some automail repairs and they'd been snowed in somewhere... The old woman had promised to do her best to get the word to them, and said she would come herself to fix Ed's automail, but right now _no one_ was getting out of Rizembool due to the heavy snow.

Roy continued, making the information less personal. "Calls were made to the Rockbell residence, but it seems that your brother and Miss Rockbell were away from the house. The old woman said she'd try to get a message to them," he said a little more formally than he'd intended.

Ed weakly curled his fingers around Roy's palm and gave it a soft squeeze. "You and Al are close, eh?" Ed asked in a softly serious tone. "You talk a lot? Don't you?"

Roy flinched involuntarily and looked down at the hand holding his. No, it didn't seem he'd been lucky after all... But what could he say to that? How could he defend himself?

He couldn't.

"No..." he whispered faintly.

He heard Ed let his breath out loudly, then, "But he told you, didn't he? How much he hates me. What did he tell you?" The last was said in a pleading tone saturated with pain. "Please," Ed said, beseeching him. "Just tell me what he said."

Roy squeezed Ed's hand before letting go and standing up. He had to tell Ed the truth, it was only right, but he couldn't do it sitting here next to him. It would have just seemed too much a lie. Slowly, he limped to the window next to Ed's bed and pressed his forehead against the glass. He owed Ed the truth, but it was so damn hard...

"I hurt you too... Roy," Ed said and Roy could hear him shifting in the bed. "I...I'm sorry. I don't remember everything from that day, but I didn't mean to hurt you. I—I just didn't know. I've never been in a relationship before. I didn't know that you..." Ed chuckled softly. "…can't read my mind. This is all cause of that stupid dare..."

Ed apologizing... Roy didn't want to hear that. He didn't want Ed to be kind to him; he didn't want Ed to apologize. _He _was the one who was in the wrong, not Ed.

"Ed..." Roy said, then paused. He had to do this. And maybe, if he was lucky, it would make Ed hate him, and it would be that much easier on him when he was let go... "I lied to you when I said that about your brother." He couldn't keep the gravity from his voice as he spoke. "I should have walked away. I should have let you leave, but I didn't. This isn't your fault. None of it is."

"W-what? But why? What happened? You..." The bed creaked and he heard a groan from Ed. "Why?"

So hard...

Roy rubbed his eyes in an effort to make the stinging tears go away. He wouldn't cry. "Ed, listen..." _I'm so sorry..._ "I'm not a good person. I..." _I'm a real bastard, you were right all along._ "I have a bad habit of saying things I shouldn't when I'm mad. I thought I could control that with you." _But I was too weak._ "I've just tried to walk away when I was angry..." _I really did try..._ "But..." Roy shook his head. He couldn't say anymore. If he did, then it might become glaringly obvious that he was about to lose his composure.

"So... was any of what you said true?" Ed asked. "You still want to be with me, right?"

Roy squeezed his eyes shut. _Don't do this to me, Ed. Please... This is killing me enough as it is..._

He could hear more movement on the bed, then, "I...I..._really_ like you." Ed's voice was so hesitant, so unsure that Roy felt as though Ed had stabbed him in the chest rather than confessed his feelings. He almost couldn't breathe it was so painful. _I really like you too..._ Roy thought. _You are everything to me... and that's why I'm going to let you go._

Roy shook his head as if that would somehow take the hurt away, then said as clearly as he could, "It might be better if you found someone else to be with; someone who will treat you the way you deserve."

There.

He'd said it.

And now he just wanted to be alone so that he didn't have to pretend that this wasn't killing him.

"No..." Ed whispered. "No! I won't accept that!" Ed said loudly, almost shouting. Roy could hear him move off the bed, then the sound of him falling onto the floor with a grunt of pain.

Roy quickly turned his head and instantly felt concern when he saw Ed crumpled on the floor. He couldn't move fast, but he came to Ed as quickly as he could manage. Putting his weight on his good leg, Roy bent down and offered his hand. It was the best he could do.

"Didn't you just tell me you were to stay in bed?" Roy asked, frustrated that Ed would put his health in jeopardy like this.

Instead of answering or taking his hand, Ed pulled his legs under him and held onto his side for a moment before saying, "You're lying."

Roy gritted his teeth in an effort to stay where he was. The pain was so intense he was starting to see little stars in his vision. "Are you going to take my hand or not?" he asked.

"I don't believe you!" Ed shouted. "Why are you even here if you don't care?" he asked and looked up. Roy's eyes met Ed's wet ones and all he wanted to do in that moment is hold Ed and tell him whatever he wanted just to get those tears to stop.

But he couldn't, because this is what would be best for Ed.

"Fuck, why can't I stop crying today?" Ed said in frustration and turned away to wipe furiously at his eyes.

Roy felt his face crumple at Ed's words, and he wished he was anywhere but here at the moment. He didn't like hurting Ed. He hated it. But if he didn't let Ed go, then he could hurt him again and again... and again... Better just to have him hurt now, for this one time, rather then over and over later. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. Yes, it was better; better for Ed... but not for him.

Growling, Ed lifted his arm up and put his face into his elbow. Suddenly he jerked his head and pulled the IV needle out by his teeth and spit it on the floor. Rolling over onto his hand and knees, Ed shuffled over to the end of the bed and pulled himself to his feet.

Guess Ed didn't need his help... Roy didn't think he should be surprised at Ed's reaction, in fact, it was probably for the best, but it still hurt. Even if they weren't going to be together, he still wanted to help Ed if he could because he still cared...

"Roy...or should I now call you Mustang?" Ed said, driving that ache even deeper.

Pressing his lips together, Roy straightened, unable to keep the hurt from both the physical and emotional pains off his face. "I suppose you should, Fullmetal," he said quietly, trying to ignore the hurt. Better for them to just go back to a working relationship...

Yes, of course it was...

As hard as he tried, he couldn't seem to convince himself.

"You're such a fucking bastard," Ed exclaimed. "Was I only your fuck pet? Eh?"

_No..._

"You said you only wanted to fuck me in the beginning, right?"

_In the beginning..._

"What? You find something younger, more pleasant? A woman?"

_No. _

"A boy?"

_Hardly._

"Come on, tell me!"

Roy continued to stare at the floor, listening passively to Ed rant at him. He deserved it, and he wasn't about to say anything in his own defense. Besides, they'd already had this conversation—and that brought a whole new level of agony to him. Maybe he would tell Ed. Maybe he would respond to the accusations and the anger. Maybe. But not now. Not today. Slowly, Roy began moving toward the door. He just couldn't take any more of this right now. He had to get away.

Roy stopped halfway to the door. Ed's words echoed through his mind. He could hear anger and accusation in Ed's voice, but he could also feel the pain. Roy pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. "That's right," he whispered. "That's all you were to me."

Tears pricked at his eyes, and he loathed himself even more for saying that to Ed. "Now, get back to bed and let your body heal so that you can find someone who really..." His voice broke. "...loves... you."

At that moment, Roy realized it. He realized it in a conscious way. He loved Ed. He loved him, and he'd been so afraid of losing him that he'd ended up pushing him away. And... as a result, _this_ is what happened. It was wrong of him to care about something so much that he would lose his wits. It was wrong that he would lose his composure over such a weak and childish emotion.

Yes, he loved Ed, and it was making him break down in ways he could have never imagined. He'd let this emotion play with him from the shadows; taunting him without ever making itself clear and leaving him a total wreck. He hadn't recognized it for what it was until too late. Even that time before hadn't prepared him for this.

Nothing had prepared him for this.

Was it too much to say that he never wanted to love again?

Roy didn't think so.

This wasn't like him. Being so emotional wasn't him. No, his way was to hide any feelings he couldn't handle. Bury them deep so that he could remain in control. But somewhere along the way, Ed had shone light into that dark place and there was no where left for him to put those feelings...

He needed to pull himself together, just like Hawkeye had said. Now that that light was going out in his life, he needed to put all those negative emotions back where they belonged. That's what he needed to do, and he would.

But not right now.

Right now he was going to go home and morn his loss.

Tomorrow, maybe the next day, he would find a way to move on...

Swallowing hard and blinking back tears, Roy made his way to the door, opened it, and let himself out of the room.

* * *

Please note that all of Ed's dialogue belongs to Kikiko. Please check my profile for Ed's POV by Kikiko.


	8. Letting Go

**The More I Learn to Care For You—Roy's POV**

**Chapter Eight**

**Letting Go**

For the next couple of days, Roy stayed at home; stayed in bed. He hurt both physically and emotionally, and all he wanted to do was forget the world and all his troubles. The pain medication helped wonderfully with that. He'd been trying to wean himself off it for when he'd have to return to work, but after the confrontation with Ed, he just wanted to sleep it all off, so he was back to his normal dosage.

Of course, it wasn't that easy. His troubles followed him into his dreams. Sometimes he dreamt of Ed, sometimes of the accident, sometimes of Hakuro and the impending trial. There was no getting around the fact that Roy was in deep shit with the military. Perhaps if he had a kinder and more understanding commanding officer it would be different—or even if he had one who didn't have a deep grudge against him.

But things weren't different, so he'd just accept that. The same with Ed... If he were a different man, then perhaps he'd feel worthy of having Ed, but he wasn't and he didn't feel that way. Ed deserved better than him. He deserved someone who wasn't an asshole. He deserved someone who would treat him right...

Ed would recover, and he would go on because he was strong like that. Roy was sure Ed was doing much better now than he had been the last time he'd gone to see him, but then, he really didn't know for sure. He hadn't called in to check since that day...

As if on cue, the phone rang and, turning on his side, Roy reached over and, cursing whoever was calling this early in the morning, felt around until he found the receiver. Picking it up, he sleepily mumbled, "Hello?"

"Colonel Mustang?" a male voice said. "I haven't heard from you in several days. I was getting worried.

Roy frowned. Doctor Maple... Roy sighed heavily then murmured, "It has been several days, hasn't it..."

There was silence on the other end of the line for a few moment then Maple said in a serious tone, "Colonel, we need to talk about Edward."

_Yes, let's talk about him, doctor, _Roy thought. _Let's talk about how I want him back. Let's talk about how I seem to be messing up so much recently. Let's talk about how it will kill me to see him with someone else, even if it's in his best interest..._

He said none of that, however. Instead, he said wryly, "What has he done now? The hospital is still there, right?"

"This is quite serious, colonel," Doctor Maple said sounding a little frustrated. "Edward is refusing his medication."

_Refusing his medication?_ Roy thought worriedly. "And why is that?" he asked, trying to sound as disinterested as he could. Better just to distance himself from the whole thing... yet he wanted to know—_needed­_ to know... "He's stubborn, but he usually has a reason, no matter how absurd it is."

"He's complaining of crying, but this medication hasn't been known to affect patients like that. He can't go without his medication for long, but since he's brought up his desire to stop this particular course of medical treatment, and because he's underage, I have to contact you for further instructions."

There was a slight pause as Doctor Maple cleared his throat, then, "There are other drug therapies we could try, but he's responding well under this drug protocol, and I wouldn't want to change without further provocation."

Roy blinked and frowned deeply. They didn't seem to understand that Ed really was considered an adult by the state. Unless Ed had been injured under deployment or something similar, Roy really couldn't order Ed to take the medication.

Sighing heavily, Roy said, "Doctor, look, Ed is practically an adult." Practically because he didn't _act _like it sometimes... "It's his body. If he wants to change medications, then let him." He paused, a sudden thought occurring to him. "Unless you have a reason for not wanting to give him something else?"

"As I've already stated," Maple said. The patient tone the man used reminded Roy of someone talking to a child and he felt the sudden urge to just hang up on the doctor. "He's responding well under this drug protocol. I wouldn't advise switching unless the need arises since the chance for an allergic reaction goes up each time we switch."

Roy scowled at the wall. So basically what the doctor was saying was that he didn't think Ed was having any sort of reaction to the medication, and that Ed was just being stubborn. Sounded like Ed...

"Okay, so what do you want _me_ to do about it?" Roy asked in exasperation, already thinking he knew the answer. The thought of seeing Ed again made his heart beat quickly in his chest both from eagerness and from fear.

"I would think, _colonel,_ that as his commanding officer, and someone who has been here everyday since Edward has been admitted, that you would take a more concerned attitude when I call you with something of this nature—especially since you've constantly been on the entire staff's case on his condition, and badgering us to do a job that we are more familiar with than a colonel who thinks he can drive a car when he knows he doesn't have the skill!" Doctor Maple said in an angry, and unprofessional tone.

Roy's eyes narrowed at the sharp words, but before he could say anything, Maple continued. "Now," he said in a slightly softer tone, as if trying to get himself together from his outburst. "I would like for you to come down to the ward, talk to Edward, and see just what is behind this sudden request to switch medications." There was a pause, then Maple said, as if it had just occurred to him, "While you're at it, he needs toiletries and a change of clothes. Do we have an understanding, Colonel Mustang?"

Inside, Roy was seething. If this doctor thought he could get away with insulting him, and then trying to order him around when he had no authority over him, he was wrong.

"Doctor Maple," Roy said in a calm, flat voice. "As you just pointed out, you and your staff are more familiar with what to do in medical matters. It isn't my problem if you, the doctor _in charge_," he emphasized with disdain, "cannot get his patient to do something. In the state's eyes, Edward is an adult, and has been since he was twelve. The state, our government, ruled by the military, has deemed it so. This is his choice, not mine." And with that, Roy hung up the phone.

Rolling back onto his back, he looked up at the ceiling and sighed heavily. Not the most mature thing, hanging up on Maple, but it made him feel a little better and the doctor hadn't exactly been the pristine picture of professionalism either. He didn't think the doctor realized that Ed most likely wouldn't appreciate seeing him. There really wasn't anything he'd be able to do that would be helpful.

Roy closed his eyes, trying to sleep, but the conversation wouldn't go away. _'He's complaining of crying...'_ Maple's words floated in his mind. Roy swallowed hard wondering if it had been because of him that Ed was crying... Probably... Despite his hard exterior, Ed could be really sensitive sometimes... But didn't Ed realize it was all for the best? Surely Ed would be fine. He'd go on with his life, find someone who would treat him well and forget... he'd forget…

Roy squeezed his eyes and tried not to let it bother him. After all, wasn't he doing this for Ed's own good? Did it really matter if _he_ hurt over this? He'd already caused Ed so much pain, wasn't this equivalent?

Maybe...

Maybe not...

Pulling the blankets to his chin, Roy again tried to push all the thoughts away; tried to ignore the fact that he desperately wanted to see Ed again. It was better this way. Besides, he hadn't liked how Maple had tried to push him around. He wasn't going to visit Ed and he wasn't going to go pick up his things, and that was that.

* * *

Roy turned the key and heard it click before turning the doorknob and opening the door to Ed's small dorm room. His first thought upon seeing the dorm room was that someone had broken in and searched the place. Books and clothes were thrown everywhere, and there were places where papers were scattered about. Ed's bed was unmade, and the bedding was onto the floor.

He'd never seen the place in such disarray. It was then that a thought occurred to him. Ed always knew when Roy was coming over. Roy never just popped in and surprised him, so he'd probably always cleaned up before hand...

Stuffing the key into his coat pocket, Roy closed the door and gazed around in a sort of wonder. It was as if he was seeing a side of Ed that he'd never seen before. He searched the book strewn floor wondering how Ed even got to his bed. The floor was barely visible, like the sky on a cloudy day. You could only get a glance if it here or there.

He couldn't help but wonder where the hell Ed put all this stuff when he'd come over before. Glancing at the open closet at the back of the room, Roy thought he'd found his answer. After all, he'd _never_ seen that closet open.

Tentatively, Roy made his way to the bed and sat down. He already felt exhausted from the trip here. He hadn't moved around this much in days. Leaning his crutch against Ed's nightstand, Roy laid back, and rested his head on the pillow. He instantly regretted it as his head met something hard that rested beneath it.

Reaching underneath, Roy's fingers touched a book, and he thought with a bit of amusement that only _Ed_ would sleep with a book... Pulling out the offending book, Roy took one glance at it before letting it plop down on his chest. He felt his amusement drain out of him and disbelief filled him... disbelief and a little bit of pain. Holding the book back up, Roy stared at the cover of the book he'd given Ed last holiday season.

The book was worn, the edges a little frayed and the pages softened by use. It was obvious that Ed had read through the book many times—sticky notes marked many pages and there were notes both written on the pages themselves and written on loose papers and stuffed into the book. He turned it over in his hands and inspected the worn cover. As ludicrous as it seemed, Ed really might have even slept with it, though Roy doubted he'd slept _on_ it.

With a sigh, Roy set the book down on the nightstand, then blinked in surprise when he saw a cup with dead flowers on the corner of the nightstand. They were the remains of the flowers he'd given to Ed on New Year's Eve... The corpse-like flowers were dry and brittle, and when Roy sat up, he could see dead leaves and petals dotting the nightstand.

Roy tore his eyes away with an effort. All of this was just making him so damn sentimental... Ed wasn't his anymore. He needed to just forget him; just needed to push all of the memories out of his mind because it just hurt too damn bad to think about them...

Getting up, Roy moved carefully over the mess on the floor and opened the top drawer of Ed's dresser. He was here to get things for Ed, not sit around thinking about the past. Reaching into the messy drawer, Roy began pulling out socks and boxers, then stopped when his hand rested on one particular pair of boxers.

More memories invaded Roy's mind as he remembered buying these boxers for himself. The first time he'd washed them they'd shrunk and he'd given them to Ed because they'd ended up close to his size... Ed had worn them so often that the fabric had become thin, and the seams had become frayed. Roy had finally felt the need to suggest Ed perhaps move on to wearing other boxers and perhaps tossing these ones. Ed had agreed reluctantly and Roy had never seen him wear them again; yet, the boxers looked even more worn since then and he had a feeling Ed had never quit wearing them.

Feeling a little frustrated, Roy glanced around the messy room wondering if he was going to be assaulted by memories the whole time. The last thing he needed right now was to be shown just how much Ed had cared for him. It served to prove just how much better off Ed was without him... Ed _deserved_ better than him.

Roy swallowed hard as other memories, distant ones that he'd much rather forget, came to his mind. Memories of a younger him and of a person he'd cared for as much as Ed cared for him. Roy shook his head, angrily trying to get rid of the memories. He'd been young and so devoted to that person... He shook his head. That was the past and it didn't reflect on the now.

With a deep breath, Roy looked around for the large book bag Ed often used when he went to the library. It would be easier to deal with then trying to pack that monster of a suitcase Ed owned. Taking another step, Roy nearly stumbled on a pile of books in an effort to get to the bag, and growled irritably as he snatched it. Ed was smarter than most, but the kid had absolutely no organizational skills...

Packing what supplies Ed needed into the bag, Roy was about to leave when he picked up the book he'd given Ed, and, on impulse, stuffed that into the bag as well. He looked around at the mess, thinking perhaps that some other books would be good too, but decided to leave sifting through the bog for another time.

* * *

Roy stared around the foyer feeling both glad that he couldn't see either Doctor Maple or his staff, yet frustrated because he'd love to just drop the damn bag off with one of them without having to see Ed... Yet, he _did_ want to see Ed... but he didn't want another confrontation with him...

He started slowly toward the door. At the very least a nurse could have taken the bag for him. Moving on the crutch was a pain all in itself, yet carrying the large bag filled with Ed's things was frustrating because it kept moving back and forth making it hard for him to find his balance.

When he got to the door, Roy carefully balanced himself as he turned the knob, then pushed open the door lightly before letting himself into the room. Turning, he shut the door and grunted at it as if to show his frustration.

Letting his breath out, Roy glanced down to where Ed's bed was located and felt disconcerted at the fact that Ed was awake and looking at him. Roy supposed he'd hoped Ed would be asleep so that he could have his fill of looking at him before quietly slipping away.

Roy met Ed's eyes before breaking off the uncomfortable eye contact and starting forward. When he got there, Roy carefully set the bag down on the end of Ed's bed. Silently turning to leave, Roy glanced at Ed and felt a lump form in his throat at the way Ed was staring at him. Golden eyes seemed to beg him to stay, and when Ed opened and closed his mouth, Roy couldn't resist.

Sitting down and resting his crutch against the table, Roy tried to make himself appear businesslike, but wasn't able to let it carry through his voice. "I was contacted by your physician. It seems you've been making trouble."

Ed sighed and looked down and away. "I'm sorry. I... it's been... hard. I—" Ed frowned, then looked up at him. "I'm glad you... came." The last was whispered, and he looked away again.

For a moment, Roy was quiet as he digested what Ed had said, and how he'd said it. There was so much he wanted to say, but he settled on a soft, "Of course I came." He paused as he realized what he was doing and mentally kicked himself. He wasn't here to make up with Ed. Changing his tone, Roy said, "I think that Maple and his staff aren't prepared to deal with someone as troublesome as you." _That was an understatement, _Roy thought irritably. "I couldn't very well let them suffer." He could, and he wanted to, but this was a great excuse despite the fact that was a complete lie.

"I'm sorry," Ed said started to explain quickly. "I didn't mean to react like that. I mean, I wouldn't hurt the nurse on purpose, but I was really angry and I wasn't thinking straight. It's like my head is all messed up," Ed said with a wave of his hand. Frowning, he continued, "I mean, I know I knocked the thing down, but—okay, yeah it came close but not _that_ close. There was a good few inches between her nose and the stand-thingy. I just needed to get my head clear and these drugs aren't letting me do that, so I wanted to change them, but they won't listen to me 'cause I'm not legal yet."

Ed rolled his eyes, but it didn't interrupt the flow of words coming from his mouth. "Which is _so_ stupid—and just now, I mean after they changed my bandages, they wanted me to go to the damn playroom. With all the other kids! Hello, is it any wonder that I freaked out like that!" Ed flipped his hand in disgust, then paused in his rant and said in a deflated tone, "So yeah..." as he shifted to his side with a pained look on his face.

Roy just stared at Ed feeling confused and slightly amused. It felt sort of good to see him talking so freely. It was as if there was nothing wrong between them at all, yet the quick and nervous pace did much to destroy that impression. And what was this about the nurse and knocking something down? And taking Ed to the playroom? That was absurd...

Clearing his throat, Roy decided to address the most important points. "I informed Doctor Maple that both the state and I consider you to be an adult. It's really up to you if you switch medications or not. Though I think you should know that most medications have some sort of side effects. I don't think a fuzzy head warrants changing prescriptions."

"But what does the doctor think?" Ed asked. "He still gave me that shit when—after he—well, I mean it sounded like you weren't coming so... he just gave it to me anyway."

"The doctor thinks you should stay with this mediation as well, though I'm not agreeing with him because he's the doctor," Roy said and felt irritated all over again at the tone Maple had used with him earlier. Pushing those thoughts away, Roy continued. "If you really want to change medications, I'll talk to him about it, but like I said, I don't think it's really necessary."

Ed glanced down at his bedding, then pressed his lips together. "Well, I don't know, but I'm... I mean, I don't act like this normally, but I'm..." He trailed off and looked up before looking away at the windows on the far side of the room. It took him a few moments, but finally he said, "Hakuro came to see me." He frowned and looked back at Roy, looking him in the eye. "I don't know what you put in your report, but I don't think I said anything harmful."

Roy flinched at that, but worked to relax his body. Hakuro came to talk to Ed? He hadn't even thought that Hakuro would do that, but he should have supposed that he would. Roy really wanted to demand that Ed tell him everything he told Hakuro, but he didn't want Ed to know what was going on. This was his problem, and he wouldn't let Ed take this on himself.

Roy took a deep breath. With an effort, he ignored what Ed had said about Hakuro, and as he let the air out, he said, "Well, medication can mess with how you act sometimes, but that doesn't mean it's not the best one for helping you heal. It won't be forever."

"Yeah, I guess," Ed said, then fell silent. He looked uneasy, and Roy suddenly wanted very much to leave.

After a few moments of silence, Roy shifted forward a little and said, "Well, if there's nothing else?"

"Oh, wait!" Ed exclaimed quickly, then reached out and grabbed onto his coat sleeve. Roy stopped and looked at Ed, hoping this had to do with the matter a hand and not with anything that would be too uncomfortable to talk about.

Golden eyes met his challengingly, and he said, "Stay. Please." Stay? He didn't want to stay. He wanted to leave before Ed started talking about more intimate subjects, but a conflicting part of him did want to stay, and that part won out.

"Alright," he said quietly and moved slightly to settle back into the chair.

Ed tugged at the sleeve he was holding. "Give me your hand," he demanded. "And you're going to tell me straight how it is with us now. No more lies, no more half-truths. I wanna know how come you...attacked me like that…please. I need to know." Ed's demanding tone had slipped into one of begging.

Roy stiffened slightly. Hadn't Ed understood what he'd meant the last time he'd been there? Didn't he realize that they were finished? The last thing Roy wanted to talk about was that morning. It was an agonizing thing to even think about and part of him just wanted to say to Ed, 'I don't know what you're talking about', but that was an answer he would have given to the others he'd been with. Ed deserved better than that... but Roy didn't know if he could give him what he wanted.

Again Ed tugged on his sleeve. "Give me your hand," he demanded again.

He searched his memories to find the right thing to say, and felt frustration well up in him at what he found there. Ed wasn't the only one who wanted answers... "Why don't you tell me why you'd been so distant," Roy responded. "Perhaps you should tell me why you seemed to be less interested in our relationship. What was it to you, Ed?"

Roy paused, almost reluctant to go on because it seemed almost ludicrous coming from him, but he'd wanted more from Ed than he'd ever wanted from anyone else. "Was it the sex? Was that all it was?" he asked. Perhaps he deserved to have the tables turned on him... "Am I getting too old for you? What?"

He wanted to go on, but he was already embarrassed at having asked what he had. Unable to meet Ed's eyes any longer, Roy looked down. He didn't like sounding so needy. It made him feel weak and it reminded him of how he'd been with...

"What! Are you insane?" Ed cried. "I wasn't getting tired of you, dumb ass. You were giving me mixed signals that I couldn't make sense of. I thought you were seeing someone else! But then you called me up drunk, and then I knew you weren't, and I felt stupid for doubting you! I thought we'd made up! Why did you act like that then?" Ed demanded, his voice rising, and each sentence punctuated by a tug on his sleeve. At the end, Ed gave an extra hard tug.

Roy gritted his teeth together and asked angrily, "Why wouldn't you confide in me? Why wouldn't you let me take care of you? We didn't make up; you were just trying to flatter me into giving you what you wanted. Why did you get upset when I was just trying to be honest with you? You asked me a question and I answered you honestly, but it wasn't good enough for you."

It was as if a flood gate had opened inside of him and as much as he wanted to stop the words, he couldn't. "I gave you what I'd never given to anyone else, Ed—the truth. I gave you a piece of me and when you realized that not all was perfect you got pissed off and wanted to leave. I'm not good enough for you Ed. I know it, and you know it," he finished bitterly.

Ed stared at him in disbelief for a moment then said in a hurt tone, "I didn't want to tell you that I hadn't eaten for almost three days 'cause I was worried as hell that _you_ were leaving _me_, and I didn't want to bother you since we'd just 'made up'. And as for getting pissed when you were honest with me about why you liked me, I didn't like how you threw your past exploits out there so casually. I'm sorry I didn't realize that you were putting yourself out there. I handled it badly. I'm sorry that I have a temper and I can't ever be calm when I need to be, and I'm sorry that I _always_ speak without thinking. I'm sorry for being me, so please, can we stop this craziness and go back to the way we were now?" Ed said, passion and pleading both in his voice, then, "Please let me hold your hand."

With a sigh of resignation, Roy let Ed take his hand. So many misunderstandings on both their parts... It was good that they were clearing some of them up, but Ed didn't seem to understand. He wasn't leaving Ed solely because of misunderstandings. He'd never wanted to treat Ed the way he'd treated the others, and this had only proven that he couldn't be trusted not to do the same thing again.

Roy frowned as Ed began rubbing his hand, and thought briefly about taking it back. He didn't want to give him the wrong impression by letting him hold his hand, but he selfishly let Ed keep a hold of it.

"Ed... I'm just not good for you..." He paused. Telling Ed more about his past relationships wasn't something he wanted to do, especially after what had happened the last time he'd been honest, but he felt it was necessary to make Ed understand.

"I... You're not the only one with a temper, though I guess you already know that by now." Another pause, then, "There's a reason why I never dated anyone very long, Ed... It wasn't all about wanting new 'conquests'..." He paused again, not wanting to say it.

"I haven't been very... kind... to the people I've dated in the past. I never respected them." Another pause. "Basically they were there for me to fuck." He glanced up at Ed to see how he would react, then looked away. "When we... got together... by the time we actually had sex—like I said before—I'd already realized I wanted something more from you. I realized that I... I actually respected you... I wanted what we had to be different. I worked very hard to keep myself from saying things I shouldn't when I was angry."

He shook his head in self-disgust. "That morning... I did to you what I'd done to them. I knew what I was doing, but..." His voice softened to a whisper and he said, "I did it anyway," then he let his voice return to the tone he'd been using before. "And you suffered from it in more ways than one. You shouldn't ever have to worry about that." He returned his gaze back to Ed. "Do you understand? Do you understand why I can't be with you? Do you understand why you'd be better off with someone else?" he asked and hated the hurt, pleading tone his voice held.

Ed looked down. "No, I don't understand. So you got a temper too, it'll make the make-up sex even hotter," Ed said with humor in his voice and Roy frowned deeply, not at all amused. When Ed spoke again, his tone was more serious. "Roy, I don't want anyone else. It's you or no one, you got that? You keep saying I'm an adult, but you're making this decision for me 'cause you think of me as a kid despite what you say to the contrary. Let me decide how, and what, I think is acceptable to me, okay?"

For a moment, Roy said nothing, simply looked at Ed as the teen stared at him with determination. He should have known Ed wouldn't understand. Yes, Ed was definitely maturing, but he didn't have the experience that Roy had. Finally, he said, "I don't think of you as a kid, Ed, but you are inexperienced. You really don't understand. It got very ugly with some of my past flings. I refuse to let it get that way with you."

He looked down at the hand Ed was holding, the hand that Ed had given little squeezes to while he'd been trying to explain... In a whisper, he said, "You deserve better than me. There is better out there, you just don't know it yet. I'm giving you the freedom to find that out."

Ed sighed. "You're not hearing me, but you know what? That's okay because I'm not giving up. I can see that you really like me, and this is killing you." Ed pulled Roy's hand up to his mouth and kissed the knuckles while he kept his eyes on Roy.

Roy looked at Ed feeling slightly bemused. Hadn't Ed complained of getting that sort of treatment? Well, Roy supposed turnabout was fair play, and he said, "I'm not a woman, you know, that you need to kiss my hand." Truth was that he sort of wanted Ed to kiss his hand again. The truth was he wanted to make up, but he was the adult here and he had to act like it.

Ed chuckled and, as if reading Roy's mind, gave the hand another kiss before smirking. "You're in for it when I get outta here, you know that right? I'm not going to let you outta my sight. You know all that determination I had for Al? Well that's all on you now."

Roy frowned, that wasn't exactly how he'd planned for this to go. "Ed... perhaps I didn't make myself very clear..." he began.

"Sure, sure, I got ya," Ed said. "You're being all self-sacrificing, but that's your decision, I'm not accepting it," Ed explained and gave a little shrug.

Roy felt his eyebrow twitch as irritation pricked at him. 'Self-sacrificing'? Well, perhaps he was, but Ed would know about self-sacrificing... his automail arm was proof of that. He should know that sometimes you had to sacrifice for another's happiness. Still, he couldn't help feeling slightly offended at those words and pulled his hand away before getting up and grabbing his crutch.

"It's not self-sacrificing; it's what's best," Roy said. Shaking his head, Roy opened his mouth to say something else, then sighed heavily. He didn't have the energy to keep up with Ed on this right now. He already felt spent and he hurt.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Ed asked and reached for Roy's pant leg. He missed and shuffled to the edge of the bed.

"Home," Roy explained. "I'm exhaust— I have things I need to do," he finished. He didn't need any pity from Ed. Didn't need it, didn't want it.

"But you'll come back?" Ed asked and looked up at Roy from his pillow, still trying to reach for the pant leg.

"We're not a couple anymore, Ed," Roy said bluntly.

Ed frowned. "So what? We can't even be friends?"

Roy stared at Ed for a moment. Friends would be nice. It would be better than fighting, and it would keep the peace in the office when both of them returned. But being friends after breaking up, especially when one of the people didn't want the split, could be complicated...

Finally, he started away, and said, "I'll think about it." There were pros and cons to this. If Ed couldn't accept that they were over, that could cause some difficulties; yet, if they weren't on good terms, that could also cause problems...

"Hey—Wait!" Ed called. "Come back! Roy? No fair, you can't leave like that! Come back!"

"Goodbye, Ed," Roy said without either stopping or turning back.

"Roy!"

Roy stopped at the door, opened it, and walked out. Ed called his name one more time before the door closed completely behind him. Sighing, Roy realized that hadn't gone at all how he'd thought it would, though whether that was good or bad, he wasn't sure yet.

* * *

Please note that all of Ed's dialogue (and, in this chapter, all of Dr. Maple's dialogue) belongs to Kikiko. Please check my profile for **Ed's POV** by **Kikiko**.


	9. Confrontation

**Note:** Ed's dialogue belongs to Kikiko. The rest of this chapter is souly mine.

—

**The More I Learn to Care for You**

**Chapter Nine**

**Confrontation**

—

Roy absentmindedly turned the page of the book he was looking at, then sighed before closing it and looking around. In the past week, he'd come to Ed's dorm room for about an hour a day and worked on getting it cleaned up and organized. It was something to do, something to get him out.

At first, it had tired him out immensely, but as the days when on, and he continued to recover, Roy found that it was helping him get used to being up and doing things. He'd need to get used to it, he didn't have much more time left before he'd need to go back to work.

That was something he tried not to think about. Hakuro had it in for him and Roy knew it. He wasn't sure exactly how the hearing would turn out, but he was sure that it would be unfair and that he would end up worse off after it was over. There really was no defense he could offer. He had been reckless, and Ed had gotten hurt. Roy was prepared to take whatever punishment he needed to, but it didn't mean he had to like it.

Roy looked down at the book in his hands and smiled slightly. It was a book on the language of flowers. He'd found several of them scattered all over as well as Ed's notes on the subject. Shaking his head, Roy stood, and limped over to the closet. Given that Ed didn't have much space, Roy had found a bookcase that would fit inside of the closet to keep all of his books. He slipped the book into the bookcase with the others before moving over to Ed's bed and sitting on it.

His eyes moved over the fairly clean room with a feeling of semi-sweet satisfaction. At first he'd thought that everything was simply scattered all over, but it hadn't taken him long to realize Ed did have an organizational system of sorts. It was something he'd needed to take into account as he moved everything. It wasn't that cleaning and organizing was his favorite thing to do, but it made him feel closer to Ed in a way and he'd been able to learn quite a bit about his lover...

His _ex-_lover...

Roy sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He hadn't visited since he'd brought over Ed's things. He'd actually gone to the hospital since then—he'd had to for his own doctor appointments—but when he saw that Alphonse and the Rockbells were there, he figured it would be best to simply stay away.

Without thinking about it, Roy's eyes slid over to Ed's nightstand where the dead flowers sat in the cup. There were just some things he didn't feel right moving... He sighed, grabbed his crutch, and stood up. His body ached and he was ready to go home, take some pain medication, and let himself rest.

* * *

Through the haze of the drugs, Roy slowly came to awareness at the insistent knocking on his front door. He groped for the clock on the nightstand, only to realize he was sleeping on the couch. His body felt heavy and numb—both from the medication and from being awakened so suddenly—and it took him a few tries to sit up. His stomach lurched and he felt like throwing up, but luckily he hadn't eaten recently; though that also seemed to add to the sick feeling in his gut.

The pounding began again and Roy grabbed his crutch, stood unsteadily, then wandered slowly to the door. He undid the locks, then slowly cracked the door open and peered outside to see Alphonse Elric standing there with a raised fist. When the teen saw the door open, he lowered his hand and looked at Roy with a frown that radiated both displeasure and pity.

Roy wanted to growl, 'What the hell do you want?', but instead he said politely, "Alphonse... what a surprise... Is there something I can do for you?" His voice was hoarse and he had to clear his throat.

Alphonse seemed to consider the question for a moment, then said, "We need to talk."

Roy raised an eyebrow. Alphonse was normally a lot more polite than that. Without a word, he stepped back and opened the door a little wider before moving back to the couch. Alphonse walked in and shut the door, and for a few minutes there was silence.

With a yawn, Roy motioned with his hand for Al to have a seat. "You don't need to stand."

Alphonse pressed his lips before taking a seat on a chair. "I'm here to talk about brother."

_Why am I not surprised..._ Roy thought cynically. "Alright, talk then," he said as he laid across the couch. It was hard to concentrate on what was going on right now, but lying down helped a little bit. He closed his eyes and waited for whatever it was that Al was going to say.

Silence.

Opening his eyes, Roy glanced over to where Alphonse was sitting and saw an angry scowl on the teen's face. It was obvious Al was upset and had much to say, but he seemed torn between actually saying what was on his mind, and how to be at least marginally polite at the same time. That was just the way Alphonse was.

Finally, Al looked away and said tightly, "I wasn't expecting you to be in this sort of shape..." He seemed to be a little frustrated that he couldn't take out his full wrath on someone who looked so bad already.

Roy let out a long breath. He didn't need pity. "Just say what it is that you came here to say. I look a little worse than I am because I just woke up and I took some medication before that." The last thing he wanted was for Al to leave without having his peace. If he did that, then the anger would simply fester inside of him—that was something Roy was all too familiar with...

Alphonse glanced at him, then away, then back to him before saying, "What happened that day?"

"Did you ask Ed?" It was a stupid question; after all, Alphonse probably wouldn't be here if he hadn't talked with Ed.

"Yes," Al said, his voice dripping with suppressed ire. "He told me a few things—what he remembered anyway. But _you_..." He paused as if to get a hold on himself, then continued. "But you... you know. _You_ remember."

"What did he tell you?" Roy said in a faint whisper. He didn't want to tell Alphonse what had happened, but not telling him anything might make things worse.

"He told me the two of you had a fight. He said that you said he was selfish." Al's eyes narrowed and fury flashed in his normally pleasant eyes. "And he said that you said that I hated him..." It was said in a low tone that resembled distant thunder; a storm on the horizon. That's what this was, Roy thought. The storm was coming and it was his own fault he was caught out in it.

Roy swallowed, then sat up. He needed a drink... Not liquor, but maybe some coffee or tea... Something that would help him concentrate.

"Is it true?" Al asked firmly.

Grabbing the crutch, Roy stood and began to hobble toward the kitchen. "Would you like some coffee?" he asked. He could hear Al get out of the chair he'd been sitting in, and footsteps as he walked across the room before he felt himself being grabbed, turned around, and suddenly thrown against a wall. Pain flashed through his arm and leg. He winced and barely kept himself from crying out.

"You son-of-a-bitch!" Al seethed. His eyes were moist now and the anger and pain behind them glimmered softly in the dim light of the room. "How could you say such a thing?!" Al's voice broke and a tear trickled down his cheek. "You _know_ all that brother has been through! You're supposed to be the one who cares for him and protects him!"

Roy looked away in shame. Alphonse was right... He closed his eyes when Al forced him to look back at him.

"What happened that day?!" Al demanded.

Roy breathed in slowly, trying to clear his mind, then opened his eyes and said simply, "We fought. Emotions were high. I let my temper get out of control which resulted in me losing control of the car. That's all."

Alphonse moved in close and breathed, "That's not good enough. This is my brother's _life_ we're talking about. You nearly killed him physically, but what the hell did you do to him mentally?!" Al tightened his grip on Roy. "What did you tell him...? What did you say?" Roy peered deeply into Al's eyes. While not quick to anger, Alphonse Elric could be down right scary when he _did_ become angry.

"And if I don't tell you?" Roy asked calmly. "What will you do? Beat it out of me?" He glanced down at his injured arm and leg to point out the fact that he was already broken physically before looking back up. "And if I do tell you..." Roy whispered. "Do you really think it will change what happened? Do you think it will change things between Ed and me?" Al's grip wavered and he swallowed hard before looking away from Roy. "Yeah... I didn't think so either."

Al released him and walked a few steps away from him before bringing a hand up to cover his face. "I'm sorry... I... I don't know what got into me... I just..."

"Can you make coffee?" Roy asked. Alphonse dropped his hand and turned to look at Roy with a questioning glance.

"Yes..."

"_Good_ coffee?" When Al nodded hesitantly, Roy inclined his head toward the kitchen and said, "Why don't you go ahead and make some for the two of us. It will give you time to think about what you'd like to say, and it will give me a little more time to wake up."

Al's lips turned up into a small smile. "Colonel, that may be true, but I know you well enough that I'm sure the fact that you like getting other people to do things for you is factored into that somewhere."

Roy cleared his throat, and murmured, "Perhaps," before turning and limping toward the couch. Lying down, he closed his eyes and listened to the sounds from the kitchen. This wasn't a conversation he could avoid. He could try. He could evade the truth; feed Alphonse enough bullshit to get him to go away, but it would backfire on him in the end. He could modify the truth to make himself look better; after all, Ed didn't remember everything that happened...

But what was the point of lying? Al was right. He _had_ almost killed Ed, and the things he'd said before the accident... That type of behavior was why he and Ed shouldn't be together. He cared for Ed deeply and couldn't stand the thought of hurting him again so badly.

"Do you want cream or sugar?"

Roy opened his eyes to see Alphonse standing over him. "Not today," Roy said, sitting up.

Al nodded and moved back into the kitchen, and a moment later came out with two mugs. After handing one of them to Roy, Alphonse sat down on the chair he'd occupied previously and stared silently at his mug.

Roy took a sip of his coffee and nodded in approval before slowly asking, "How is he?"

"How do _you_ think he is?" Al asked reproachfully. Alphonse was not happy, and it was obvious he wouldn't be placated until he got the information he wanted.

Roy took another sip of his coffee. He didn't want to play games with Al. This wasn't about winning or losing, and it wasn't about him. By trying to win, trying not to get hurt, he'd lost. There was no more game to play, and he didn't want Alphonse to think otherwise. So it was the truth, plain and simple. No games. No lies. No diverting the facts or twisting them to fit his own needs.

Just the truth.

Unfortunately, the truth wasn't his friend, and he had a feeling Alphonse wouldn't be either after this discussion was over.

"I don't know." A simple phrase, yet it hurt to say it out loud because he _should_ know. He should be there for Ed...

"You'd know if you bothered to come to the hospital," Al said in a tone that allowed no forgiveness.

"True."

"He _needs _you," Al growled.

"You and the Rockbells were there. I didn't want to interfere." It was partially the truth, but a weak excuse none the less and Alphonse was not impressed.

Al's grip on his mug tightened and he said, "You should be there for him."

Sighing heavily, Roy let his eyes fall to the rich, brown liquid in his mug. "I don't know if you're aware of this or not, Alphonse, but your brother and I are no longer seeing each other."

"I've recently become aware of that fact," Al said tightly.

"Then you can understand why—" Roy began, but was cut off.

"I can understand. I can understand that you broke up with my brother at the exact time that he needs you most!" Alphonse threw back.

Roy looked up and scowled. "It's for his own good. It's my fault he's in this situation. I'm not good for him. He _deserves_ better and I'm giving him that chance."

Al sat forward in his chair and asked pointedly, "Do you still love him?"

The question threw him off, and for a moment he said nothing, then he glanced back down at his coffee before taking a drink. "I think you know the answer to that question," he murmured.

"Then why don't you let _him_ decide what he wants?"

Roy looked up. "Because, Ed doesn't know what's good for him."

Alphonse took a drink of his coffee, then said, "You should stop treating him like a kid. Brother _is_ an adult you know. He's capable of making his own decisions."

"Perhaps I'd treat him more like an adult if he _acted_ like one," Roy shot back irritably. He wasn't too thrilled with the way this conversation was going.

"Like you?"

Roy had lifted his mug to take a drink, then stopped and said, "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"Only that you're not exactly the epitome of maturity right now either," Al said. Roy was about to retort to that when Alphonse spoke up again, and this time his voice was a little less hard. "Colonel... brother and I have known you since we were kids... I've seen you in different situations and I _do_ know you're mature, but..."

Al shook his head and took a drink. "I can tell that you actually love my brother... I've heard that love can make people do strange things and act in ways that don't always make sense." He paused and gave a sheepish smile. "I guess you can say that I know this from a little of my own experience..."

Roy gave Alphonse a weak smile back and waited for him to continue. He wasn't too happy thinking about himself in love, it almost seemed like an oxymoron, but... it was true. He didn't want to be in love, but there it was.

"From what I see, the main problem you and brother have is that your communication sucks," Al said. "I mean, you obviously love my brother, and he obviously loves you, but the two of you have different ways of showing it. Instead of breaking up, maybe you should try working things out. Actually _talk_ to each other instead of making each other guess what you mean."

Roy frowned. Alphonse had some very good points; and, as he thought about the time he and Ed had been together, he realized that communication was probably the biggest problem they had. He wanted to believe that he and Ed could work something out, that they could be together again, but Roy didn't know if it was possible. Could Ed ever forgive him for what he'd done, and for all the horrible things he'd said? Could he forgive himself...?

"Did Ed send you here to say that?" Roy finally asked.

"No," Al said and studied Roy intently as if he could tell what he was thinking just by looking at him, then he grinned. "But I'm sure he would have if he'd thought of it."

* * *

Roy stared idly up at the ceiling. It was well after nine in the morning and he knew he really should get up, but he really didn't feel like it. He'd taken some pain medication—though only half the dose so that he wouldn't fall asleep. Unfortunately, that much still made him feel a little groggy. He sighed. He knew he really _should_ get up, but getting up meant moving around, getting dressed, going down the damn stairs; and most of all, getting up meant that he had to face another day without Ed.

He sighed. The talk with Alphonse had given him a lot to think about. Alphonse had some good ideas, yet... It was too late for those ideas. He'd already messed up and what he'd done was unforgivable. If he were Ed, Roy knew that he wouldn't forgive him. Teenagers just don't know what's in their best interest... Ed only thought he wanted to be with Roy because he was letting his feelings cloud his judgment. Any mature adult would be smart enough to know they didn't want a relationship with someone like him...

Resting his uninjured arm over his eyes, Roy let his breath out slowly. This whole situation was a disaster. _He_ felt like a disaster—a state he hadn't been in since Ishbal.

"Damn you, Ed," Roy growled angrily. How had he fallen so hard? For _Ed_ of all people... Even now, Roy could see him in his mind, hear his voice in his ears, feel his touch on his skin...

He felt disgustingly weak, and to think he'd made fun of Maes when he'd fallen so hard for Gracia. At that time, Roy had teased his friend unmercifully about being so sappy and emotional for something as insignificant as _love_. He just hadn't understood... But he did now, and Roy desperately wished he didn't. He'd never wanted love, and he hadn't realized until it was too late that he'd already been infected with it.

'_Love can make people do strange things...'_ Alphonse's words rang loud in his head making Roy squeeze his eyes shut even tighter as if that would stop himself from remembering. It didn't though and Ed appeared even more defined in his imagination. Roy let himself enjoy the image, felt himself get lost in Ed—at least until the phone rang and disrupted his thoughts.

With a sigh, Roy moved his arm from his eyes and groped blindly for the phone. He didn't want to lose the vision he'd conjured. When his fingers touched the receiver, Roy picked it up and said mildly, "Hello?" then realized that wouldn't do, cleared his throat, and said, "This is Mustang."

He could hear the sound of people and trains in the background, then a hesitant, "Er... hey... it's... uh Ed. Did I wake you?"

"Ed..." Roy murmured opening his eyes in surprise. "No, no you didn't wake me..." he said quickly. "I..." He swallowed, trying to school his ridiculous feelings of excitement; after all, he and Ed weren't together anymore... "What can I do for you?" he asked more hesitantly.

"Er... well... I just wanted to apologize for the way Al... sorta... got in your face the other day. He, ah, made me talk... and... well... I..." Ed's voice faltered then trailed off.

So Al had told Ed what had happened... Well, Roy supposed he shouldn't be too surprised at that. The two of them were close. "There's nothing for you to apologize for," Roy said after a moment, thinking of Alphonse's visit. "Your brother has valuable insights and makes good coffee." The coffee had definitely been good... Roy looked regrettably at the empty cup he'd brought up last night. It had held tea, not coffee, but right now Roy could use a cup of coffee... Something to get him going...

"Oh..." Ed said a little sadly. Roy frowned a little, wondering what that was all about, then forgot about it when Ed continued. "I, uh... I'm going home—to Rizembool—for a while." He sighed and began mumbling.

"How long will you be gone?" Roy asked, wanting to know and also wanting to hear Ed talk more. He'd missed his voice...

Ed sighed again. "I... don't know. It'll be pretty rough. My arm is pretty messed up... But that's in no way your fault you know! I don't blame you or anything!" Ed added quickly. "It... it was just an accident." Ed made a sound of frustration, then added, "I don't even know what I'm saying..."

Roy frowned, suddenly feeling a little concerned. Rizembool was a good few days away and the ride wasn't always smooth... "Are you going to be alright to travel?" he asked.

Ed made a small, almost imperceptible gasp, then said, "Er, well, I don't really have a choice. This can't wait any longer."

"Of course..." Roy murmured. It had been a stupid question anyway... He closed his eyes, letting himself give into the pull of the pain medication, and immediately the image of Ed was back in his head. He wanted to reach out and touch him, but it was impossible. "Ed..." He murmured.

"Yeah?" Ed asked.

Roy paused, still looking at the image of Ed in his mind, then said quietly, "I'm glad you called..." He felt so pathetic saying it, but it was true. He was glad. If only he could have Ed here right now...

"Can I call again? After the surgery? Maybe?" Ed asked cautiously.

One part of him wanted to deny Ed's request. They _weren't_ together any longer! He shouldn't allow it! "I would like that..." he finally said. He knew he was weak, but right now he didn't care.

"Are you sure? Cause you can say that you don't want me bothering you, I'd understand," Ed said. His voice sounded a little forced, but he seemed confident in his words. There was the murmur of voices near Ed then the sound of staticy noise before Ed said, "Just a sec..."

Roy waited quietly, still enjoying the image of Ed in his mind. He wished Ed would stay on the phone forever... There was more static on Ed's end then, "Ah, I got to go soon. I got, like five more minutes, so..."

"Of course," Roy said, feeling a little disappointed at this. "Don't let me keep you; I don't want you hurting yourself rushing to the train." He was well aware of how often Ed and Alphonse had gotten on the train at the last minute or even ran to catch up with it.

"But what about me calling?" Ed pressed. "You didn't sound like you wanted me to. Maybe I could write instead? I'm not the best letter writer, but, I mean, I'm going to be in bed for a while, so maybe now I would be, you never know. Maybe I'll write to you anyway. You don't have to mail me back or anything; that way you can still know what I'm up to without pestering people to check up on me like in the old days," Ed said quickly with a nervous little laugh. "I can tell you all about how Winry likes to bug the shit outta me. Daily!" He made a 'tisk'ing noise, then said in a fluster, "Oh shit, I'm rambling again—fuck! Sorry."

Roy smiled. He didn't mind, not really. He was getting what he wanted—which was Ed speaking to him. Of course, _how_ Ed was speaking was amusing. He was obviously nervous... he hadn't heard Ed be nervous for quite a while.

"Ed," Roy said simply.

"Eh? What? I didn't piss you off or anything did I? I'm sorry, I didn't mean too." He sounded upset now and Roy could hear angry mutterings on Ed's end.

"Edward. Be quiet and listen to me for a moment," Roy said in a light commanding voice. There was a small 'eep' on Ed's end, then silence. "I said you could call. That means you can call. If you want to write..." He paused, then let a small nostalgic smile grow on his face. "Well..." Another pause. "That's fine too."

"I can? You sure?" Ed asked in a hopefully eager voice.

Roy sighed softly, then said wearily, "Am I supposed to say 'no' after a specific number of times that you ask?" He didn't want to keep reaffirming himself.

Ed laughed. "I don't know, maybe? I'm sorry, let's blame that on the drugs, please."

The affect of painkillers was something Roy could understand all too well. "Alright," he conceded. "But you can't use that excuse every time," he added in a slightly teasing tone.

Ed snickered. "Too bad though. That's a good excuse." There was a small pause then, "Ah, fuck, I got to go. Winry's stalking over towards me and it doesn't look pretty. Do you know? She's taken to pulling my hair. I hate that, but it's better than the usual, which is a wrench thrown at me—okay, okay! No! Don't pull my hair!" Roy frowned at the exchange going on. Someone else—most likely the Rockbell girl—was talking, then he heard Ed exclaim, "Ack! I said, _don't_ pull my hair! Dammit! I got to go Roy."

"Have a safe trip..." Roy said, wondering if that would be possible given how rough Ed and Winry tended to be with one another.

"Yeah... I'll call you after the procedure." There was a small pause, then Ed said softly, "Bye."

It was said in a tone so close to what he'd come to expect from Ed when they were being intimate with each other, that Roy felt a lump form in his throat. "Bye..." he said just as softly. There was a click as the phone was hung up on the other side, and Roy added, "I miss you, Ed..." before setting the receiver gently down on its cradle.

* * *

Please be sure to check out Kikiko's 'Ed's POV'. The link is in my profile.

—

**Comments are welcome.**


	10. Trial and Punishment

**A/N: **Because of differences in times and schedules, Kikiko and I will probably be posting at different times/days from now on. Please be sure to keep an eye out for her Ed's POV!!

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**The More I Learn to Care for You—Roy's POV**

**Chapter Ten**

**Trial and Punishment**

—

"Will you be alright?"

Roy glanced away from the large and heavy door to look at Lieutenant Hawkeye. Her brown eyes were grave and her lips were pulled down into a worried frown. He tried to give her a reassuring smile.

"Of course," he said in a falsely light tone. "I'm sure they'll just slap me on the wrist and I'll be on my way." Her frown deepened and his weak smile faded. Roy could hear the dark despair in his own voice and he was sure she could hear it too.

There had been many times that he'd gotten off more easily than he should have. Luck had been on his side. But now, luck had abandoned him; or perhaps, he'd driven it off... Some people believed that when you did a good deed, it would come back to you in some form; and when you did a bad deed, that too would come around. It was a theory he'd never subscribed to, never liking the idea that he wasn't in charge of his own destiny.

Yet, right now, before the room he was about to be tried in, he believed. How could he not believe? For so many years it seemed that he'd gotten off free and clear after dating or rather _using_, then unkindly discarding various people... and then there was Ed...

He'd never loved or really cared for the women, and few men, he'd dated; hadn't really cared for Ed at first either. His initial objectives for dating Ed had been so... well... _malicious_... Not that he'd looked at it that way at the time. But then he'd gotten to know Ed; and, surprisingly enough, he'd come to _like_ him... and then to love him... He _had_ tried, really he had. He'd tried to be good to Ed in the ways he knew how...

Roy swallowed hard and squeezed his hands against the emotions raging inside of him.

He'd tried, but he'd messed up anyway. Not only had he hurt Ed emotionally, but he'd nearly killed him with his recklessness! Ed professed that he still wanted him, but Roy could hardly believe it to be true. Yet, he _wanted_ it to be true...

"Sir?" a soldier said, breaking Roy out of his thoughts. "They're ready for you..."

The soldier, a young sergeant with dirty-blond hair and tanned skin, looked at him with pity. It was as if the young man knew exactly what was going to happen in that room and felt bad for him.

_Don't pity me,_ Roy thought, then said solemnly, "Thank you," before shifting his crutch and moving toward the large doors. The soldier followed and quickly maneuvered around Roy so that he could open the door for him.

The young man paused, then said quietly, "Good luck, sir..." Roy nodded slightly and the soldier opened the massive door.

Roy peered into the room beyond. It was dark and foreboding; yet, he forced himself to move forward and a moment later the door shut loudly, leaving him in total darkness. The blackness was oppressive and the air was cool against his exposed skin. He shivered slightly. The lack of lighting and heat was all a ruse to agitate and unsettle the person being tried. He knew this, but it was still unnerving.

Suddenly a light shone down on a chair in front of him and a disembodied voice spoke from the darkness beyond.

"Sit."

Moving forward, Roy slowly sat down on the chair; letting the crutch rest on the floor. He looked in front of him, into the darkness, and squinted a little at the bright light above him. His first instinct was to put a hand up to shade his eyes, but he felt as if he'd be doing exactly what they wanted him to, so he kept his hands firmly in his lap and waited.

Memories of him telling Ed just how stubborn he was, and of the way Ed's face took on that obstinate set when he didn't want to do something, assaulted him and he desperately tried to clear his mind. This was not the time for memories of what had been, or of what he longed for.

When a dim light shone on those in front of him, Roy was almost glad. He couldn't let himself be distracted. He glanced at the seven men sitting in a row in front of him. Their faces were serious and hard; their bodies stiff and ridged; their hands resting on the table in front of them.

Roy recognized them all, but the only two that really mattered were General Hakuro and Fuhrer Bradley; though in truth, even Hakuro didn't matter all that much. The fuhrer was the one who would make the last decision; the other generals were mostly there as extra ears and to give their opinions... except Hakuro.

General Hakuro was there as a witness against him. He had all the 'evidence' and was the one making the accusations. Hakuro was the one who had insisted on Roy being tried, and he was the one who would be pushing for the harshest judgment possible.

The fuhrer cleared his throat and said simply, "General Hakuro. Present the case." It was obvious by the fuhrer's tone that he wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. If Roy had been just one rank lower, the fuhrer wouldn't have had to attend at all.

In truth, this whole trial was unnecessary. Hakuro could have given him sufficient punishment without this fiasco—he had the authority and the power—but there were some punishments that could only be doled out on someone of his rank by the fuhrer himself. Whether or not Fuhrer Bradley would be as harsh as Hakuro hoped... Roy didn't know.

"On the day..." Hakuro began.

Yes... on that day...

A chill crept up his spine before branching out and tingling through his arms and neck. On that day he'd made the worst mistake of his life. He could hear his accusations—both those he'd given voice to and those he hadn't—echoing loudly in his mind.

He'd been so sick that morning, but even that was no good excuse. It had been his own fault he'd drank so much the night before. What would have happened if he hadn't gotten drunk that night? What would have happened if he hadn't called Ed? What would have happened if Ed hadn't come over, trying to help? What would have happened if he hadn't answered his phone when Hakuro called? They were only the very tip of an iceberg of questions that Roy had asked himself many times over the weeks since then.

Questions were good, they were designed to make people think; but the questions Roy tortured himself with weren't ones that would ever be helpful. The past couldn't be changed. He couldn't go back and tell himself that he was being ridiculously stupid. Of _course_ Ed didn't have alternative motives! Ed wasn't that way. He was simple and straight forward. He said what he meant and meant what he said.

Ed didn't play games with words, he didn't look for ways to manipulate others to achieve his goals, and he didn't imagine that people could mean anything other than what they directly said.

Perhaps youth and inexperience in relationships worked in Ed's favor. He was guileless and open. He was exactly who he portrayed himself to be. That was a good example of why he was not good for Ed. He would only drag Ed down with his jaded attitude and closed feelings.

"We questioned several witnesses to the accident..." Hakuro continued.

The accident...

It never should have happened...

A lump formed in Roy's throat and he had to swallow several times to get it to go away. He'd been in shock, so the memories were fuzzy, but he remembered enough. There was the pain and the numbing fear... Roy wondered if it had been that moment which had made him realize just how much Ed meant to him.

He and Ed could have fought for weeks, but it would have been okay because Roy was used to that, he was familiar with fighting and he was sure that eventually he would have been able to either get Ed to do what he wanted, or break his and Ed's relationship off and come away feeling like he'd come out on top.

Sure... That's what he would have done... because that's what he'd always done...

But the accident... The blood... The torn flesh and broken limbs... The realization that Ed could be _gone_ in a moment without Roy's consent... He couldn't fight that and he hadn't been able to fight the devastating dread that had welled up within him as he tried to keep Ed alive. He'd known in that moment that he wanted Ed; wanted him more than he'd ever wanted anyone else...

"...irresponsible use of government property..." Hakuro's voice droned on.

Roy repressed a sigh.

He wanted Ed, _needed_ Ed... Yet he pushed him away... For Ed's own good? Yes, it was because of that, but there were other factors as well; fear being the most obvious. How could he allow himself to love? His brief experience in his youth had brought enough pain to make him swear off love; enough to deny himself from getting too close to anyone, and from letting anyone get too close to him.

A thought clawed its way into Roy's mind and for a moment he sat stunned at the force in which it presented itself. That day... that morning... when he'd lost control... no, not lost it, he'd given it up... He'd said those things to Ed to push him away. He'd done that because he'd been afraid... But he'd never stopped.

He'd never stopped pushing Ed away, never stopped being afraid, even after the accident... Despite the fact that he didn't want to hurt Ed anymore, Roy was doing just that... Ed acted like he still wanted him... no, not _acted_... Ed did and said what was on his mind. He wouldn't pretend... But... but... _why?_ Why would Ed still want him after what had happened? And did it really matter?

So Ed wanted him... And he wanted Ed...

"...talked with Major Elric at the hospital..."

Roy's attention was immediately back to the matter at hand. He remembered Ed mentioning something about Hakuro coming to talk to him, but he'd completely forgotten about it until now.

"The major mentioned an argument between himself and Colonel Mustang, and seemed to indicate that the colonel's actions were impaired by overheated emotions and his inability to control himself in a professional manner."

Roy searched Hakuro's face as he spoke. The man was obviously embellishing on what bits of truth he knew. Ed had probably told him little of any value—or, at least, Roy believed that Ed wouldn't have said very much—but Hakuro's words were a little too close to the truth to know for sure. Roy didn't believe Hakuro would have pushed too hard for details. The man liked Ed enough not to press him in his weakened state, but he wasn't above stretching Ed's words and shaping them into something different than their original form.

Hakuro's case against Roy was really a fairly simple one. Roy Mustang was not ready for the responsibility he held. His behavior was unfitting of an officer of his rank, and because he had so little control over himself, another officer—a valuable and skilled State Alchemist—had nearly died.

An example needed to be made, Hakuro explained. If Colonel Mustang, a well known and respected State Alchemist, wasn't punished to the greatest extent possible, other soldiers might see that as a license to be less than professional in their behavior.

It was a damn good speech; Roy had to give him that. If this wasn't his own trial, Roy would have probably thought making an example out of the person was a great idea. It made complete sense. If someone as well known and generally respected as the Flame Alchemist—a man who had an impeccable service record—could receive such a harsh punishment, it would definitely make others think twice about their own actions. Unfortunately, it wasn't someone else's trial, and Roy didn't agree with this. Hakuro was out for blood and he was pushing this case farther than it needed to go.

After he was finished, Hakuro sat down and Roy glanced at Fuhrer Bradley. The man's lips were pressed together and he seemed to be thinking about what Hakuro had said. Roy hoped he wouldn't think too hard about it...

Finally, the fuhrer said, "Colonel Mustang, do you have anything to say in your defense?"

Roy grabbed his crutch and stood, letting his body take on an 'at attention' stance as best as he could. "Fuhrer Bradley, sir," he began respectfully. "It is true that there was a conflict between the Fullmetal Alchemist and myself." He picked his words carefully. He should have asked Ed what he'd told Hakuro so that he'd be able to give a less incriminating statement; but as it was, Roy could only dance around Hakuro's words and hope that Ed hadn't said too much.

"However, I am of the opinion that it was my ill health and inadequate driving experience which resulted in the accident." Better to admit his driving sucked, than that he couldn't control himself—something usually seen as an attribute that could seep into other areas of performance.

Roy waited in silence. If he only knew what Ed had said to Hakuro... but he didn't, and he couldn't chance saying anything else that could possibly conflict with what Ed might have said.

"Why did you operate the vehicle when you knew that your health was in such a state as to endanger not only your life, but the life of your subordinate as well?" the fuhrer asked flatly.

"The general ordered me to go to South Central, sir," Roy answered simply.

"You have a vehicle and several drivers available to you."

"Yes, sir," Roy affirmed, "but none of them were available."

The fuhrer's eyes moved slightly to the side to look at General Hakuro, then back to Roy. "Did you inform the general of your condition?"

"Yes, sir."

"But you still drove, knowing you weren't fit to drive?" The fuhrer didn't sound pleased.

"I obey my orders," Roy said evenly. Yes, he did obey his orders, no matter how irrational... Thousands of Ishbalans... two fine doctors... they all could testify to that. It was something that Roy regretted with all his heart. The bitter resentment from that, and the desire to never have to obey another irrational order again, was a major motivation in his desire to climb the ranks and eventually become fuhrer.

The fuhrer seemed pleased, and Roy knew he'd scored a point. Fuhrer Bradley looked at General Hakuro and asked, "Is it true that you ordered him to South Central when you knew he was unfit to make the trip?"

"No," Hakuro lied easily. "Colonel Mustang did not sufficiently relate his physical condition to me."

Pressing his lips in suppressed anger, Roy waited quietly as the fuhrer studied them both. Finally, the fuhrer said simply, "Is there anything else you have to say, Colonel Mustang?" Roy glanced at Hakuro and noted that the man looked a little worried. Obviously Hakuro made a misstep, but Roy had no idea if that would be enough to save him or not.

"No, sir," he finally said.

"Very well," Fuhrer Bradley said. "Colonel Mustang, you will wait outside while I make my decision."

Roy nodded curtly, turned, and left the room as quickly as he could. The hall was filled with bright, natural light that flooded in through the large open windows, and he involuntarily blinked and squinted. Lieutenant Hawkeye stood from where she'd been sitting on one of the benches. She said nothing; her body language and facial features speaking for her.

"I'll be called back in when a decision is made," Roy said simply. She nodded, and motioned him toward the couch before murmuring something about being right back. He sat, letting his crutch lean on the couch, and let out a heavy sigh. The fuhrer would talk to the other generals, think on all that he'd heard, then call Roy back in to pronounce his judgment. It wouldn't take long, but Roy already felt like it had been an eternity.

_I wonder how Ed is..._ Roy thought, closing his eyes and seeing his ex-lover in his mind. They should be in Rizembool by now. In fact, Ed should be having his corrective surgery any time... Roy wondered if Ed really would call him. He missed the sound of his voice already...

_What am I doing?_ he thought tiredly. He was supposed to be getting over Ed, but it wasn't working. Ed filled his mind constantly. Everything around him reminded him of Ed. Perhaps this all encompassing feeling was what 'love' was all about. It was no wonder love was called a disease or a sickness... Or perhaps love would be better classified as an addiction... Ed was his drug and now that he didn't have it, the withdrawals were setting in...

"Sir?" Roy glanced up to see Lieutenant Hawkeye holding a cup out to him. "Do you feel like having some coffee?" she asked.

'_I don't know if you feel like it, but I got coffee and a muffin.' _Ed's voice from that morning rang loudly in his ears.

Reaching up, Roy took the cup and murmured his thanks. He took a sip and let his mind float around that one memory—of Ed bringing him breakfast. It really _had_ been a kind gesture. The coffee had tasted like shit, but Ed had thought about him...

Roy sighed and took another sip of the mediocre coffee Hawkeye had brought him. Ed's kindness should have tipped him off. He should have known... So many 'should have's, and 'could have's, and 'would have's... The past was the past. He couldn't change it, but what would he do for the now and for the future?

The longer he didn't have Ed, the more he wanted him back... Should he give up on the idea that he would be bad for Ed? He still believed it, but it was so hard to act on it. Should he try to be with Ed again? Should he actively pursue him like before?

He took another sip and idly glanced around.

No... No, he wouldn't, Roy decided. He wouldn't push Ed away anymore, but he wouldn't actively pursue him either. He'd just... just... just what?

Another sip.

Ed said he'd call, said he'd write... Well, perhaps he should try just being Ed's friend for now as Ed had mentioned. Roy nodded his head slightly at the thought and took another sip. He would just let things happen as they would... Roy smiled a little to himself and took another sip. It sounded like a good plan. He wasn't giving in completely, just waiting and watching.

"Sir?" Roy glanced over to where the young private was saluting him. "They're ready for you, sir..." Roy nodded and handed the cup to Hawkeye, who took it with an encouraging smile. Taking a deep breath, Roy followed the private back to the room, entered, and re-took his seat.

He glanced at the men before him. Each had a serious and grave expression except General Hakuro; who was apparently so pleased that he couldn't keep the corners of his lips from twitching up into a smile every few seconds. Taking a deep breath, Roy tried to put Hakuro out of his mind. What was done, was done. The decision had already been made and no amount of fretting over it would change that.

"Colonel Mustang," the fuhrer began seriously. "After hearing the evidence against you and your own testimony, I have come to the conclusion that your actions on the day in question were inappropriate for an officer of your rank. Not only did you jeopardize your own life, but that of your subordinate and of civilians."

Roy waited almost impatiently for the fuhrer to get to the point. It was obvious he was going to be punished and he'd rather just be told what it was without all this other crap.

"As a result of your actions and misbehaviors, I have decided the following disciplinary actions will be set into motion. First, half your pay will be retained by the state for the next six months to help pay for a replacement vehicle."

Roy nodded. He'd expected as much.

"Second, an official reprimand will be added to your file." This was not a surprise either. "Third, your driving privileges will be forfeited for the next six months. At the end of that time, you will be required to take a driving course and pass with a percentage of ninety or above." That was no big loss. Roy hated driving anyway and driving course would be good for him.

"Forth, you will be required to attend an anger management course designed for our enlisted soldiers." At that, Roy frowned. Anger management? "At the end of one month you will be evaluated. You will be required to attend the courses until the coordinators decide you are ready to stop."

That was something Roy was definitely _not_ looking forward to. The last thing he needed was for someone else to tell him how he should act or not act.

"Fifth," Fuhrer Bradley said, and Roy had to repress a sigh. The first three had been the slap on the wrist. The fourth had been a little more than what he'd expected, but not extremely bad. What more was there?

"With the exclusion of going to work, the anger management meetings, and to buy groceries, you will be restricted to your place of residence for the period of one month. Guards will be posted outside your home to ensure your cooperation."

Roy slowly breathed in a deep breath, then let it out. That was definitely a bit extreme, but it made an excellent example of him. No wonder Hakuro had seemed so pleased. As a higher ranking officer, he had the privilege of such an arrangement for punishment. An enlisted man would have been held in confinement instead. He should be grateful for small blessings. And, anyway, it was only for one month...

Overall, while Roy felt that while some parts of his punishment were a bit inconvenient, they weren't anything that he couldn't live with. At least, that was what he thought until the fuhrer spoke again. At the man's next words, Roy's heart dropped into his stomach and he thought he'd be sick.

"And finally, you will be demoted to the rank of 'lieutenant colonel', forfeiting all the rights and privileges associated with the rights of a full colonel."

* * *

You can find a link to **Ed's POV** by **Kikiko** in my profile. I highly recommend checking it out. :)

**Note: **It seems that ff.n decided it didn't like how I did the HTML in my profile so I'm having to redo a bunch of the links. The link to Kikiko's Ed's POV was one of those so for now I've put the link to her side at the top of the FMA section in my profile.


	11. Letters and Phone Calls

**A/N:** Any dialogue from Ed belongs to Kikiko.  
**-**

**The More I Learn to Care for You**

**Chapter 11**

**Letters and Phone Calls**

**-****  
**The office clocked ticked barely loud enough that it could only be heard when there was complete silence. Roy had long ago reached the point where he didn't even hear the clock as he worked, but today the ticking of the second hand brought his gaze up from his work to check the time every few minutes. He felt antsy—ready to be done with the day, despite the fact that he still had another hour before his scheduled time to leave.

With a sigh, he closed the folder and put it in the 'finished' pile that was starting to accumulate on his desk. The paperwork was the worst part of this job. He didn't mind the meetings or the reports he had to write himself, didn't mind the investigations or the myriad of other things he had to do, but the seemingly endless supply of _paperwork_ bothered him.

Roy smiled ruefully and wondered if he would have joined the military if he'd known what he'd be doing everyday when the country wasn't at war. He'd definitely make a lot more money in the private sector doing almost the same line of work.

His smile faded as his eyes landed on the back of the nameplate on his desk. The one that used to read 'Colonel Roy Mustang' and now read 'Lieutenant Colonel Roy Mustang'. It had been two weeks since the trial—the ridiculously unfair trial.

Being demoted was humiliating. Men and women of his previous rank had suddenly become a little less friendly. Being sociable with those of lesser rank wasn't against any rules, but he was no longer 'one of them'. He was an outsider in their group and someone for whom they may one day find themselves responsible for.

Unfortunately, he didn't win any good graces with those of his newly reacquired rank. He'd once been their superior, someone who they needed to show respect to. But he'd fallen from that state of power. Their respect was strained at the most and they made it clear that he was also not one of them.

In a way, Roy preferred that. It gave him the push he needed to work hard to regain his position. The fuhrer had stated that he would review Roy's case in a year, and if all looked well, he would be re-promoted to a full colonel. Roy was determined to exceed whatever standard the fuhrer may have set for that.

So he worked hard, often coming in early, staying late, or simply taking his work home with him—except on Wednesdays. Wednesdays were reserved for his mandatory 'anger management' meetings. He went to the 'group meeting' straight after work, then met with an individual councilor. He'd met with the councilor on an individual basis on Saturdays as well, though if he was to continue after the first month, then they would meet every other Saturday.

Truth be told, if Roy hadn't been flanked by two guards, he probably would have walked out of the first group meeting within ten minutes. It had been a very uncomfortable experience. The group had been a relatively small one, about ten men—there was a separate group for women. The other soldiers were all of lower rank and Roy hadn't known any of them; but, unfortunately, they'd all known exactly who he was. There had been an uneasy silence when he'd entered the room and sat down.

The meeting had begun and there had been some talk and 'direction' from the group leader, then each of them sharing with the group how their week had been and what goals they had or had not stuck to concerning their 'anger problems'.

He'd been invited into the conversation, but had stubbornly declined to say anything. He wasn't like these other men. He didn't beat his girlfriend or blow up at every provocation. There was absolutely nothing he could have shared. At least, those were his thoughts until he'd met one-on-one with the councilor assigned to him.

The councilor—a sergeant in his mid-forties—had gone over the file he'd been given concerning the case Hakuro had put together. They'd talked briefly, casually getting to know each other, then the man had given him a book and said that he'd need to have it read by that Saturday when they met again.

So, reluctantly, Roy had read it. It was a fairly simple read, but one that provoked a lot of thought and self searching, and when he returned that Saturday, he'd been a little more receptive to discussing the subject of anger and himself.

Tonight would be his second group meeting and third individual consultation—something he wasn't exactly looking forward too, but felt a little more open to being there than he had before.

Again, Roy glanced up at the clock.

Forty-five minutes to go... He almost felt tempted to leave now, but he'd have to give an explanation to the guards outside his office door—another unpleasant punishment. Where he went, two guards accompanied him at all times. If he were to leave this office, even to use the restroom, they would follow. Four guards were posted at his apartment at night, just to be sure he didn't somehow sneak away. It was all very annoying, but at least it would only last for two more weeks...

Sitting back in his chair, Roy lifted his leg and rested it on his desk. His knee still bothered him a lot, but he was starting to wean himself from the bothersome crutch—if only for very short distances. His arm was healing up nicely though, and for that he was grateful. He was still on pain medication, but he only used it at night now.

While that was good, the best thing that had happened in the last two weeks was getting a letter from Ed—a thing half scribed by Alphonse, half scribbled on in Ed's less than stellar handwriting. He'd also used the paper for a few arrays—none of which worked, though all but one had been scratched out.

Smiling a little, Roy pulled the worn letter from his jacket pocket, unfolded it, and read, in Alphonse's neat handwriting:

_Good morning Colonel Mustang,_

_Ed has asked me to help him with this letter. He'll be telling me what to write..._

There was a small scribble, then a tear through the page.

_Hey, so I'm just on the train now. I'm all settled into my cot and we'll be leaving in a few minutes. Everyone is being really helpful and it was good to hear you on the phone._

More scribbles, then in a shaky hand:

_Al wouldn't write what I wanted so I fired him! Hes glaring at me from the other side of the sleeper cabin. HA! Serves him right! I don't talk like that. Im sure as hell not going to write like that! Ah I just stuck my tonge out at him. He didn't like that ether!_

_But it was good to hear you on the phone. I missed being able to seeing you. I hope we can talk alot more when I recover from my surgery. Ill get Al to fix the phone so Its in my room otherwise I'll have to go down to the kitchen each time I want to call. Fuck that!_

_Oh I don't feel so good. I'm gong to lay down for abit and pick this up later._

_Everyones asleep and my drugs wore off long time ago. I can't sleep and Im thinking about you. I noticed your really skinny last time I saw you. Are you eating? I'll tell Hawkeye if your not! I cant believe I wanted to stop those drugs there all I want now. Oh I have to do two more days of this. This sucks! I wish you were here, thin I could make you suffer with me. Im nice like that haha!_

_Does Al really make good coffee?_

_I can see the lights of a passing city out the window. Not sure where we are, but Its pretty. You know what would be neat! If they could made cameras smaller so that I could take pictures to sent to you. Maybe I can come up with an array to do that._

Roy smirked slightly at three sloppily drawn arrays, two of which were crossed out.

_Ok that one there is the good one. Copy that out and activate it and youll hopefully see a picture. Don't blame me if it doesn't work. I should get awards for this. Actually don't tell anyone. Im sure theyd fuck it up and used it for bad shit. Sorry its not very neat my writing sucks (as you know) but even more so since Its dark in here and I'm writing by moonlight which somehow makes me think of you._

_I'm going to try to go back to sleep. Ill have Al send this from the trainstation._

_Night Roy._

Roy fingered the crumpled letter and shook his head at the writing and at the spelling and punctuation errors. Poor kid must really be out of it... Folding the letter back up, Roy slipped it back in his jacket pocket.

He'd contemplated on whether or not he should respond back; worrying that he might encourage Ed, but also _wanting_ to encourage him too. He'd finally settled on an official letter to the Fullmetal Alchemist from the Flame Alchemist. The best part was that he'd been able to write it on the military's time, using the military's stationary, and sending it through the military's mailroom. He felt slightly vindicated by that small misuse of the military's time and supplies.

Since then, Roy had watched his mailbox carefully; hoping, more desperately than he wanted to admit, for another letter. He missed Ed so much, and felt a certain amount of self loathing for that. He'd always prided himself on never becoming too attached, but now he kept wondering how long it would be before he caved in to Ed's pleadings. There had even been a few times that he'd picked up the phone with every intention on giving Ed a call, only to put the receiver back in the cradle without dialing.

The door to the room opened and one of the guards looked inside. "Sir, Lieutenant Hawkeye has informed us that Lieutenant Havoc has prepared the car a little early today. Do you want us to tell him to wait, or will you leave now?"

Roy glanced up at the clock. Only fifteen minutes early. That was permissible. Besides, he'd just spent the last forty-five minutes doing absolutely nothing, so he didn't feel too guilty. Everything important was finished and there wouldn't be any problems leaving what little was left for tomorrow.

Taking his leg down from the desk, Roy grabbed his crutch, stood up, and pulled on his coat before heading over toward the door. When he got there, Roy gave the guard a wry look before closing the door and heading down to the carport.

* * *

Turning on the light to his bedroom, Roy staggered tiredly in and flopped down on his bed where he stared dully up at the ceiling. He didn't know if he'd be able to handle another two weeks of these anger management meetings—and that was assuming he'd be able to convince them that he _only_ needed one month of this anger management/therapy.

The group meeting had not gone very well. The group leader had decided he _would_ talk today and had asked some very pointed and uncomfortable questions—subjects he'd rather not think about let alone discuss in a room full of people. Though he supposed the whole point of it was to actually get him to think on said subjects.

He'd gotten no relief when he'd had his one-on-one visit; where his councilor had simply picked the same subject back up and probed unmercifully. It had all left him feeling drained and a little depressed.

Closing his eyes, Roy instantly felt himself drifting off to sleep and forced himself to get up and at least undress himself before passing out. He sat up and carefully unbuttoned his jacket before getting up and hanging it neatly in the closet. His pants and shirt ended up in a heap by the wall as he crossed the room to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

Just as he walked out of the bathroom, the phone rang; startling him slightly. He glanced at the clock and wondered who would be calling him at this time in the evening. It was a little past eight o'clock, but it was rare that he got a call past six.

Limping over to the phone, Roy picked it up and said tiredly, "Mustang..."

"Hey... were you sleeping?" came the weak, yet very familiar voice on the other line. A small smile came unbidden to Roy's lips and he felt his spirits lift a little. He'd missed hearing Ed's voice.

"No, just getting home actually. How are you feeling?"

"Like hell warmed over," Ed complained, then asked with a lighter tone, "How about you?"

"Just another day in paradise," Roy said wryly.

Ed snorted into the phone, then said, "I got your letter—so cheap!" Roy could hear the grin on Ed's voice.

Roy moved closer to the bed and sat down to relieve the pressure on his knee. "Well, you know the State Alchemist's motto, Ed; 'For the People.' I was just letting the military be of service," he said with a smirk.

"Oh, was that what you were doing?" Ed asked sarcastically. "So did my array work, or was it a bust?"

"Bust," Roy said, then realized that this might not go over well with Ed so added, "Sorry," hoping that he sounded a little sympathetic, then quickly changed the subject. "Did the surgery go well?"

"Hm, oh well." Ed sighed. "The surgery was... not something I ever want to repeat. I got my arm back, but I can't really move it very well yet. Pinako says that's to be expected given all they had to do. It's up in the air—well, it'll take—no, you know what, it's a bit fucked up actually. I'm not sure if it'll be the same... only time will tell," Ed explained.

"I see," Roy said slowly, then paused, feeling worried that Ed might be right; that he might never be the same again. Guilt flared up inside of him and he said, "Well, they're very good mechanics. I'm sure you'll have a good chance at being in top shape soon." He hoped he sounded convincing; though whether he was trying to convince Ed or himself, Roy didn't know.

"You know, at the end, I've started to think about the beginning—about me; about you. I recognize more how much of a child I've been... How the fuck did you ever stand me? But, I do recognize something else. You feel guilty; even Al told me so. But I don't blame you, Roy. I really don't. So, don't take this on yourself."

Roy sat there, feeling a little blindsided by the sudden serious turn the conversation had gone. He'd just spent two hours dealing with his feelings and the consequences of anger, and Roy wasn't sure he was really in the right frame of mind to talk about his right now.

"Roy?" Ed asked, with a slight pause. "You still there? Did I freak you out? What? Don't like when I say mature stuff? Bastard..." The last was mumbled with a tone that almost sounded like fondness.

"Ah... no... that's not it..." he said uncomfortably.

"Then what? Was I wrong? Did I make an ass out of myself—not like that's anything new, or anything."

Roy pressed his lips together, trying to come up with a satisfactory answer. Ed didn't know about the anger management classes, didn't know about the guards, didn't know about the demotion, didn't even know about the trial—and that's how Roy wanted it. He knew Ed was bound to find out sooner or later that there had been a trial and that he'd been punished, but it wasn't something he wanted Ed to know just yet.

"I'm glad you don't blame me," he said softly.

"Why would you even think that I would?" Ed asked.

Sighing, Roy lay down on the bed, and said, "Because... _I_ was driving. It was my fault we were arguing... I should have been paying more attention to the road. I should have tried harder to find someone to drive. I _knew_ that I wasn't..." He trailed off, not wanting to turn the conversation into a pity party. Ed had to be in some state of denial to think that it wasn't Roy's fault...

"Yeah..." Ed said softly, then paused for a moment before continuing. "I know about making mistakes and blaming yourself, but _you _didn't_ want_ the crash to happen, so you don't—can't—take that on yourself. You'll go crazy... like I almost did before you found me all those years ago..." There was a pause, then a soft, "That changed my life, you know..."

What could he say to that? Roy didn't want to get into a deep conversation right now. He didn't want Ed to feel grateful to him, especially after all that Roy had done to him...

"You should know... it wasn't a selfless act." He felt pressure in his chest and it was hard to make the words come out right. "I got a great mark on my record for finding such a talented alchemist. I'm happy that my selfishness could change your life, but you were the one that really got yourself into the military. You proved yourself. You could have done it all without me..."

"Yeah, I know... But if you hadn't come along... I would have become so depressed; I'm sure I would have just given up." Ed gave a long yawn, then said, "Fuck, it's past my bedtime... What's today?"

"Wednesday," Roy said automatically. His current least favorite day of the week.

"Ah, right, I can't tell anymore. Can I call you again? Maybe tomorrow, if my damn fever will let up." Roy could hear creaking in the background.

"Sure," he said quietly, trying to hide the relief in his voice. As much as he wanted to talk to Ed, he _didn't_ want to talk about what happened or about how he'd been helpful to Ed, or whether or not he was guilty.

"Okay, I'll write soon too and try not to be so messy this time. I have drugs now," Ed said in a pleased tone.

"Alright. I hope you recover soon..." Now that it was time to go, Roy was reluctant to let Ed go.

"What?" Ed asked warily. "Stop that! I'll have to smack you if you keep that up..."

That was just what he needed to push him to end the conversation. "Good night, Ed."

Ed snorted. "Yeah, night Roy."

Pulling the receiver away from his ear, Roy hung up the phone and closed his eyes. Images of Ed materialized in his mind and he held onto that as he quickly fell asleep.

* * *

Roy flopped down on the couch as he tore open the letter. It had been almost a week and a half since he'd heard from Ed and he was eager for any word from him.

Pulling out the letter, he grinned at the drawing of the flamel in the upper left corner. In brackets Ed wrote:

_My fucking letter head, which I'll be ordering on the military's dime._

Ed's writing was a bit better before, which was promising. He continued to scan the letter.

_A=N_

_To: Roy Mustang, Super cheap bastard of the military!_

_From: Edward Elric, more popular than Roy will ever be!_

_What the fuck is this? You sent a letter on the military's dime! Damn! If only I have thought about that I wouldn't have to spend so much. I'm using it, haha!_

_The surgery was done almost as soon as we got in the door. Al was a mess by that time, and had forgiven me for stealing my letter back. It felt like forever, but Pinako said it was only four hours. Then I slept and slept. During the whole thing through I was thinking about the barbeque at you're house. That was a good day, but I don't think I ever told you that before._

_It was good to hear you on the phone the other day. I meant all that I said. I don't blame you. And you can't make me._

_QB LBH OYNZR ZR SBE ORVAT OYVAQ NAQ ABG FRRVAT UBJ FGHCVQ V'IR ORRA? V'IR ORRA JNGPUVAT JVAEL NAQ NY. UBJ PBZR JR PBHYQ ARIRE GNYX JVGUBHG GNYXVAT. V GUVAX GUNG'F ORPNHFR V FHPX._

Roy eyed the coded message wryly before quickly figuring it out. With a sigh, he folded the letter and stared up at the ceiling. Why did Ed always bring stuff like that up? Why couldn't he just let it rest? Why couldn't he just accept the fact that they were over?

_Why can't I accept the fact that we're over?_ Roy wondered.

Not really wanting to delve into such deep thoughts, Roy got up and moved into the kitchen. With a heavy sigh, he opened the bottle for his pain medication and took out the last tablet. There would be no more after this…

Grabbing a cup, Roy was about to fill it with water, when he decided suddenly to fill it with something a little stronger. No one was here to scold him and he sure as hell wasn't going to go anywhere with the soldiers guarding his apartment...

Popping the tablet in his mouth, Roy swallowed it with the strongest drink he had available, then filled the cup two more times before heading unsteadily to his personal desk. He was feeling really nice now. No pain at all...

Sitting down, he pulled out a piece of paper and began to write Ed back. After he was finished, Roy looked blearily at the paper, folded it, and stuffed it in an envelope before wandering over to the front door and opening it.

"Sir?" one of the guards said with a frown.

"Ah... right..." he said absently, he'd forgotten about them... "I just need to put this in the mail box."

"I'll take it for you, sir," the other guard said. Roy shrugged and handed it over. He was about to go inside when the guard said, "Uh... sir?" Roy glanced back at him, but didn't say anything. He was feeling really tired now and all he wanted to do was go to bed. The guard gave him a quizzical look and said, "There's no postage."

"I know," Roy said, smirking.

The guard looked at the envelope, then glanced back at him with a raised eyebrow. "The addresses...?"

"Just put it in the mailbox," Roy said.

"Yes, sir..." the guard said in confusion.

Turning, Roy bid them both a good night before heading back inside and passing out on the couch.

* * *

Roy opened the door to his apartment, then turned and leaned in the doorway. He glanced around, feeling reluctant to go inside and out of the warm spring weather. He shifted his grip on the cane in his hand and tapped it lightly against his foot. The doctor had said that he'd probably need to use the cane for at least six more months, if not longer. Over short distances, Roy didn't have many problems, but after a while his knee really began to bother him and had buckled under him a few times. Better to have the cane than to continue having problems like that.

He breathed in deeply then felt a smile grow on his face. Today he was free of the annoying guards. It was nice to be able to go where he wanted, when he wanted; he hadn't realized how wonderful of a thing it was until he didn't have that any longer. To celebrate his freedom, Roy had wandered around after work for a while, then stopped at a small restaurant and read the newspaper while having a leisurely dinner.

His anger management evaluation hadn't gone as well as he'd hoped. The councilor had been pleased with the progress he'd made, especially in the last week, but over all the man believed that Roy would really benefit from at least a few more months with them. The good news was that he didn't think Roy needed to come see him on a one-on-one basis every Saturday any longer. Individual sessions every Wednesday and every other Saturday would be the schedule now, along with the group session that Roy was beginning to feel only marginally more comfortable with.

The phone rang interrupting his thoughts. Closing the door, Roy made his way upstairs—thinking wearily that he should get a phone for the lower floor—then picked up the phone and said, "Mustang," as he sat on the bed.

"Humph! You had to pick out the one word in all that and make it perverted! And what the hell are you fucking thinking of—drinking!"

"Ed? Well, good evening to you too," he said in wry amusement.

"Tch... yeah, yeah... how's the bastard tonight? Miss me?" Ed asked saucily.

"I always miss you..." Roy murmured, then said with a touch of embarrassment, "You must have gotten my letter." By the time Roy had woken up the next morning, it had been too late to retrieve the letter from the mailbox and he'd had to endure the humiliation of knowing he'd have to own up to what he'd written. At least he couldn't remember everything he'd wrote.

"Yes, I got your letter. What goes through your head sometimes? Mixing pain killers with liquor? You're insane. I'll have to punish you," Ed said with a menacing tone, but his voice cracked, ruining the affect.

Roy cleared his throat. "I won't lie... I actually can't remember everything I put in the letter, but from what I do remember, I think I'd rather not know what all I said..." he said wryly. "Anyway, I wasn't drinking a lot. When I got out of the hospital I drank a lot more with a higher dose and I lived through it, but you know the lieutenant; she... talked me out of it... That night was just... sort of a fluke." He sighed, still feeling embarrassed about it. It wasn't like he had a drinking problem. Most of the time he drank moderately and responsibly, but that time right out of the hospital had been a dark time... That night really had just been a fluke.

"Okay, it better be!" Ed said, still trying to sound stern, then said in an apologetic tone, "Sorry I haven't been able to call... er... Winry... is such a bitch sometimes."

"I'm sure she has your best interest at heart..." Roy said, though he wasn't entirely convinced of that.

"No, she doesn't!" Ed insisted. "I swear her fucking goal in life is to make me as miserable as she can as fast as she can. It's like a fucking art form for her!"

"And I'm sure you're a perfect angel?" Roy asked in amusement. In a way, he could almost sympathize with the Rockbell girl. Ed wasn't exactly the epitome of calm serenity.

There was a long silence then he heard Ed's teeth click together. "Very fucking funny, bastard. How very fucking original and droll you are today. I'm laughing myself silly." Ed's voice was flat and un-amused.

Roy shifted the phone to the other ear and decided a change of subject was in order. "When are you returning to Central?" He missed Ed. He wanted to see him. Though, if Ed asked why, Roy was determined to say that he needed to know for work.

"That's up to the bitch..."

Roy could hear Winry in the background screeching, "I can hear you, Edward!"

"Tch, she _stole_ the phone from me. She _knows_ I hate milk. Why did she give it to me? It's not my fault it... fell on the floor..." Ed said grumpily.

Roy shook his head. "Well, Ed, you can choose how you react to your situation. You can keep thinking about how horrible your situation is and act like a shit head which will only make the situation more miserable or you can tell yourself that even though it's frustrating, you're going to make the best of it and choose to act pleasant."

"Huh... Can I speak to Roy please? I think I don't have the right house..."

Roy thought about what he'd just said and suddenly felt uncomfortable. Those anger management people really were getting to him... "Sorry..." he murmured. "How are you feeling?" Better to talk about Ed than him.

"Fine, except for certain irritants. I think if this goes on too long, I'll run away," Ed said with a hint of mischievousness.

"I have a feeling you wouldn't get too far," Roy grunted, thinking both of Ed's physical state and of Al and Winry. If Ed's brother and friend didn't stop him, then his injuries most likely would... Roy frowned, suddenly feeling overprotective and anxious. What if Ed did try to run off? What if he couldn't get help? Roy would never have been able to tell him...

"Says you! I happen to be doing very well. I've even walked up to see mom... And no one knew I had even left," Ed said proudly.

Roy didn't say anything for a few moments, then said, "Ed..." There was another uncomfortable pause as he tried to decide what to say. His overwhelming need to be with Ed was quickly overpowering the part of him who was determined to remain distant. "I'm... I'm sorry for being such an asshole..."

Pushing Ed away wasn't helping either of them and Ed didn't seem to get that they shouldn't be together, even after the shitty way Roy had treated him; before and after the accident.

"What brought that on?" Ed asked after a long pause, then continued hesitantly, "Did I make it sound like you were being one?"

Roy took a deep breath. "No... I just wanted—needed—to say it because..." His heart beat rapidly in his chest in nervous apprehension. "Well, I miss you..." There. He'd said it, and it was almost a relief to have done so. "And I've thought a lot about us lately... about how you wanted to stay friends even though... we're not really 'us' anymore..."

He let that hang there for a moment. Ed wanted them to still be 'us', but they weren't because of Roy. It was _his_ fault that they weren't together, but it was for good reason! Yet... Roy _wanted_ to be with Ed again. He needed Ed more than he'd thought possible. Could they really be 'us' again? He wanted it, but he was afraid of it too...

"I think I'd like that..." Roy said uncomfortably. "And since we both know what an ass I am, I just thought I'd apologize up front about it before we go any further." Just in case he did anything really stupid again.

"Roy..." Ed said warily, then a sigh. "I accept. And even if you said 'no' I'd still call or write or, when I get back, be waiting on your doorstep. I... I know you don't want to hear it, but I don't want this to be over. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes." Ed's voice was soft and filled with emotion. "I dreamed that you were with me the day I left the hospital. I would have sworn to anything that you were with me in the night. I could feel your warmth, your arm. I don't want that to stay only a dream. It... can't."

Roy gave a heavy sigh. "I never want to hurt you again... I thought... I thought I was in control; thought that I'd never do something like that to you..." His voice cracked slightly, but he continued on. "But I wasn't in control." Saying this to Ed was much easier after having admitted it to the councilor; yet, it was still difficult and the realization that he'd been a bomb ready to go off all that time, made him sickly ashamed of himself.

"I never was... I know now that I was just putting off the inevitable. I..." His voice became slightly husky and Roy didn't know how much more of this conversation he'd be able to take. "Care for you with all my heart... but... I'm afra—I don't want to hurt you again... I couldn't bear it..." His eyes stung and he blinked several times in an effort to make the stinging go away.

"A-are you crying?" Ed asked in a small voice.

Roy put his fingers to his eyes and said softly, "No..." He swallowed hard, trying to get a hold on himself, but it wasn't working. His hands were shaking and he felt a little bit sick to his stomach. How much further did he need to let Ed into his life—into the dark shadow that he preferred to keep hidden?

"Geez, Roy..." Ed said, sounding a little choked up. "Are you saying you lo—like me too? Not like friends, but more than friends?"

"I..." Roy began, feeling scared and a little out of breath. Yes, he loved Ed. He'd already come to that conclusion, but he couldn't say it. He just couldn't... "I... I have to go... I'm sorry..." And with that, he hung up the phone.

The sudden silence was loud in his ears as he stared at the phone, embarrassed both at his show of emotion and at having ended the conversation so quickly. Why did Ed do this to him? Why did Ed make him feel so much? Was it _Ed_ that did this to him, or was it _love_? Why did he have to fall in love with Ed? Why did he have to fall in love at all?

Those self-searching questions were interrupted by the phone ringing. Out of habit, Roy lifted his hand to pick the phone up, then stopped himself. It was Ed, and he really didn't want to talk to Ed right now. He wanted to pull himself together; wanted to be more in control of his emotions before he turned into a pile of goo.

Ten rings. Twenty rings. Thirty rings. Forty rings. Fifty rings...

Roy reached down and was about to pull the plug on the phone when it stopped. A phantom ringing still sounded in his ears, but that eventually faded. He would call Ed tomorrow. That would give him enough time to decide what he wanted to say to any possible questions Ed might have for him. He'd be less emotional then too—hopefully.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and Roy frowned before heading down the stairs and pulling open the door. One of his neighbors—a friendly young married woman with two little children—stood there looking a little unsure.

"Can I help you?" he asked, then frowned when the phone began to ring again.

"Well..." she said timidly. "I just got a phone call from Ed..." There had been a few times Ed had kept an eye on her children while she ran an errand or two, yet it had never occurred to Roy that he might have her phone number. "He... asked me to come tell you to answer your phone..." She sounded both bewildered and bemused.

When Roy didn't say anything, she added, "He said that he'd give you five minutes before he called... Hawkeye?"

He nodded at the question in her voice to affirm that she got the name right. Ed would be a little shit like that... There was a fifty percent chance that Hawkeye would come over too—depending on her mood.

"Thank you for relaying the message," he said politely before shutting the door and heading back upstairs to the ringing phone. Throwing himself down on the bed, Roy snatched the phone and muttered irritably, "Insistent brat."

"You can't just leave like that! Roy! I mean, you have to tell me what you meant by that. Please!" Ed pleaded. That was enough to send Roy over the edge.

"Dammit, Ed," he said, feeling frustrated and trying to push the gnawing pain away. "What do you want me to say? Do you want me to beg you to come home to me because I can't bear being without your touch? Do you want me to tell you that I dream of you at night and see you in various rooms of my apartment when I'm awake? Do you want me to tell you that I'm in love with you? That I need you more than food or water or air; more than life itself?" The sudden passion throbbed in his veins, and he had to force himself to be quiet.

There was a long moment of silence then Ed said breathlessly, "Yes..."

Another long pause. "Then... you've already heard it..." Roy choked, feeling defeated and weary.

"Shit," Ed hissed. "I'm taking the train tomorrow. I need to see you!"

"No," Roy said quietly. He couldn't let Ed risk himself like that. "You're not well enough. I don't want you to chance hurting yourself."

"Yeah, but, you sound like someone just died. If you... love someone... like..." Ed's voice faded away, then, "Fucking hell—like I fucking love you! It shouldn't be like that! It should be happy and shit like Al and Winry! I need to see you. It'll be months yet before they'll _let_ me leave, so I'll just sneak out like before. By the time they figure it out, I'll be well on my way. I can stay with you, and we can work this out. We can start new, take it slow."

Ed was babbling fervently, and when Roy found an opening, he snapped, "I said 'no'! You will _not _leave Rizembool! You have to recover—"

"Roy, I need to see you," Ed broke in insistently. "I'm fine, I can make it. I'm better—"

"Ed!" A small pause. "I... I'll come to you..." he said softly. "I told you, I couldn't bear it if I hurt you again, and if you got hurt coming to see me, it would be the same..."

"You will?" Ed asked doubtfully.

"Yes..." Roy said feeling a little unsure. He paused and thought on it. Was this the right decision? Ed would have to live with him while he recovered... But Roy decided that was what he wanted. If Ed was willing to accept him, even after all that had happened, then Roy wanted this. "Yes, I will," Roy said with a much stronger voice. "I'll..." It suddenly dawned on him that if he was going to go, then he'd have to go tonight! He had to be back by Wednesday! "I'll leave tonight."

"You will?" Ed asked again, this time in shock.

"Yes," Roy said hurriedly. "I..." He paused. His mind was suddenly racing with all the things he needed to do, and also with the realization that, if he wanted it, he'd have Ed back. Doubt suddenly pricked at him. Could this be real? Could Ed _really_ want him back? "Do you... I... You... How do you..." Roy stammered, trying to say what it was he wanted to say, but unable to grasp a hold of the words he wanted to use. "About me...? Do you...?"

"Er... Do I love you back? I must admit that I'm confused about love, but I know I need you even though you piss me off, and push my buttons; but I need you, so yeah, I do. Will I get to see you on Sunday? For real? What about work? You'll get in trouble—but I can't say as I care as long as I get to see you. Get here fast."

Roy paused as he quickly formulated his excuse for going to Rizembool, then said, "I won't be able to stay long. I have to be back by Wednesday, but... talk to your brother. Tell him I'm coming, and tell him I want to take you with me when I leave." Pause. "That is... if you want to come back with me..." he added, feeling a little unsure.

"What?" Pause. "Yes!" Ed said quickly. "I want to go with you!" There was a rustling sound then Ed shouted, "Al! Get yer butt up here!" Then Ed's attention was back to Roy. "You sure it's okay? I mean—to stay with you? I get to see you everyday?"

"Yeah..." Roy said softly. "If you're willing to take the chance... I want to promise I'll never get angry again like I did that morning... but..." A pause. "But I _can_ promise that I'll try very hard..."

"Come fast, Roy," Ed said, not seeming worried about what Roy was saying at all. "I'll be waiting."

Roy smiled, glad that Ed wasn't concerned. "Watch for me," he said in determination.

"Right!" Ed said, sounding determined. Roy could hear Al in the background wanting to know what was going on, but instead of listening, Roy hung up the phone. He stared at it for a moment as he replayed the last half hour in his mind, then picked it up and dialed Hawkeye's home phone number. There was a lot to do before he could leave and if he wanted to go tonight, then he'd better hurry.


End file.
